Tag Archives: recovery

Days since last incident…

1

Okay

They’re okay.

He’s okay.

I’m okay.

We’re okay.

Okay?!

Used to…

I used to let you love me. I used to embrace a new life, a new love, a new “normal”. I let you let me put my guards down. I let you let me be not so independent. I let you love me enough to let me become me.

It’s scary you know? Not knowing who I am yet. Trying to figure out what I like, don’t like, what I want and don’t want, what makes me happy and what makes me just ehh…at 35 isn’t easy. All I know I being a caregiver. I have been parenting people since I was very young. I helped with my brother and at 9 years old I was a caregiver for my grandfather. Now that my sons are working and they are almost adults, I’m finding it hard to know who I am and to be okay with my life.

From the time I sensed my now fiancé was going to propose I haven’t been handling life very well. Transitioning to the one thing I want the most in life hasn’t been easy at all, then you throw empty nest syndrome on top of it…watch out. Not only that I’m in menopause, so I haven’t handled life well since he proposed. There are too many changes and so many “what if’s”.

I’m not feeling very secure in myself right now with all these changes that I cannot control in my life happening. I’m literally being forced into retirement and there is nothing I can do about it. My sons are becoming adults and I am so proud of them, but it’s so hard to know that they are my last two to raise. They make me want to do it all over again. There is so many challenges that they brought me, but they have literally helped become who I am today and I am becoming. My love he is a great dad and when I see him in them or them in him, I love him so much more. So I not certain why I am struggling to let people love me right now.

It’s hard I’m scared I know that everyone I love will eventually hate me or leave me. That I am just not worth someone loving or being around forever. Then I remind myself of everything he has told me. My love has spoke so many “right” things in almost 4 years together. He has picked me up and put back pieces. Now I find myself needing to walk through “reality” to remind myself of every thing he has said or done to make me love him. All the times he has told me, “Until I tell you you’re a problem for me…” This is what I’ve been reminding myself lately (by lately a couple days) to go with his words when I’m feeling insecure in my place in his life , If he had a problem and wanted me to go he’d tell me. He’s not a man of many words. He only says what he means.” It has been helping me greatly these past couple days.

Reminding myself of the good things when bad things pop up and rewriting how I feel about situations is really helpful. I’m going to get back to the place where I let him love me like he wants to. I have to put these walls back down and just feel free again. Traveling through my past over the past few years hasn’t been easy on me, but especially my 3 loves. I’m so thankful for their love, even when I can’t seem to feel it or accept it. I’m not certain if I can ever express to them just how grateful I am for the way they love me.

In the words of Megan Trainor “I’m workin’ on, workin’ on it. Trying to see what you see when you look at me. I’m workin’ on, workin’ on it…” or something like that ❤️

My grief of what I don’t have and what I have walked away from has been so great this past year, but the truth is I have done those things to heal, and healing is what I’ve been working so hard at. So I’ll keep working at this and I’ll let myself be me finally. I’m going to keep working hard to be the best version of me. I’m also going to keep on working on being me without regards to what people think of me, that’s the biggest one for me.

Serving…

I find that I am happiest and at my truest peace when I am serving others in any capacity. Even the smallest of gestures that make someone smiles really just fills me with joy. I guess when you give with a joyful heart your cup flows over with joy.

I’m working so hard to meet the needs of the most vulnerable communities, especially the homeless and at risk communities. I have been working so hard over the last two years reading laws and collecting items and trying to figure out what is the best way to go about this whole charity. It’s been countless hours and sometimes, like now, exhausting.

The only thing that keeps me from my goals with Freely Love Outreach is my inability to be confident in me. I guess my doubt for this is a like doubting God since I know he called me to do this, I should just trust that he’ll provide it all.

I’ve officially started fundraising something I haven’t done in the two years I’ve been collecting and distributing items of need to the homeless and those in need. I am opening a bank account for the charity and so many wonderful things are starting to happen.

I have a short term goal of purchasing some kind of vehicle/trailer in order to become a “mobile pantry”. I am reading so many bad things about the places I’ve been serving that I’m torn between giving them the items or just handing them out myself. I want to take the mission mobile. Meet people where they are.

I imagine eventually having Tesla Semi Trucks, but in the short term it would be awesome to purchase a Tesla Cyber truck with the cook/prep tops. That way I could haul the pantry and offer at hot meal. That’s not cheap. I’m a single stay-at-home-mom I cannot do this without the support of the community.

Please check out the small gallery of what we’ve been doing on the Freely Love Outreach page. Also head on over to Facebook and join the fundraising group; Freely Love Outreach Fundraising Group, and help us make life a little brighter for someone else.

You Didn’ Know

No one but her knew.

She should have known.

Why would you know?

You didn’t know.

The shame.

The guilt.

The pain.

The one who knew didn’t seem to care?

Would you have cared?

What would you have done?

Would you have saved me?

I was told, “What happens in these four walls, stays in these four walls”.

An abusers silencing line.

“Please?”

“I love you.”

“Be a good girl.”

“Rub my back.”

“Pop this.”

A “nap” he called it.

“We all have to live here.”

“Stop causing trouble.”

“Drama queen!”

“Stop your crying.”

“Man up!”

“You fat bitch!”

“…lose 10 ugly pounds…”

“…just cut your head off.”

“Lazy!”

“Crazy!”

“Dumb blonde.”

“Bipolar!”

Mock me.

Laugh at me.

Groom me.

Trust you.

Use me.

Abuse!

Screams.

Tears.

No one hears a thing.

Hunger.

Fear.

Exhaustion!

Lonely.

Forgotten.

Abandoned.

You didn’t know.

24 hours…

No filters, just 24 hrs alone with the love of my life, our Tesla, and nature.

Feeling refreshed…almost.