Tag Archives: panic attack

Panic This A.M.

It never fails, it seems. Something I’m excited for can cause me a panic attack. It keeps me from doing things in my life and it affects the people I love. I am conscious of it though and that is the best thing for me.

Being conscious of the problem and realizing what’s happening at the moment it is happening is huge progress for me. Today’s panic attack wasn’t me yelling, maybe I said something I didn’t mean, but by the time my love got up off the couch and walked to the kitchen and embraced me I was able to say, “I am panicking about a lot of things”. He lovingly reminded me that it’s all okay and I was able to bounce back so quickly and move on with my day.

Sure there was tears, sure I was shaky, and sure I felt the urge to scream, but I didn’t. That’s huge. I am a firm believer in CBT because of the behavior modification part. The part of CBT where you have to actively apply what is said to you in that room while you’re on the couch, and apply it to your everyday life in between weekly sessions and report back…I actually really enjoyed that part.

I did my “homework” per say, and now today I am actively noticing what is happening inside my body and applying those coping mechanisms i was taught in 4 years of counseling (that should have been taught to me when I was a child by my parents), and almost 4 years of being loved by the most patient man I have ever known.

I also added some medication back in February for my mood disorder and I am finally starting to be able to feel mentally steady and calm, so I can really feel what’s going on in reality and I know I don’t like what I see sometimes so I tell myself, “I don’t like that about me, so I’m going to become a better version of me”, then I try to do just that…

Become a better version of me. The version I know is possible. I’m making me who I am. My love is my teammate and supporter in this. My little loves they are my number one fans and they let me know it all the time. I’m pretty certain if the 3 of them believe that there is nothing I can’t do, then there really is nothing I can’t do.

So that panic attack this morning had no victory over my day. I feel this deserves a treat 😉

The Terror of Eating

Eating! I love eating when I like the food that is.

Eating is a double-edge sword for me though. Food is something that does and always has caused me a great deal of anxiety. Something that has always been misunderstood and mislabeled as “picky eating”. Picky eating is putting it mildly for me, it is way more than just being picky and not liking certain foods, its a huge source of anxiety for me that most do not, have not, and will not ever understand.

I’m not exactly certain what fuels the anxiety besides being on the Autism Spectrum. I wish I knew because I would fix it. I find that being able to express just how badly food makes me feel is helping. It is really hard to overcome this eating problem I have, but I keep trying. I am constantly reminded to eat and to buy foods that I like when I go to the store, but that is a major anxiety trigger for me. I have no clue what I like and I care too much about how much things cost.

I try so hard to buy myself foods when I go grocery shopping for the family, but it doesn’t go very well. My heart starts to pound hard and fast, my palms begin to sweat, and I begin to feel disoriented…it is not a fun feeling. I try to keep calm and not panic, “It’s only food you crazy woman!” I shout inside my head at myself to no avail.

I stand there looking at all the options in front of, to the side of, and to the back of me. There are too many choices. I am over-whelmed! What will I choose? When I do choose something how much will it costs? “Can I just choose something without worrying about the cost for once?”, I think to myself. The answer of course is, “No!”.

If I get over those things and I choose to to ponder the thought of trying this new item, the panic gets worse.

What will it taste like? What is it supposed to taste like? What will the texture be? What will the color be? Oh, and for the love of God please don’t let it have a strong smell! Like seriously my nose is too sensitive for that? How do I prepare it? Will I like it? What happens if I don’t like it? Is there a consequence for that? If there is a consequence for not liking it, what will it be?

Will I enjoy this new food item? Will I waste it? I hate waste! Gosh I hope I like it. I don’t want to waste food when there are starving people in this world. I don’t want to waste money for obvious reasons. I definitely don’t want to waste my time like this panicking over food. Man, I hate waste! I really, really, really dislike waste…

There are just way too many unknown variables in this equation. I am not certain how I am supposed to choose for me. Feeding others is easy. Feeding myself is hard.