I thought I would be writing a victory blog tonight about how I didn’t weigh myself today.
Well I can’t do that now.
My anxiety about my weight won, obviously. It’s such a subconscious thing for me. I used to never consider owning a scale because of this problem of always watching the numbers.
I don’t think it helps me to know how many ounces I gained or lost in the last 24 hours. I think it only drives my eating disorders further.
Today I blew it by going into our master bath to use the bathroom in the middle of the day. That’s the bathroom with the scale. I stepped on it to see that I gained weight, then went about my day.
As I’m writing about my struggle with the scale I realize that almost every time I use our master bathroom I step on that scale. I’m not sure what it is my brain is doing here, but I know it’s time for it to learn a new behavior. A new way of thinking.
I’m sure this “need” to weigh myself frequently is stemming from the fact that I’ve gained weight since having my gastric bypass reversed in December. I know it is a much needed weight gain, consciously, but I don’t think the subconscious has gotten the message.
I’m sure the fact that I was bullied not only at school, but at home as well for my weight. The same people who would tell that my bullies were wrong, or that I was wrong when I called myself names were in fact calling me names too.
One can only take being called “fat” so many times. One can only take being told, “I know how you can loose 10 ugly pounds…cut your head off.” So many times. I guess those things no matter how much you work through them just are deep rooted and stay that way.
4 years of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and I’m still uncovering things I have to work on. Clearly this is another part of my subconscious that I have to correct. It isn’t easy.
Alot of the times, like just now, I have to talk through something to figure out where to begin the healing journey. While writing this blog I figured out one thing that probably is fueling my need to weigh myself.
I’m not certain where to begin. I’m positive I’ll figure it out though. I know not having access to a scale will cause me anxiety and panic, so removing it from the house is not an acceptable answer. Constantly obsessing about my changes in weight is not an acceptable answer either.
Now if I could just figure out the whole eating disorder recovery thing I’d be extremely happy!