What do you do when there is something about you won’t be able to change? Like having a mental/behavioral health problem that is just part of you?
You learn to be “okay” with “not being okay”.
You learn to listen to their words and only their words even if you cannot process them while they’re saying them.
You learn to process them when your head is silent.
You learn to say there is just too much.
You learn that they love you.
You learn to trust.
You learn everything you can.
You learn to fail.
You learn to pick yourself back up.
And even when you believe you’re not good enough, that your not loveable, you’re not worth it, you allow their words to come through at the end of the day and start again tomorrow.
You learn to be okay with being you.
You learn to be patient with yourself.
You learn to be patient when they’re not patient with you.
You learn that you’ll never be perfect.
You learn you’re loved anyway.
You learn to leave the room, escape to the dark, and breathe.
You learn to breathe.
You learn when you can come back to the situation.
You learn that even though you would love for someone to wrap their arms around you, they shouldn’t just yet.
You learn to be okay with that.
You allow yourself to be okay with good touch when your panicking.
You learn that those touching you only have your best interest at heart.
You learn that even though you may freak the fuck out when they come close to you or touch you, to take a breath and look at them.
You learn that seeing their face can change “who you’re seeing”.
You learn to come back to reality when you see their loving faces.
You learn to let them know to ask before touching when you’re upset.
You learn to feel loved when sad.
You learn to feel loved when mad.
You learn to feel loved when joyous.
You learn to allow yourself to feel loved in all parts of your life.
You learn that you are stronger than you’ve ever imagined.
You learn that you will feel weaker than you’ve ever imagined.
You learn to lose control.
You learn to be in control.
You learn try to change only what you can.
You learn to embrace every day with hopeful anticipation.
You learn love harder.
You learn that some may never see your progress.
You learn that even if they do they’ll forget sometimes.
You learn that you are difficult to love.
You learn that all people are.
You learn that you’re stopping yourself from feeling love.
You learn that it’s because love has always hurt.
You learn that you must learn to be okay with being loved.
You learn to learn how to be loved.
I write this list because I learn daily. I am only able to write this list because all these things were taught to me in therapy or by my doctor. I write them for you to learn too.
“Kelly leave the room she said” I do now. I lay in my dark black room, on my cold foam bed, under my weighted blanket curled up tight, and cry and breathe. I patiently await the moment I can rejoin my family and sometimes I cannot.
I desire that hug, that warm loving embrace. I learned sometimes it’s not the best thing to do right away.
I learn to fight the feeling of aloneness in those moments, because I know it’s me choosing to remove myself from the situation so it doesn’t escalate. I have learned that if I am touched or talked to too soon it’s a problem.
I learn every single day.
Unlike most I analyze my “episodes” afterward. I pick myself and my behavior apart, just like I’ve been doing my whole life. When you’re not only parenting your parents, but yourself you don’t always learn how to cope and properly handle stress…no one ever taught you but who? You!
So I analyze. I research different strategies and inspiration quotes and messages. I listen to podcasts. I read blogs. I try to figure out how to help myself and what is going on in my body. I am 35 no mom, no dad, and I don’t say that for sympathy, this is a conscious decision on my part and I am getting so much better now and quicker. I am able to better parent my “unruly inner child”, even though I’m parenting her while I’m messing up. So yeah just like anyone being disciplined she doesn’t like it.
It’s a terrible thing for people who don’t really know you, never taken the time to really get to know you to think that you are unwilling to learn. When I am the first person to see my flaws, point them out, ask for help, and try to fix it.
I mean on my first date with my fiancé I told him every reason not to pursue me. I didn’t know about some mental health things that would later come out as a result of my traumas, but when they did come up I was the first to ask questions and to try and find answer.
The reason I’m not on my therapist couch anymore isn’t because I don’t have anything left to learn, it’s that he has taught me everything he could teach me in his office to get through life. He taught me how to cope. He taught me how to be okay when the feel like my loves don’t love me or don’t want me. He and my doctor taught me that no matter how much my loves want to not take it personally they’ll never be able not too, and I’ll never be able to not hurt because I hurt them. I learned from them and now my 16 year old 3 days that they don’t hurt the way I think they do. That they hurt because they love me and they want me to be free from this too.
My therapist taught me that when I mess up that my core belief of grace, that I myself am worthy of grace. That if I believe that God’s love is grace and mercy and patience, and I believe that everyone should love everyone with the bare minimum of grace, then I too am worthy of graceful type love.
The challenge is on me to believe all that I have been taught. I have already learned and I continue to do so, because only a fool refuses to learn.
The only thing I need to learn is to believe what I’ve been taught…