I’m probably the hardest person in the world to love, at least I think. I don’t let people love me very easily, but I will love you so hard. Being loved is new to me. It’s scary to my subconscious. Consciously I love my life and wouldn’t trade it for the world.
I’m sure how much I love my life with my love and the boys is the exact reason why my subconscious attacks me so regularly. It’s like it cannot get on board with how things are now. It’s like it always expects the worse from everyone and everything even though consciously I’m pretty happy. Sure there are some things that make me sad or mad, but for the most part I’m happy with my life.
Isn’t just like the devil to attack you were it hurts the most. I mean how many times have I verbalized that my biggest fear is loosing my love and little loves? Countless!
My past is a very terrible one with some good sprinkled on top. The last 3 years I have been with the most amazing man a woman can ask to be with. I know we all say that, but let me explain.
My love is so strong and so patient and so loving. I can see it all. I know it. He has endured some real struggles with me. I don’t deny it. I own my shit, but I don’t sit in it and never do anything about it. I fix my shit…at least I try to. I put the effort in especially for the ones I love.
I’m starting to understand something about myself. It’s not something I think I’m having an easy time with. I don’t think I know how to be loved. I know that sounds odd or hard to believe, but I’m 100% serious, I don’t know if I know how to actually to be loved and let someone love me.
I’m terrified of loving and just being thrown away. I think I’m not worth it. I feel people could do way better than me and I want them to. I don’t want to be seen crying in front of them anymore and I don’t want them to see it anymore and I want them to let me go. I want him to tell me to leave so I won’t have those days that hurt not just me anymore.
I love him and them way too much for that. He deserves the world for sure.
I’m not sure where I went so numb again. Actually that’s not true. I know when I went numb again. It’s when it all came rushing back to me…my past.
I’ve come so far though and I’m feeling stronger than ever. I feel like I’m starting to be a little bit more like my real self again. I really hope I can get back to the real me. I miss her. I miss her a lot. The me I was almost 4 years ago when I met him.
I was really loving myself back when I met my love. I was in counseling and I had learned a lot already at that point. I had kicked a toxic person from my life, whom I can now say I totally understand why this person struggled so much in life. Child abuse survivors struggle in ways so many will never understand. Since I’ve come to realize my own abuses I can totally understand now.
I was gaining confidence in me. I decided to take a leap of faith and contact my love (more on our love story later) and we went on our first date. We talked from the moment we met that night. It was like two old friends reconnecting. It was nice. Really nice.
I fell in love with him fast and I’m pretty certain that feeling is mutual. I know that by the end of the second date I was certain I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. I was totally in love. Not like that butterfly kind of love, but like “man I think I dreamt you into existence” type love. I just knew.
As time went on I began to trust him. I began to trust real quick in ways I never thought I would. He made me trust him just by being him his best version of him. At that time I was the best version of me letting the best version of him make me feel like the most important special person in his whole world. I actually was willing to let him love me.
I was scared in so many ways and he struggled with me and begged me to let him love me. He wanted me to know I was worth way more than anyone had ever shown me or made me feel.
I would push back so hard and he’d ultimately win just by being patient and consistent. His consistency and reliability and honesty is like nothing I had ever known at this point in my life. So he could always get me to be relax and trust him. It was like he knew exactly what to say and how to say it to heal a broken soul.
I remember thinking often that he was putting a puzzle together. I was so shattered, so broken, so hardened. Yet at the same time I have always been this loving, easy going, find the silver lining in every situation type person. I had to be for my own sanity. My life was hell, but inside I just love people and life and want everyone to know and be loved, that’s it.
For me God has always been there for me to talk to and I’m so thankful for Him never getting bored with me; even if He did He’d never tell me anyway, He wants me to count on Him to be there when He is needed.
We were so good together and I think we still are, but somewhere along the lines we didn’t love each other very well and feelings have been hurt. I cannot begin to explain how many knives I’ve thrown out of my mouth that I wish I didn’t. We’ve said and done things that I know we both regret. I love him so much and the worst thing I can see happening is us not being together and I want to prefer that with all my heart. My subconscious on the other hand…
I don’t think it wants anyone to love me. I think I don’t know or don’t remember what it feels like to be loved. I’m pretty certain I have put some walls up that I had taken down before, this time I reinforced them way to well. I’m pretty certain my feelings were hurt by the love of my life, at a time in my life where I was going through so much, that I just couldn’t be hurt anymore, not by another man I loved.
So I made sure not to be hurt again, and here I am messing everything up because I cannot just relax and trust him again. I’m so scared. I want to be loved by him for the rest of my life and I am so scared that there is no way he would ever truly want to keep me forever. I mean c’mon if my parents could just be like, “well good luck taking care of yourself Kelly”, then what makes me think he won’t just get sick of me and say, “oh well, nice knowing you”, and I’m left alone again?
I fear every day that I will make a mistake or maybe not make a mistake. I fear having a difference in opinion. I fear not liking the same things. I fear so many things. I fear if I’m in the least bit different than him he will not want me anymore. I literally live with fear in of my emotions in general.
He has taught me to speak up. To say, “No” to even him, and to be okay with it. He has taught me to live myself. He called me beautiful recently and I responded with, “Congratulations cause I actually believe you”. He has helped me grow so much. He has been my rock and my companion. My fan and friend. He is both selfish and selfless and he taught me that it’s okay to be selfish sometimes, that I don’t have to give 100% of everything I have to everyone else.
He showed me this beautiful country, well part of it. That doesn’t sound like much to some, but I find my peace in nature. I am most one with God in nature and when he takes me to the mountains my heat is so calm, so still, so relaxed and all I can feel is this overwhelming flood of emotion; life. My soul awakens and I love him so much more. I feel free in those places and he has done that for me.
I think the worse thing for a relationship is when hearts get broke. It’s so hard to get back on track. The best thing about true love though I’m learning is this, love never fails. Love endures all hardships. Love fights to hang on.
Love brings patience. Love brings kindness. Love brings forgiveness. Love brings grace. Love brings understanding.
I’m trying to learn to be loved again. I’m still learning to be okay with feeling loved. I’m still learning to be me. I’m still learning to be okay.
My love and my little loves I am so thankful for. There is not a single night (yes even with tears in my eyes in the worst of it) I fall asleep without thanking God for all 3 of them and all the good and bad. Because I know everything in life shapes me to be a better version of me. I
love you my loves. I’m so sorry you love someone who struggles from what others have done. I promise to continue to never use it as an excuse as to why I’m like this, but only the reason to be better than I currently am. My insecurities are getting the best of me. I’m sorry my loves. I’m trying.