Tag Archives: stress

You’re Okay

Home alone again.

It’s the hardest thing for me to be.

This subconscious fear.

This anxiety.

I fight hard to distract and be okay.

I know I’m okay.

I know I’m safe here.

I know when they’ll be home.

I know that they’ll be home.

I’m home alone again.

Nothing to worry about.

I want to cry.

I’m not sure why.

I can over come this too.

A new season I’m in.

A new season we are all in.

My new season is a trigger of a past season.

Remember Kelly you know what’s real.

They went to work.

They will be home.

They can’t wait to come home to you.

You know what time everyone will be home.

You are loved.

You are wanted.

They left home.

They didn’t leave you.

Most of all though.

Remember;

You’re okay.

Consequence for my decisions

Too often I had been told that my giving nature was a bad thing, then I found out that being nice and giving and serving others isn’t a bad thing, it’s using it on the wrong people that’s bad.

“But, Kelly everyone is deserving of kindness”, yes that is true. Kindness like love is to be freely given, but that doesn’t mean it is taken advantage of either.

I went through counseling over the last 4 years, been off the couch for 6 months now (whoa!), I would always hold firm to the belief that my giving spirit is just who I am and it makes me feel like me. It’s my happiness. My peace. My thing.

My counselor would reassure me that it’s okay to want to do for people, but not if the people I am doing for are hurting me, Will always hurt me, and have hurt me. That there was a population of people that would appreciate my “goodheartedness”.

I didn’t understand him at first, but then I began to realize that he was right. That the wrong people to serve were the very people who were hurting me in the first place. I thought I understood him then, but boy do I really understand now.

You see this past Thanksgiving after making the decision that I would only focus this gift on those who truly need this gift and will appreciate it. To use this gift of service and feeding and healing for the betterment of our society, not just a few in my life who decided it was theirs and theirs only, not even mine.

So on Thanksgiving we loaded up the Tesla and headed over to a mission in Chicago who I just found out had had some very serious discrimination allegations made, and because they don’t accept state or federal money (Catholic Mission) they are not being held to the same standards and are allowed to freely discriminate against who can even get a meal. Now because of this I refuse to take anything there that I cannot distribute to tent cities in and around Chicago, Northwest Indiana, and anywhere else I feel called…Detroit has been on my mind a lot lately, I wonder what’s up there…

You see how passionate I am about feeding people? I can’t even talk about Thanksgiving without ranting about the unfair discrimination from a place that claims to be founded and ran on “Christian” principles! I am a Christian and I don’t discriminate, I’m all inclusive, and that’s what Jesus taught me, “…red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in his sight, Jesus loves the little children of the world”…

Anyway back to Thanksgiving…

I had asked my little family if they would mind if instead of me cooking a full Thanksgiving meal since I knew we’d be having a feast later in the day, and we always feel bad when we are already too stuffed to eat once we get there, and I wasn’t feeling very well the last 8-12 months, so I just wasn’t up to cooking a big meal. My 3 loves were absolutely fine with it and actually really loved my replacement idea.

I thought, “Hey let’s get some blessing bags and necessities for the homeless donated and we will go pass them out on Thanksgiving and the items not accepted on the streets we will give at the mission.” They were excited to do so. We collected so many items and when we got to Chicago we found that the people I usually collect and they help me distribute for were already taken care of by very generous people. This made me my heart smile so big!

We had a great time! We really did. It was such an awesome way to spend thanksgiving morning. We headed back home, rested, and just like expected a feast later at my loves dad’s house. It really was a blessed day. I had been wanting to do this on Thanksgiving for some time now, so glad I got to see that the need is before Thanksgiving, and like we had been doing after the 1st of the new year.

By now you’re probably wondering what the problem is. You’re probably asking yourself, “Wasn’t this about you and you’re giving nature being bad?” Yes, yes it is.

You see this great day that obviously no one can see the problem in this day, this day was a huge turning point for me. Actually July 4th, 2019 was a huge turning point in my life. I mean once you’ve been to Pike’s Peak, are a donut at 14,000 ft elevation, and been proposed to, in what is what I believe to be the most healing and magical place in the world, there really is nothing in your life you cannot do.

View of the Rocky Mountains from Colorado Spring Colorado, July 4th 2019.

July 4th, 2019 that mountain changed my life in more ways than one. It probably actually started the day before during the trip up to the Alpine Visitor Center…yikes! Alpine Visitor Center road or Pike’s Peak Highway, Pike’s Peak for sure!!!!

Those mountains, making it to the top of mountain peaks is a very healing experience, trust me. For me I conquered a fear of heights, I even went back on 6/22/2020 and drove up to Pike’s Peak (mile 16 mandatory shuttle due to construction), I did it. No one else. I drove down too. Huge victory over my life right there.

That day my love, the love of my life proposed and made all those promises he’d been promising for so long a reality. I had waited so long. I was so shocked and so surprised when I realized he wasn’t just being an ass with that donut as a proposal, that he actually had a ring in his boot. I cannot even remember what he said, just he was red and tears running down his face too. He changed my life once again that day.

Little did we both know that, that proposal and that mountain would trigger so much in both of us, but for me another huge wave of healing was about to start unbeknownst to me.

When I got home and went to see my little sister, my mother, and my step-father. My mother she is literally just the woman who made me in my eyes now. If you’ve been following along and continue to follow along you’ll understand why. She wasn’t very interested as usual and had to steer the conversation a way that was beneficial to her. All she cared about was the size of the stone and her new grand baby. Not all that it took for me to get up that mountain to get that ring that I didn’t know about.

So I kept working in therapy and at home to keep putting boundaries up with her and he, to keep, “keeping it businesslike” so I wouldn’t be hurt. I was also working through some very real current hurts on top of past hurts and having her continue to hurt me was not allowable. So I kept working at it and was getting better with it with her.

A few days before Thanksgiving she text me to ask if I was cooking dinner. I told her that, “I decided that my family and I would spend the day serving the homeless in Chicago and that my little sister is welcome to join us if she’d like to”.

Side note I have a terrible time making decisions for me or anyone else. I am not looking for things to do with people or looking to tell people what to do because I cannot even decide what I should eat most days.

I swear I feel as am I’m writing this you and I are learning something about me at the same time.

Making decisions for me is so hard. I feel like every time I make a choice someone is let down. Someone isn’t happy. That I hurt someone in someway and I end up paying the price for it in the long run. So why like anything? Why want to do anything? Why be any different then the people around me? Because if I am there will be big consequences for it.

This decision that was very hard for me to make and I immediately felt guilt for, and actually caused problems in my family, from the moment I made it, because I just knew. I just knew what her wrath would be like.

Just after Thanksgiving I was scheduled for surgery and the day before I had asked her a question. And the conversation went south fast. I kept my calm though because I wanted her to see she couldn’t get me worked up. I wanted my growth to be known. Then she said something that set me so far back in my progress.

It set me so far back! I don’t think anyone even realizes how far it set me back. I mean behaviors have gotten worse, feelings of insecurity are taking over, and it’s all because of her I’m sure. That day before my surgery exactly 5 months since I came down off that beautiful, beautiful mountain, my life was broken again.

That day she told me, “your brother and you better be damned lucky I didn’t give you up for adoption when I knew I couldn’t take care of you anymore!”

Soul crushed!

In that moment as my youngest son, who I adopted along with his brother, stood by my side as slowly made my way to the floor in tears.

“No she I am not in anyway lucky! All I ever wanted was a better home. To not be hungry. To not be hurt. To be loved. To have an opportunity. I wasn’t lucky with her.”

I was so mad and I responded with, “No we are not lucky, lucky is what my sons were, they got an opportunity to be loved by a woman who would walk through heaven and hell with them; not use, abuse, and abandon them”.

I kept her at a very long distance. Even though she is only 4 minutes down the road. I cannot wait to move away from her and here. It’s a lot of mental effort to keep her at a “long distance” when she is so close (again something no one gives me credit for because they don’t know how much work it takes).

It doesn’t mean I don’t feel the effects. I believe I’m grieving more than anything. I think I realize that now. I recently told her and my step-father to take that “long fucking walk off that short fucking pier”, to use their quote against them. Maybe I should have told them to, “tie a rope with a rock to your foot so you’ll sink faster”—assholes—yes I used to hear that whenever I’d voice a complaint or make a request or whatever, amongst other things. I told them, “You don’t get to deny what you did to me, either of you. None of it. You don’t get to do that to me. You don’t get to tell people that my truth is a lie when you were the ones doing and allowing it. You can take your shame and guilt to the grave with you. I’m tired of you controlling my life like this. You don’t get to ruin it anymore. You’ve ruined my life already now I want you to stop doing it. I want to marry the love of my life, not have him resent me. I want to be happy, and as long as I even know you exist I just cannot be free from your guilt and shame. You don’t get this control over me anymore.”

A couple days later on 6/22/2020 when we were supposed to be camping at home, but it was cancelled due to a storm cell coming in, we were spontaneously in Colorado, this time I drove to the top of that mountain. I may have liked at the top, but I made it up and down. I literally moved another mountain in my life. I closed a door and gave myself permission to lock it and throw away the key.

If there is one thing I have learned to be true living a life solely based on the faith that God will get you through is not easy, but it is truly the only thing I’ve ever had. I’m pretty certain that God said forgiveness is for me not for them. They have to seek their own forgiveness and I cannot forgive them if their ultimate sin. All I can do is forgive, try to reconcile, and if reconciliation fails, know that God had that planned all along too.

Now I’ve climbed that mountain again. This time with the love of my life in the passenger seat and my youngest son in the back. My oldest at home starting the newest chapter in his book with a new job, and me looking forward to actually planning a wedding. I cannot wait to be dancing with him that night. I have so many slow songs planned because that’s the only way I’ll get him in the dance floor, and that’s okay cause his arms are the safest and nicest place to be.

I have a couple insecurities that clearly just decided to read their ugly head again, probably because of what I’m dealing with in another area of life. I’m sorry that they do get the best of me and they cause me not to trust, but once you’ve been hurt a certain way before it can take a really long time to believe it won’t happen again.

So when the consequence of making a choice is big dramatic over the top responses like this, it’s no wonder I fear that every choice I make will be the end of the world. I am trying to fight this feeling so much. I want to make choices. I want to be able to ask for the things I need or want even. But I’m scared to. I know that it causes unnecessary stress, but what if I let my guard down all the way? What then?

Do I get the love and help that I need or do I get ridiculed and demeaned for not being able to do it myself? I’m not sure yet? I’m trying to figure it out. I guess I just need people willing to be in my life a lifetime showing me that it’s okay for me to want and get my basic of basic needs met. I try so darn hard to only do for myself. I don’t want anyone’s money or guilt.

These people have made it such a bad thing for me to have decisions or a life that wasn’t theirs. I fear that if I don’t plan a wedding the way everyone expects it to be then there will be terrible consequences. I imagine people taking about how much money was probably spent or judging the decor or whatever. I fear that people will think I’m spoiled or the center of attention. I fear all of things and so much more. Over the last year and having to do what I have had to do with my parents, it’s been a very hard topic to discuss for us.

I know that this most recent trip up and down that mountain have lead me to say and to do some things I wouldn’t normally do, but I’m glad I got it out of my system quick, because I have way better things to do in my life than to let my insecurities drive my actions.

I used to be secure in my new life, because I knew that God sent it to me, he promised me long before I got here. I’m pretty certain I seen my love in my dreams before I met him. I think because I still hadn’t released myself of them yet I couldn’t be truly free of it. Now I feel like there is nothing I can’t do. Like I should be saying, “Watch me now bitches…” but I won’t, 😂

I’m excited to plan a wedding that isn’t cheap for cheap sake. After a very wonderful and sweet woman heard me talking to her daughter and just listening, she wouldn’t let me pray before I left her house. I knelt beside her as she held my hand, and some how she knew exactly what to pray, and I the word that came out of her mouth could have only have been put on her heart by the one who truly knows mine.

She’s right you know? I am loved by so many, but my insecurities are keeping me from that love. If you all could just remember to remind me that my insecurity is showing it will help me. Imma huge “reality therapy fan”, don’t sugar coat and please don’t be vague.

Because of my mothers inability to live correctly, my step-father and his inability to love appropriately, and my “sperm-donor” (bio father) being in and out of prison as a child and him and his sins, it’s kind of hard to trust that anyone will ever just love you correctly no strings attached. That they’ll just love you expecting nothing and keep you forever. It’s so hard to feel worthy of that security. That stability. It’s a natural desire that all of us have. So congratulations I’m normal, I guess.

I can only try to fight my fears of it all being a “waste of time, energy, and money, because it’s not going to last forever anyway, because no one ever loves me forever or ever truly loved me anyway, they just love what they can get from me…” type thing. The thing is though until recently I don’t think I actually had the “freedom” I needed to be free of that mindset.

I do now think I have the freedom from the very things that were holding me back, from being free of this. Does it mean I won’t have hard days were it’s easy to feel these things? No. It just means I’ll cope and move on, not let it run my life.

If there is one thing my love is that I am not it is patience. I want my problems to be solved now. Right now. I want to do the work hardcore and it to perfect the skill instantly. In reality though this is a process and even if he and my sons don’t believe it I am so thankful that I am going through. I’m sorry it’s scary sometimes, but remember how scary it used to be?

Remember how terrifying it was when I decided to let the three of you really love me? Thanks for going through all this with me. We moved another mountain in my life, together, again as a family, and I’m so thankful.

Now here’s to wedding planning and not dreading it. She doesn’t get that control anymore. I was excited a long time ago at the thought of marrying my love and even though we’ve done life together and it’s not been easy, I’d still choose him over and over again, so I guess that’s saying something.

I have learned that the ones worth my energy and “good heartedness” are the ones who God intended me to love enough to change their lives. I will continue to dedicate myself to my charitable business to end homelessness.

I cannot wait to have raised enough money to start building my first homeless rehabilitation and prevention center, free of discrimination of any kind.

For now I’ll keep sleeping very little to figure out how to raise the money, where the needs are, feed, and connect with the homeless and so many others in need.

I knew I was called to work with the homeless since I was 7, so I will use this gift to help those who truly need it, and that is what makes some people mad. That’s okay because this is what I’m called to do. I’m called to love and to serve others. Such a fulfilled life it can be.

Allowing myself to feel this live and to be living in my true spirit of giving I am allowing myself to feel loved and secure again…slowly…but I’m getting there again. Working with the homeless and planning a wedding seem to me a great way to focus on love.

Insecurity

Tiring.

Exhausting.

What’s real?

What isn’t?

Whats he think?

Whats she saying?

What are they looking at?

Not good enough.

Not pretty enough.

Too loud.

Too quiet.

I’ve heard them both.

Too kind.

Too gentle.

Too caring.

Too compassionate.

Too aggressive.

Too loud.

I’ve heard it all.

Too ugly.

Too fat.

Too tall.

Too “boyish”.

Too dramatic.

Talks too much.

Laughs too loud.

Loves too hard.

Too faithful.

Too loyal.

Cries too much.

Know it all.

User.

Loser.

Fatty.

Bitch.

Spoiled.

Brat.

Worthless.

No good.

Ditzy.

Dumb.

Blonde.

What happened to my name?

I’m certain they forgot it.

I love you.

Buy me this.

I love you.

Do this.

No!

Fine you don’t love me.

Their voices.

Their words.

My head.

My Hero

Tonight I sit here at 11:30 pm writing this, with everyone in bed and Hulu streaming Family Guy, just for background noise.

As I sit here I am thinking about my hero. My hero is my hero for so many reasons. I know he doesn’t always feel like the hero, but he is. Nothing will ever change that.

I used to believe that I was a mess and he had to save me. I beat myself up for that. I felt like he made a mistake. I felt that. I felt like I was the worse thing he could have ever done in his life. There are still times when I’m upset that I feel this.

Now I know that he never saw me as the girl who needed saving, that one of the things he liked about me was my, “fierce independence.” He has recently told me

The man who came and rescued me without me knowing I needed any rescuing, is the . Around him I am free to be me. I never wanted to impress him, I just wanted him to love me for me. So from date number one I warned him.

I told him that the worse thing about me, something that I cannot stand about me, that I absolutely hate and wish it would go away was my yelling. I also told him that I’m in counseling and working on it.

I wanted him to know right away that I had PTSD and struggled. I wanted him to understand that I do not always have it all together. So I layed it all out on the line first date. No hidden agendas, no plans for this date to lead anywhere, no plans for love, no plans for anything. I just needed to be honest about my biggest struggle.

You know we went on a second date? On our very first date not only did I hold the door open, but I was like look here’s all the reasons you shouldn’t like me. Now I tell him he deserves better than me (now I know this hurts his feelings-he told me finally).

Tonight I think about all the ways he saved me that he and I didn’t even know I needed, I am so thankful. The biggest gift he could have ever given me was love.

Love. Just love. That’s all, nothing more, just love. He has loved me enough to point out things that hurt him and others. He has loved me enough to tell me he’s proud of me, and when I’ve let him or the boys down. He loves me enough to take the risk of speaking up.

He loves me enough to sit in a therapist office with me. He loves me enough to be gentle. He loves me enough to be kind. He loves me enough to give me an opportunity.

He loves me enough to love my sons as his own. He loves me enough to keep us safe. He loves me enough to hold me. He loves me enough to cry with me. He loves me enough to celebrate with us our family milestones.

My hero is the man who came after all the chaos, all the trouble, all the hurt. He came in and wrapped his loving arms around me and made me feel safe. He gave me a roof and made me feel stable. He gave me a life and made me feel alive. He is the gift God promised me.

I feel terrible that he’s the calm after the storm, because I am the storm in his and their lives. I’ve come so far and he cannot see that it’s because of his love for me. I hate that I have said things I can never take back—I am sure I’m not the only one—, but I know my hero has never been deserving of loving a woman with such deep rooted problems. My hero deserves to love someone who is a real princess, who isn’t a damsel in distress just waiting on her hero in tights to come save her (although I wasn’t waiting and I definitely didn’t need him, remember “fiercely independent”).

My hero is on the unfortunate unlucky side of my recovery. He’s the one I yell at. He’s the one I want to leave (and the boys) so I don’t yell anymore, simply to protect them. My hero deserves that woman who can stand firm and not be shaken by the storm.

My hero is an amazing dad and his love for them makes me love him so much more. My sons already knew to how to love—I’m their mom so how could they not?—but they have been watching him love me. They’ve learned so much. My little guy has been watching I know for sure.

That little guy isn’t so little anymore, but he is his dad’s son. The Apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree with this one. My little guy has watched my hero early on love me in every single right way possible. Now our little guy is beating dad to those hugs and reassuring moments. I’m honored that my sons are turning out to be men like him.

My heroes love is the kind of love that only God can give someone to give to someone. I don’t think he realizes that. My hero is the physical love of God that I have always felt spiritually.

God promised me that he would take care of me and come through on His promise of a better life, and He did, and still is! Finally, I have not only God’s spiritual love, but His physical love for me.

I only wish I had met my hero 20 years ago. I wish my hero was my first and only. I wish I had never subconsciously made my hero the enemy. For me the worse thing is hurting people. My hero is just a human being trying his best and I know with good intentions, but when I am angry no body likes me.

My hero I am sorry that you are the person after the mess. All I can say is I have grown so much. It’s all because of you allowing me the safety, security, and stability I needed, we needed. You have held my hand, kissed my forehead, wiped my tears, and so much more.

My hero I am getting better, you said it yourself. Please give yourself the credit that is due to you. I may be doing the work. I may be living the pain. You though are right here walking it with me.

My hero thank you for loving not only me but our sons. You have shown them the love and understanding and patience that only a good dad can. You have shown them how to handle a woman who is “freaking out”. You have helped them grow in so many ways. This makes you a hero to me for a whole new reason.

My hero do you remember when we agreed to always tell each other how we were truly feeling, no matter how painful it is? Well guess what we’ve been living up to that promise, and proving that even though it isn’t easy, it really can make a big difference.

Thank you for being honest from a place of love and not a place of malice and ill intent. Thank you for not cutting me at my core and when you have, thank you for apologizing.

My hero the only truth you need to remember from me is that you are the thing I see in my future. You are the one thing I look forward to (besides grand-babies with you). My biggest fear is that I loose you or our boys forever. I know it feels like I push you guys away, but it’s not because I don’t want you 3, it’s because I’m don’t want to make days for you guys anymore.

My hero I want to apologize for you being my hero. I want to tell you how sorry I am you fell in love with me. I want to tell you so many things—again, but I promise to try to stop that, so I won’t say it. I know now that it hurts your feelings. I know it won’t be easy and I may fail at it, but your reminders of what is real in those moments make all the difference.

My hero please remember, I know it’s hard, but you have a book to remind you all the ways that I love you. You opened the flood gates and set me free. You have loved me in a way that has allowed me to grow. You were right when you told me all I needed was love.

Love is all you’ve ever given.

You Didn’ Know

No one but her knew.

She should have known.

Why would you know?

You didn’t know.

The shame.

The guilt.

The pain.

The one who knew didn’t seem to care?

Would you have cared?

What would you have done?

Would you have saved me?

I was told, “What happens in these four walls, stays in these four walls”.

An abusers silencing line.

“Please?”

“I love you.”

“Be a good girl.”

“Rub my back.”

“Pop this.”

A “nap” he called it.

“We all have to live here.”

“Stop causing trouble.”

“Drama queen!”

“Stop your crying.”

“Man up!”

“You fat bitch!”

“…lose 10 ugly pounds…”

“…just cut your head off.”

“Lazy!”

“Crazy!”

“Dumb blonde.”

“Bipolar!”

Mock me.

Laugh at me.

Groom me.

Trust you.

Use me.

Abuse!

Screams.

Tears.

No one hears a thing.

Hunger.

Fear.

Exhaustion!

Lonely.

Forgotten.

Abandoned.

You didn’t know.

24 hours…

No filters, just 24 hrs alone with the love of my life, our Tesla, and nature.

Feeling refreshed…almost.

Chaos

Chaos stole my memories.

Landscape it Away…