So there is this thing about me that I don’t like, but it is part of me, and just like everything else I don’t like about me I’m working on it. I don’t like to speak up and ask for the same thing I give others. I definitely don’t do it for something in return, but I mean when it’s a birthday mantle countdown I want to be included in that.
So it’s okay to speak up and say, “hey don’t forget that mantle thing I started last year through the pandemic for everyone’s birthday, Father’s Day, and Mother’s Day”, right? Well yes. You see I know that and I would tell you or anyone else that “it is fine”, and I would go on to say, “People can’t possible know what you want if you don’t tell them, so if you’re left out it’s because you didn’t speak up.” You see I know reality, but what I don’t know is how to be okay with applying it myself.
This year I did though. I felt awkward and guilty. I felt as if the lives might think that the only reason I do this for them is so they can do it for me. I was afraid that they’d call me spoiled. I was so anxious immediately after I said something, that I began to have a panic attack.
You know what though I’m so glad I spoke up. And even as they loaded it with very thoughtful me gifts I felt what they do when I do it for them, or at least I assume it is the same feeling. You know I’m not exactly sure how to describe the feeling. It’s a huge problem I’m still having is putting names to my feelings. I’m pretty certain it was happiness, joy, or love. Maybe all 3, I don’t know 🤷🏼♀️, I’m sure we will walk through it and put names to the feelings I was having in counseling next week.
Counseling has been trigger days so I asked my counselor to add relaxation therapy at the end of each session from now on and also asked if it was okay to see him after my birthday and this weekend because I didn’t want to be triggered and spend 3 days manic, panicked, or depressed. He agreed that it was the best for me so that I could maybe enjoy this time. And you know what I am certain that this was the right call. This is one of those times where the best therapy is to not do therapy. The best healing sometimes happens in those break moments.
So back to therapy next week and I am so excited to report that besides some tears because I was worried about my fiancé’s safety, driving in the snow storm on Monday (my birthday), I had a good weekend leading up to, including Valentine’s Day, and a good birthday. I can only hope that by this time next year there are no panic attacks surrounding the holidays and my birthday and all the gifts and love coming at me. This year better than last. Last better than the last. If that pattern continues then logic tells us that next year can only be better. It is the year of the Ox , so it is my year!
Today I am blessed to have woke up to start my 36th year of life. Although I have always been blessed and thankful for living another day, celebrating my birthday is one of those triggers that well you can’t avoid right? You can’t stop that day from coming and as I have found out, no matter how hard you try those who truly love and care for you, will push back even harder than your pushing; they’ll push and push and push until you can be free to enjoy your day.
All these gifts, all the love, all the everything over the last few days has really made me feel something I haven’t felt in a very long time. It hasn’t been exactly an easy road over the last 45 days to get here, but in comparison to last year, this year was a high difference.
I recently reconnected with a good friend and she reminded me that I need to love all of me, the good and the bad. When she was telling me to, “learn to love even the explosions”, it has really changed how I treat myself afterwards. Am I done internalizing and beating myself up, absolutely not, only difference is I am consciously fighting myself and telling myself to love me, don’t hate me in that moment or afterward. Huge help!
It’s really hard to be raised to believe that if you want for something that it is a bad thing, and now at 36 as of today be living a life in which people are like, “We want you to want for things. It’s okay to want nice things. It’s okay to have nice things…”, and be okay with it.
I’m thankful for a medical team that has found some medications to help me with my PTSD/Bipolar Type 2/anxiety. Sure I still can’t deal with minor stressors and I freak out over what seems to be nothing at, but everyday is a new day and I start it with a fresh outlook.
I’m realizing more about myself. I listen to what others say even when they are mad. I evaluate it. I ask myself, “is this just anger or a legit thing with me?” If I find myself in agreement with them I work hard to change that thing because they don’t even realize how much I already wanted to change it in the first place.
This year my birthday is today. I turned 36. And you know what I’m allowing myself to feel this feeling today. I’m not exactly sure how to name what I feel, but I can tell you I like it. I more than anything I think feel strong today. Strong enough to overcome a little anxiety thrown at me today and still enjoy my day.
I am driving or showering or busy doing something and I’ll have these thoughts go through my head about what I want to write about, or speak about and then I forget. I know it seems easy to just “write it down”, but when you’re driving or elbow deep in a turkey carcass…
I never really had those “overprotective” parents that some have. I’ve had more of the, “whatever” type parents. When people were groping me or hurting me in my own home they just laughed, joked, and brushed it off. That’s not protection, that’s not love, that’s not parenting.
Having that type of parents makes it so easy to see how, “strict” your friends parents are, or unfair, or whatever it may be. It’s really easy to be like, “they’re jerks” when in reality they probably weren’t, unless they were.
It’s a terrible feeling to wake up one morning and realize that you are jealous of someone or a group of people because their parents actually care enough to be protective, to be aware, to be present; suddenly realizing that is pure love that drives their parents to be “overbearing” and “overprotective”. That even when they are not using the right words or they are using the wrong tone, that these parents genuinely care, even if they are making huge hurtful mistakes; these parents are at least teaching their child they love them enough to protect them. Mine on the other hand did not.
To think I’m jealous of people who would feel that their parents hurt them in some really bad ways emotionally and mentally. Even if they caused some self-esteem issues that someone needs to rebuild for them. Even if they have to go to counseling to get over it, I am not sure it will ever be to the same level as having your mother willingly give permission to strangers and her husband to touch me and do the things they did.
I’m not sure I’ll ever be done sitting on a couch. I’m not sure I’ll ever not feel jealous of people having families. I’m not sure I’ll ever not be triggered. I’m not certain there’ll ever be day when someone not only wants to “try” to love me the rest of their life, but actually can see themselves loving me the rest of my life. I’m not sure if anyone will ever be able to be that sure about me.
The damage has been done and now I’m jealous of things that seem so normal to most. I’m jealous that I’m not the one with 100 person guest list and I have less than 25 to invite. I’m jealous that people had crappy parents that just hurt their feelings and were a little “too controlling”. I’m jealous of it all.
But as a matter of fact it’s not fair to say “jealous”, it’s more fair to say, “I’m grieving what I didn’t and don’t have,” and grief is okay. It’s okay to grieve life. And grieve that shit through every stage. The last stage means victory from it. Freedom. New life. It’s not actual jealousy being felt, it’s grief of a loss of basic human needs; nurture and love.