Tag Archives: trauma

Eff…

Fuck it all!

That’s how I’m feeling today.

Fuck it all!

I have no filter.

Who the fuck cares?

I have no filter.

Fuck rape!

Fuck unwanted touch!

Fuck white men of power!

Fuck it all!

I’m so fucking over this country!

Fuck it all!

Legalize sex with children so it can’t be a crime.

What the fuck?

Seriously are you fucking kidding me?

Why are we even entertaining this?

Fuck it all!

A president…

Fuck him!

Fuck it all!

The Swear Word

That word.

That one five letter word.

A word meant to identify,

Now a swear word.

An unfortunate series of events to make it that way.

That five letter word is a beautiful word.

A five letter word passed down.

That five letter not a swear wird to you.

They made it that way to me though.

That five letter word.

Kelly

You Learn

What do you do when there is something about you won’t be able to change? Like having a mental/behavioral health problem that is just part of you?

You learn to be “okay” with “not being okay”.

You learn to listen to their words and only their words even if you cannot process them while they’re saying them.

You learn to process them when your head is silent.

You learn to say there is just too much.

You learn that they love you.

You learn to trust.

You learn everything you can.

You learn to fail.

You learn to pick yourself back up.

And even when you believe you’re not good enough, that your not loveable, you’re not worth it, you allow their words to come through at the end of the day and start again tomorrow.

You learn to be okay with being you.

You learn to be patient with yourself.

You learn to be patient when they’re not patient with you.

You learn that you’ll never be perfect.

You learn you’re loved anyway.

You learn to leave the room, escape to the dark, and breathe.

You learn to breathe.

You learn when you can come back to the situation.

You learn that even though you would love for someone to wrap their arms around you, they shouldn’t just yet.

You learn to be okay with that.

You allow yourself to be okay with good touch when your panicking.

You learn that those touching you only have your best interest at heart.

You learn that even though you may freak the fuck out when they come close to you or touch you, to take a breath and look at them.

You learn that seeing their face can change “who you’re seeing”.

You learn to come back to reality when you see their loving faces.

You learn to let them know to ask before touching when you’re upset.

You learn to feel loved when sad.

You learn to feel loved when mad.

You learn to feel loved when joyous.

You learn to allow yourself to feel loved in all parts of your life.

You learn that you are stronger than you’ve ever imagined.

You learn that you will feel weaker than you’ve ever imagined.

You learn to lose control.

You learn to be in control.

You learn try to change only what you can.

You learn to embrace every day with hopeful anticipation.

You learn love harder.

You learn that some may never see your progress.

You learn that even if they do they’ll forget sometimes.

You learn that you are difficult to love.

You learn that all people are.

You learn that you’re stopping yourself from feeling love.

You learn that it’s because love has always hurt.

You learn that you must learn to be okay with being loved.

You learn to learn how to be loved.

I write this list because I learn daily. I am only able to write this list because all these things were taught to me in therapy or by my doctor. I write them for you to learn too.

“Kelly leave the room she said” I do now. I lay in my dark black room, on my cold foam bed, under my weighted blanket curled up tight, and cry and breathe. I patiently await the moment I can rejoin my family and sometimes I cannot.

I desire that hug, that warm loving embrace. I learned sometimes it’s not the best thing to do right away.

I learn to fight the feeling of aloneness in those moments, because I know it’s me choosing to remove myself from the situation so it doesn’t escalate. I have learned that if I am touched or talked to too soon it’s a problem.

I learn every single day.

Unlike most I analyze my “episodes” afterward. I pick myself and my behavior apart, just like I’ve been doing my whole life. When you’re not only parenting your parents, but yourself you don’t always learn how to cope and properly handle stress…no one ever taught you but who? You!

So I analyze. I research different strategies and inspiration quotes and messages. I listen to podcasts. I read blogs. I try to figure out how to help myself and what is going on in my body. I am 35 no mom, no dad, and I don’t say that for sympathy, this is a conscious decision on my part and I am getting so much better now and quicker. I am able to better parent my “unruly inner child”, even though I’m parenting her while I’m messing up. So yeah just like anyone being disciplined she doesn’t like it.

It’s a terrible thing for people who don’t really know you, never taken the time to really get to know you to think that you are unwilling to learn. When I am the first person to see my flaws, point them out, ask for help, and try to fix it.

I mean on my first date with my fiancé I told him every reason not to pursue me. I didn’t know about some mental health things that would later come out as a result of my traumas, but when they did come up I was the first to ask questions and to try and find answer.

The reason I’m not on my therapist couch anymore isn’t because I don’t have anything left to learn, it’s that he has taught me everything he could teach me in his office to get through life. He taught me how to cope. He taught me how to be okay when the feel like my loves don’t love me or don’t want me. He and my doctor taught me that no matter how much my loves want to not take it personally they’ll never be able not too, and I’ll never be able to not hurt because I hurt them. I learned from them and now my 16 year old 3 days that they don’t hurt the way I think they do. That they hurt because they love me and they want me to be free from this too.

My therapist taught me that when I mess up that my core belief of grace, that I myself am worthy of grace. That if I believe that God’s love is grace and mercy and patience, and I believe that everyone should love everyone with the bare minimum of grace, then I too am worthy of graceful type love.

The challenge is on me to believe all that I have been taught. I have already learned and I continue to do so, because only a fool refuses to learn.

The only thing I need to learn is to believe what I’ve been taught…

Triggered…

You know sometimes being triggered can be really productive. Being triggered by a discussion, a seemingly harmless conversation usually defeats me, not tonight though. I did cry and that’s okay, but I’m pretty certain I’ve figured something very beneficial out.

Tonight’s trigger made me realize why I want to run away from those that love me most whenever there is the slightest bit of tension in my relationships.

Maybe my parents should have rethought the words, “If you don’t like it leave. Stop your bitching or move the fuck out. Cry and complain, cry and complain Kelly if it’s really that bad and you don’t like it that much just go to Nikki’s and don’t come home. Shut up and only speak when you’re spoken to. If you don’t like it tough shit do it anyway.”

I think I panic during tension in my relationships because I fear being pushed aside and forgotten about just because of a bad day or two. Like I am not worthy of someone going through all the things of life with me like I would do for them.

I totally love people so much that I’d lay my life down for people I love and I think everyone is worthy of that kind of love. Yet, because of my parents I learned that everyone is everyone else, but me.

The best thing about telling her to, “Take an Long fucking walk off a short fucking pier”, and allowing myself to really grieve the loss of my parents (yes I know they are alive, no difference though), is that I am starting to remember who does love me. I’m at that stage of grief where you decide to take back your life.

The point where even though you may need to talk it through out loud and internally practice your coping mechanisms, all while allowing yourself to feel the overwhelming emotion, all while trying to stay in reality, and saying “I am so afraid you three here will just push me aside and forget about me too”.

Personally for me I’ve prayed and worked hard to get to a point where I could become my own counselor. When my loves aren’t around these past couple days I’ve been practicing a new technique.

If I have a negative thought I will combat it with a truth that I have been told. Maybe it’s confirming statement like, “yes you are difficult to love some days, but so is everyone somedays.”

Then I follow it up with an example of when someone I love was difficult to love. Maybe it’s a time when my then 8 year was stripping his clothes off at 8 pm every night regardless of where we were just because of sensory overload. Maybe it’s when some said something that hurt my feelings. Just anything really that made that person difficult to love; a behavior, a comment, an action or inaction. Whatever it may be.

Once I identify that moment I then ask myself a very important question, “Did you still love them afterwards?” The answer is yes, and if it is ever anything other than that it will be time to examine why; that’s what happened with my parents. I felt no love for them and I needed to understand why. I mean I love them as people and wish only the best for them, but there is no real like daughter-parent type love there. I examined why and I made that decision 2 months ago, life is getting better and better every day because of it.

I then ask myself, “how does it make you feel when so-and-so is hard to love?” I identify how I feel and say to myself, “if you feel this way what do you think they feel? Why would they feel any differently than you would? If this hurts you why wouldn’t it hurt them?”

Asking myself these things helps be able to understand the most important thing at the end of it all, that just like me, just because I don’t like something or someone for that moment it doesn’t mean I don’t love them, and that is no different for me.

It’s okay for someone to be mad at me and not like me so much in that moment, without me thinking they’re going to banish me from their life and kick me out of my home, and take everything I have and love away from me forever. That what was my normal was extreme and what normal is to have healthy tension and get through it in healthy ways.

Running is not healthy and I don’t like feeling like I want to run away before someone has the chance to throw me away. I am so thankful to God for all the triggers He gives me, because I learn from them. It may take a long time to figure out what He is trying to reveal to me, but I do know if I am continually fighting the same demon and I’m failing and failing and failing, I better listen harder because I’m probably missing Gods voice in there somewhere.

I am also so thankful that God led me to the counselor He did. He is a progressive type counselor and his goal is to get you off his couch and out in the world (that’s how I summarize what he does), and he uses a technique called Reality Therapy. It is the very technique I just walked through with you. Just consider it “A Day in the Life Of Kelly” type thing.

Again another conversation that ended in tears; what’s new with me right? This time the tears and the pain was very productive. Once I’m aware, usually if I make my love and little loves aware one of them will hug me, but all three of them know what and how to help me fight for my freedom.

How come?

How come?

How can I see that others deserve it?

How can I not think I do?

How can it not be okay for someone else to go through but okay for me?

How can I not see that what I would fight for someone else for I myself am worthy of?

How come I was not only shown but told that I wasn’t worth my basic rights?

How come I’m failure?

How come I’m a loser?

How come I’ll never be anything more than, “a lazy fat bitch”?

How come?

I took this picture a while ago. It seems fitting for this though.

This Mountain

This mountain means so much in my life. It’s just a really special place with huge significance to me. Not only did my love propose to me up there, but I had to overcome some major fears to get up there.

I’m thankful for going up there now 3 times. I love it there. I can’t wait until the construction is done and I can drive all the way to the top. I know this every time I come down I feel like a new beginning in my life. I feel like I heal up there. I feel like this mountain helps me make molehills out of mountains in my life.

The first time I drove up I had my fiancé (he proposed up there a year ago) with me and I was almost in tears chanting, “Tears mean death! Tears mean death.” This time I had my oldest son with me and I had anxiety before I even got to the toll gate, but it went away after my love text me and we got closer to the gate.

On the way up we stopped to fish at mile 6.5 at the Crystal Creek Reservoir. I made it to the top afterwards. No anxiety. No fear. Just enjoyed it. I even was able to go inside the Summit and look around and do some birthday and Christmas shopping. I usually get sick in there.

I did it. I got to Colorado. I choose where we would fish. What activities we would do. What city we were going to sleep in. I drove to mile 16 and took the shuttle to the top again. I did it with no one holing my hand figuratively or literally. I conquered my biggest fear.

I also wanted this trip to Pike’s Peak to be symbolic of the closing of one chapter of my life and to the opening of a new one. This trip up was more than just a vacation, it was a real test of growth. I had to make decisions with no guidance. I had to navigate my way through some pretty scary incidents that lead me to being literally lost without GPS in the middle of nowhere Colorado.

I did it. I did it on my own. My son right there beside me along for the ride, sleeping most of the time. I did it though. I am so glad I did. I am looking forward to my future again and I am trying to do as much reality therapy as possible. You never know I may walk through some with you.

Another day…

It’s just another day for me. I try so hard. There are very real feelings in me and I don’t know how to handle and navigate them all.

I can’t go one day though it seems without tears or something happening. I feel like I can’t catch a break and never will.

Life is so hard for me sometimes. It’s a struggle somedays. When I’m feeling good and being myself I fear that I’m being judged and worry about what others will think if I do this or that, or don’t do this or that.

I live under so much pressure to always be better than what I am today. I live under the pressure of trying to balance it all…make it all work…keep it together.

I’ve been the strong independent one taking care of everyone including myself since I was a child. Do you know that in third grade when my grandfather was dying I missed almost my whole school year caring for him? For some odd reason everyone thought I’d rather be at home being my grandfather’s caregiver (along with grandma) instead of in school making friends and learning.

I’ve had to always do for myself. Fight for myself. Fend for myself. When my brother and I disagreed we were encouraged to fight it out instead of parents helping us work it out together. Now I’m scared to even interact with my nieces even though it has been one of my greatest desires and fights to do. I just can’t get over fear of our relationship. My fear and anxiety surrounding people from my family and my past is crippling and ruins my life most days.

My CPTSD is crippling and some days I can’t even get out of bed and will not eat because I just can’t emotionally do it.

I don’t know how to be loved. I know how to love and I know what it takes to make people feel loved, but I don’t know how to let someone love me. I know it sounds weird, but it’s true.

Panic This A.M.

It never fails, it seems. Something I’m excited for can cause me a panic attack. It keeps me from doing things in my life and it affects the people I love. I am conscious of it though and that is the best thing for me.

Being conscious of the problem and realizing what’s happening at the moment it is happening is huge progress for me. Today’s panic attack wasn’t me yelling, maybe I said something I didn’t mean, but by the time my love got up off the couch and walked to the kitchen and embraced me I was able to say, “I am panicking about a lot of things”. He lovingly reminded me that it’s all okay and I was able to bounce back so quickly and move on with my day.

Sure there was tears, sure I was shaky, and sure I felt the urge to scream, but I didn’t. That’s huge. I am a firm believer in CBT because of the behavior modification part. The part of CBT where you have to actively apply what is said to you in that room while you’re on the couch, and apply it to your everyday life in between weekly sessions and report back…I actually really enjoyed that part.

I did my “homework” per say, and now today I am actively noticing what is happening inside my body and applying those coping mechanisms i was taught in 4 years of counseling (that should have been taught to me when I was a child by my parents), and almost 4 years of being loved by the most patient man I have ever known.

I also added some medication back in February for my mood disorder and I am finally starting to be able to feel mentally steady and calm, so I can really feel what’s going on in reality and I know I don’t like what I see sometimes so I tell myself, “I don’t like that about me, so I’m going to become a better version of me”, then I try to do just that…

Become a better version of me. The version I know is possible. I’m making me who I am. My love is my teammate and supporter in this. My little loves they are my number one fans and they let me know it all the time. I’m pretty certain if the 3 of them believe that there is nothing I can’t do, then there really is nothing I can’t do.

So that panic attack this morning had no victory over my day. I feel this deserves a treat 😉

My heroes

Did I ever tell you that my sons are my heroes? No? That’s surprising, it’s all over my Facebook and Instagram. They really are.

You see 17 almost 18 years ago I never would’ve expected life to go the way it has. It has been full of surprises and twists and turns. It’s been full of battles ending in tears wondering if it’s worth it. Wondering if I am making mistakes, but holding firm on what I thought was right. They saved me as much as I saved them.

I’ve been blessed enough to go from “Aunt Kelly” to “Mom” in the last almost 18 years of my oldest sons life. I never thought when he was born I’d be his mom, my youngest though I should’ve seen it when I dressed him in the NICU and carried him out of the hospital. These last 8 years of being their mom has really put in to motion some much needed healing for me. Loving them meant they love me. A reciprocal unconditional love.

These last 3 years though they have done even more growing and loving. I met my love almost 4 years ago and my healing and growth has just been so substantial, I still have way more to go, but my guys love so hard. I am not sure who taught my loves so much about unconditional love, but I’m so glad I’m on the receiving end.

My sons began saving my life 8 years ago when I had to learn how to love them properly. I had to be calm and bite my lip and hold my tongue. I had to be able to be vulnerable without being weak. I had to share my own stories that I never knew I’d have to tell that could be reassuring and comforting, but I did. I didn’t realize my own abuses until I started saying, “I’m sorry buddy but that is not right and you definitely didn’t deserve that”.

I guess by parenting them and hearing their stories and making home a healing place, I realized that if it wasn’t okay when it happened to them, then it wasn’t okay when it happened to me either. I was their mom for 3 years before I started getting involved with therapy of my own, and 4 years before I started a full progressive therapy program.

I knew that if I wanted them to heal, that if I wanted them to believe they can overcome and learn to live a free life that I had to show them it was possible. That I had to become free, but free of what exactly? I just knew inside I was hurting from the couple things that my whole life wouldn’t leave me alone, and I needed help with that, and healing from my abusive marriage.

Here I am 4 years ago and still not able to predict a PTSD trigger, but that’s why they are triggers. I needed know when or where they will come from. I will stay away from news and tv and radio and try to shelter myself from the unexpected triggers, but life is unpredictable and I cannot possibly know when or where a trigger will be hiding. For me this is because of the types of and the length of time exposed to a traumatic environment or experience. It took my 31 nearly 32 years of life to be free of my abuse and neglect. Sometimes I fear my love made a mistake by “rescuing” me, but then I remind myself that I didn’t need him to rescue me even though it was a hard situation. I just needed love to soar.

That love my sons started long before 8 years ago when I got to love them before they were mine, but once I became mom and they confided in me that I truly began to become free of my bad stuff.

Today I still wonder about every word I say to them, every interaction, every good and bad moment if I am messing them up. When I fail or fall short I feel as if they deserve so much better than me. I feel they don’t deserve a depressed and sad mom, but it’s because of them that I’m even able to feel anything.

I feel that my love deserves a partner isn’t depressed, that my sadness is bad for him and ruining his life, just as much as I feel it ruins mine. I feel like I’m hurting them. I feel like I’m the worse thing for them.

Even though I have these feelings I know reality. I know consciously the truths, because they tell me them, because they truly love me I truly believe them. I just struggle. I have no confidence in myself and I am affairs that I’m going to make them leave me, putting too much pressure on myself to be perfect and to never mess up, because my subconscious and conscious cannot seem to get on the same page.

My heroes I love you so much. I know it’s hard to believe some days, but I do. My sons you will never know how much you have saved my life. Your smiles, hugs, laughs, kisses, tears, every last bit of it has helped me become free. Your love has encouraged me to do things I would’ve never done before.

My love you are one of those things my little loves encouraged me to do. To finally contact you—them, to go on a date with anyone—them, and then you can along to help them love me the way no one else ever could. You don’t understand how amazing you really are, and I haven’t been well this last year and a half and I have forgotten to make you feel how amazing you are.

You have picked up the pieces that were already on the floor and put them together again. When they broke apart again, but this time in a pile way bigger than the first. This puzzle needed more work, more effort, more time, more energy, more of your strength. Even in your weakness your strength showing through. You are the glue that holds these pieces together once you put them back together. I will never be able to repay you for every little thing you’ve done.

The three of you save my life everyday. Even when it’s what feels like the end of the world to me, you three reassure me that we are a family made of love and that I am loved even when I feel like the worse thing for anyone. My loves you have my whole heart.

I’m sorry depression runs my life sometimes. I’m sorry my depression hurts you all too. I keep working everyday to be the best version of me. I’m sorry my trigger has lasted 2 years and I promise to keep working on being the real me again. Gentle, kind, compassionate, caring, loving me…I will be her again.

I will set myself free from, “what others may think”, and just be free. I promise I’m getting there. I love you 3 for giving me the courage to set myself free from the things that control me.