it takes me a long time to write and complete a blog post. Like days, weeks, months…just depends on the initial trigger.
I used to let you love me. I used to embrace a new life, a new love, a new “normal”. I let you let me put my guards down. I let you let me be not so independent. I let you love me enough to let me become me.
It’s scary you know? Not knowing who I am yet. Trying to figure out what I like, don’t like, what I want and don’t want, what makes me happy and what makes me just ehh…at 35 isn’t easy. All I know I being a caregiver. I have been parenting people since I was very young. I helped with my brother and at 9 years old I was a caregiver for my grandfather. Now that my sons are working and they are almost adults, I’m finding it hard to know who I am and to be okay with my life.
From the time I sensed my now fiancé was going to propose I haven’t been handling life very well. Transitioning to the one thing I want the most in life hasn’t been easy at all, then you throw empty nest syndrome on top of it…watch out. Not only that I’m in menopause, so I haven’t handled life well since he proposed. There are too many changes and so many “what if’s”.
I’m not feeling very secure in myself right now with all these changes that I cannot control in my life happening. I’m literally being forced into retirement and there is nothing I can do about it. My sons are becoming adults and I am so proud of them, but it’s so hard to know that they are my last two to raise. They make me want to do it all over again. There is so many challenges that they brought me, but they have literally helped become who I am today and I am becoming. My love he is a great dad and when I see him in them or them in him, I love him so much more. So I not certain why I am struggling to let people love me right now.
It’s hard I’m scared I know that everyone I love will eventually hate me or leave me. That I am just not worth someone loving or being around forever. Then I remind myself of everything he has told me. My love has spoke so many “right” things in almost 4 years together. He has picked me up and put back pieces. Now I find myself needing to walk through “reality” to remind myself of every thing he has said or done to make me love him. All the times he has told me, “Until I tell you you’re a problem for me…” This is what I’ve been reminding myself lately (by lately a couple days) to go with his words when I’m feeling insecure in my place in his life , If he had a problem and wanted me to go he’d tell me. He’s not a man of many words. He only says what he means.” It has been helping me greatly these past couple days.
Reminding myself of the good things when bad things pop up and rewriting how I feel about situations is really helpful. I’m going to get back to the place where I let him love me like he wants to. I have to put these walls back down and just feel free again. Traveling through my past over the past few years hasn’t been easy on me, but especially my 3 loves. I’m so thankful for their love, even when I can’t seem to feel it or accept it. I’m not certain if I can ever express to them just how grateful I am for the way they love me.
In the words of Megan Trainor “I’m workin’ on, workin’ on it. Trying to see what you see when you look at me. I’m workin’ on, workin’ on it…” or something like that ❤️
My grief of what I don’t have and what I have walked away from has been so great this past year, but the truth is I have done those things to heal, and healing is what I’ve been working so hard at. So I’ll keep working at this and I’ll let myself be me finally. I’m going to keep working hard to be the best version of me. I’m also going to keep on working on being me without regards to what people think of me, that’s the biggest one for me.
Remember the struggle is real, but your “reality” may not be.
Yesterday was one of those days where I just stayed in my room. I allowed myself to not eat for over 24hours which is not good. I did however manage to shower and get dressed, only to go right back to bed.
Consequence of the night before. I’m not certain how it happens or why it happens, but those freak-outs are not cool! When does it end? Seriously! When?!
I feel so detached from my body during them. Like I’m not in control. I’m just watching it all happen wishing it would just end. Wanting it stop. Willing it to, and it doesn’t!
My heart pounding in my head. Sweating. Shaking. Tears pouring down my face. A level of loudness that clearly I don’t realize how loud it is. Panic. Head spinning. The room is spiraling out of control.
I must move. I cannot be still. Flail my hands. Louder still! Can’t someone help me? Please just make this stop!
Embarrassed and ashamed I hate myself after. No one deserves to live like this, especially the ones I love. I don’t understand why they just won’t let me go. They cancel important dates and remind me how close they are to being able to leave home, but I am not allowed to leave them.
They don’t understand. I have never wanted to be the one who hurts the ones she loves. I still don’t want to be. So I want to go away from them so they’ll be free from these moments. So they can live peacefully, without the broken woman.
I love them more than they know. I love them enough to sacrifice a life with them, just so they can’t say I fucked them up someday. So he can’t say I ruined his life. So he doesn’t regret the choice he made. He and they are worth so much more than me.
A broken mom is what I had. I never wanted them to have one too. 5 days to 8 year gotcha day and instead of focusing on that special day, all I can see now is how much better they’d be if I was to just to walk away.
A broken past leads to a broken present. No matter how much effort I’ve already put in, I’ll always be broken. I continue to try. I’m humble enough to admit my flaws and apologize. But I’m not willing to hurt anyone along the way. I’ve done that enough since this process began. He and they should have never loved me the way they did.