Tag Archives: PTSD

“We only know what we are taught…”

Today is way better than Friday. Did I fail when I struggled with a trigger ?

Not at all, even though it felt like I was failing. In all reality “some things came up that were good and necessary and ultimately healing, so therefore it is therapy”.

In the moment it does not feel like “therapy” and it definitely does not feel like a “good thing”, but it has proven over the last 3 years to in fact be very healing and better off for me.

I’ve learned some very scary realities through those break downs.

I’ve worked through them. I’ve caused damage along the way.

I‘ve learned to not take responsibility for others faults or actions/inactions that have caused problems.

I’ve learned to speak up for myself, and I’m learning to do it appropriately.

I’m just learning what relationships look like and how they work in therapy and my doctors office. I’m literally being taught that relationships “ebb and flow” that “they are not a consistent feeling, because feelings change every day.”

I’m being taught that it’s like, “Dancing the Cha-Cha; one comes forward, the other goes back, the other comes forward, the other goes back, and sometimes, hopefully most of the time, they meet in the middle, but once in a while we have to back and forth from the middle so one person doesn’t feel smothered or overwhelmed, and that it goes both ways. It’s okay, normal, healthy, and necessary.”

I mean I’m 36 years old and have no clue how this works so I learn about it. It’s kind of embarrassing, but you know what I don’t think I have anything to be embarrassed about because we only know what we are taught and if we were never taught we don’t know, at least that my philosophy.

Remember my loves if you are like me 30 something or 40 something or whatever something just figuring things out about what makes you tick. Why you are the way you are. You will also learn the real you, you will still be you always you, but you will be the better version of you, you know the version you feel you are.

When you stumble and have a bad day, know that you are not alone. Imagine I’m standing next to you, holding your hand, saying, “You are strong. You are beautiful. You are loved. You are cherished. You are good. You are worthy. You are courageous. You are healing. You are growing. I love you. I am proud of you. And it’s a good thing!”

I have people telling me that and you may not, but now you do. I will always be your cheerleader. I’ve been on the defense with a cheering section, now you have a cheering section too.

Just like in football you can fumble the ball and recover it too.

The clergy coaching network shared this.

My Life

This is my life.

My life only.

I may shame my life with you,

But this is my life.

I draw the lines.

This is my life.

I say who comes

And who goes.

This is my life.

I have power.

This is my life.

I have say.

This is my life.

I am in charge.

This is my life.

I am in control of me.

This is my life.

“One More Bite Kelly”

Peanut butter cup crepe from Twisted Crepe Asheville NC. Look at this thing! Can you imagine anyone struggling to eat that? Well I was doing just fine even though it was loud, bright, and people very close to me, until I realized my fiancé was done and waiting on me. My stomach locked right up and I had two choices; 1) cry or 2) stare at my food, rub my belly, and repeat the words, “One more bite Kelly”.

One more bite Kelly,

Just one more bite.

One more bite Kelly,

There’s just one left.

One more bite Kelly,

I need you to take

One more bite Kelly.

“It’s breakfast because I’m 36!”

“It’s breakfast because I’m 36!” is what I said to my teens today.

So there is this thing about me that I don’t like, but it is part of me, and just like everything else I don’t like about me I’m working on it. I don’t like to speak up and ask for the same thing I give others. I definitely don’t do it for something in return, but I mean when it’s a birthday mantle countdown I want to be included in that.

So it’s okay to speak up and say, “hey don’t forget that mantle thing I started last year through the pandemic for everyone’s birthday, Father’s Day, and Mother’s Day”, right? Well yes. You see I know that and I would tell you or anyone else that “it is fine”, and I would go on to say, “People can’t possible know what you want if you don’t tell them, so if you’re left out it’s because you didn’t speak up.” You see I know reality, but what I don’t know is how to be okay with applying it myself.

Birthday countdown on our “Month of Love” mantle. February 2021

This year I did though. I felt awkward and guilty. I felt as if the lives might think that the only reason I do this for them is so they can do it for me. I was afraid that they’d call me spoiled. I was so anxious immediately after I said something, that I began to have a panic attack.

You know what though I’m so glad I spoke up. And even as they loaded it with very thoughtful me gifts I felt what they do when I do it for them, or at least I assume it is the same feeling. You know I’m not exactly sure how to describe the feeling. It’s a huge problem I’m still having is putting names to my feelings. I’m pretty certain it was happiness, joy, or love. Maybe all 3, I don’t know 🤷🏼‍♀️, I’m sure we will walk through it and put names to the feelings I was having in counseling next week.

Counseling has been trigger days so I asked my counselor to add relaxation therapy at the end of each session from now on and also asked if it was okay to see him after my birthday and this weekend because I didn’t want to be triggered and spend 3 days manic, panicked, or depressed. He agreed that it was the best for me so that I could maybe enjoy this time. And you know what I am certain that this was the right call. This is one of those times where the best therapy is to not do therapy. The best healing sometimes happens in those break moments.

So back to therapy next week and I am so excited to report that besides some tears because I was worried about my fiancé’s safety, driving in the snow storm on Monday (my birthday), I had a good weekend leading up to, including Valentine’s Day, and a good birthday. I can only hope that by this time next year there are no panic attacks surrounding the holidays and my birthday and all the gifts and love coming at me. This year better than last. Last better than the last. If that pattern continues then logic tells us that next year can only be better. It is the year of the Ox , so it is my year!

On my birthday countdown mantle

New washer

I am thankful the house is getting a new washer to match our new dryer we got last year. I’ll be thankful if we get a new stove. I speak up and ask to have an input, but then I immediately feel like I shouldn’t say anything because it’s not my money and I definitely don’t want anyone thinking I’m a gold digger or expect new shinny things. Besides why should I have an input if it’s not my money?

On My Birthday…

Today I am blessed to have woke up to start my 36th year of life. Although I have always been blessed and thankful for living another day, celebrating my birthday is one of those triggers that well you can’t avoid right? You can’t stop that day from coming and as I have found out, no matter how hard you try those who truly love and care for you, will push back even harder than your pushing; they’ll push and push and push until you can be free to enjoy your day.

All these gifts, all the love, all the everything over the last few days has really made me feel something I haven’t felt in a very long time. It hasn’t been exactly an easy road over the last 45 days to get here, but in comparison to last year, this year was a high difference.

I recently reconnected with a good friend and she reminded me that I need to love all of me, the good and the bad. When she was telling me to, “learn to love even the explosions”, it has really changed how I treat myself afterwards. Am I done internalizing and beating myself up, absolutely not, only difference is I am consciously fighting myself and telling myself to love me, don’t hate me in that moment or afterward. Huge help!

It’s really hard to be raised to believe that if you want for something that it is a bad thing, and now at 36 as of today be living a life in which people are like, “We want you to want for things. It’s okay to want nice things. It’s okay to have nice things…”, and be okay with it.

I’m thankful for a medical team that has found some medications to help me with my PTSD/Bipolar Type 2/anxiety. Sure I still can’t deal with minor stressors and I freak out over what seems to be nothing at, but everyday is a new day and I start it with a fresh outlook.

I’m realizing more about myself. I listen to what others say even when they are mad. I evaluate it. I ask myself, “is this just anger or a legit thing with me?” If I find myself in agreement with them I work hard to change that thing because they don’t even realize how much I already wanted to change it in the first place.

This year my birthday is today. I turned 36. And you know what I’m allowing myself to feel this feeling today. I’m not exactly sure how to name what I feel, but I can tell you I like it. I more than anything I think feel strong today. Strong enough to overcome a little anxiety thrown at me today and still enjoy my day.

I’m growing every day.