Tag Archives: healing

“Date Night” for lunch

If there is one thing that being a boy mom has taught it’s being loved even when you feel like you don’t deserve it. Just loved more than you can ever imagine. For me being loved was & is still hard for me sometimes.

Sometimes I mess up big. As I’m sure you do too if you have kids, a partner, or are in any kind of relationship. I tell you what though if you love your kids correctly and build them up to what they want to be, they’ll love you in a way that helps all the bad melt away.

My little loves have completely changed my life. They have given me so much. They have shown me just by their successes that I am a success and not a failure or a loser that people once made me believe. To myself I am sorry I was ever weak enough to believe their words. I’m still growing though, I have weak moments and days.

My littlest love here has given me a strength I never knew existed. His brother gives me courage and bravery and the drive to conquer all things “scary”, this love makes me stay in touch with the soft sensitive side of me; he too is soft and sensitive. He reminds me that I am just as sensitive and sweet as he is, because he gets that from me. He and his brother get so many things from me. I always believed if I showed them how to act they would—I knew I couldn’t just tell them what to do, but show them.

My oldest little love is just as sweet, but he is strong—it takes a lot to move him. He is usually the rock when there is nothing but a tornado of emotion flowing through our home. He is well adjusted and cool, calm, and collected—everything I strive to be with emotions.

What’s so strange and different to me now is that both of my little loves are working and growing and starting their lives, and I’m not exactly sure where I fit in their lives anymore. I know I’ll always be the most important woman in their lives, but I am not the priority anymore. I just sit back and wait for that day that one of them need me—although they still rely on each other way more than they’ll ever rely on me.

This youngest little love of mine decided to do a “date night” in the middle of the day Monday. It was fun being on a “date” with him. I remember when I was treating them to Mother/Son dates individually, now the tables have turned.

As I sit across from him and watch him make his decision on what to eat, what to drink, and even order on his own—I am drifted away to a place I never imagined, a place where he is sitting across the table from a young lady treating her the same way as he was treating me—a meal and quality time. Listening intently, phone down, focus on mom and how she is really doing for just a moment in our life together—I see him with her, whoever she is, who will get the honor of taking priority in his life, not taking my place, just taking priority—as she should.

I am honored and blessed to have been mom and dad. I am blessed by the example my love has set for these boys. Most of all I’m blessed to have been the mom God called me to be. I fail so much and when I do I fear I am messing them up—they remind me now that they are young men and can handle this even if it is hard—that their wives and mother of their children will be just like this some day—they are okay—I was strong and gentle when they needed me to be and they don’t need me to be anymore—just real.

My oldest little love has treated me so many times and I realized that he was so grown. Now this little love taking me on “date nights” is—a feeling I cannot describe.

Mom of boys I cannot tell you enough to love your boys the same way you love your daughters. Tell them about respecting themselves and loving themselves and show them through how you live and love—they will follow your lead more than you know—one day they will honor you and your love by not only loving you—but the love they give her.

It’s grief not jealousy, let’s call it what it is…

12/20/2020

I never really had those “overprotective” parents that some have. I’ve had more of the, “whatever” type parents. When people were groping me or hurting me in my own home they just laughed, joked, and brushed it off. That’s not protection, that’s not love, that’s not parenting.

Having that type of parents makes it so easy to see how, “strict” your friends parents are, or unfair, or whatever it may be. It’s really easy to be like, “they’re jerks” when in reality they probably weren’t, unless they were.

It’s a terrible feeling to wake up one morning and realize that you are jealous of someone or a group of people because their parents actually care enough to be protective, to be aware, to be present; suddenly realizing that is pure love that drives their parents to be “overbearing” and “overprotective”. That even when they are not using the right words or they are using the wrong tone, that these parents genuinely care, even if they are making huge hurtful mistakes; these parents are at least teaching their child they love them enough to protect them. Mine on the other hand did not.

To think I’m jealous of people who would feel that their parents hurt them in some really bad ways emotionally and mentally. Even if they caused some self-esteem issues that someone needs to rebuild for them. Even if they have to go to counseling to get over it, I am not sure it will ever be to the same level as having your mother willingly give permission to strangers and her husband to touch me and do the things they did.

I’m not sure I’ll ever be done sitting on a couch. I’m not sure I’ll ever not feel jealous of people having families. I’m not sure I’ll ever not be triggered. I’m not certain there’ll ever be day when someone not only wants to “try” to love me the rest of their life, but actually can see themselves loving me the rest of my life. I’m not sure if anyone will ever be able to be that sure about me.

The damage has been done and now I’m jealous of things that seem so normal to most. I’m jealous that I’m not the one with 100 person guest list and I have less than 25 to invite. I’m jealous that people had crappy parents that just hurt their feelings and were a little “too controlling”. I’m jealous of it all.

But as a matter of fact it’s not fair to say “jealous”, it’s more fair to say, “I’m grieving what I didn’t and don’t have,” and grief is okay. It’s okay to grieve life. And grieve that shit through every stage. The last stage means victory from it. Freedom. New life. It’s not actual jealousy being felt, it’s grief of a loss of basic human needs; nurture and love.

1 year post gastric bypass reversal

One year ago yesterday I had my gastric bypass reversed. 1 year ago today I was already beginning to feel better. I’ve gained soooooo much “healthy” weight since then. I used to let that number on the scale bother me…my doctors now look at me and think I’ve lost weight. They say I am healthy “heat is clear and fat free”…yet I’ve gained 70 pounds.

I have muscle and fat in places I’ve never had it before. My weight in my abdomen has redistributed and now I seriously just need to get serious about this crunch challenge, and tone up the abdomen.

I love the new school of doctors who are like, “Your health is not defined by a number on the scale. Keep up the good work.” My Bari doctor told me I’d gain my weight back and be, “begging him to redo my bypass”, I told him, “I believe I can do it, my doctors, my counselor, and my family think I can do it, so I don’t care what you think.” Sure I gained the 70 pounds I lost since December 2016 to December 2019, but I am happy with it cause I am “healthy” in all the ways I wasn’t before my gastric bypass, partly because of my environmental changes, but mainly because of my effort and hard work now.

It’s mental effort now. I have learned myself through CBT how to control these things and what causes me to have my eating disorders. I also have support at home, they help encourage treats and abstaining. I will even pointed out to me when I’m binge eating, I don’t like it but it sometimes helps get me back on track.

I love that I was told “everyone goes through seasons in life, and your weight changes with those seasons,” those words helped do much in this healing process. The team of doctors and the brain I now have is…a freeing feeling.

The Words I Needed You to Say

I don’t know if I can ever express how much I needed to hear those words.

A confirmation that you have seen my effort.

A confirmation that I am thriving.

A confirmation of your love for me.

You have no clue how much I needed to hear those words.

Be honest

Always be honest with yourself and your healthcare team. Seriously they only have your best interest at heart.

I wish I would have been honest sooner. I wish would’ve believed that they wouldn’t hurt me like others had. That my struggles are not who I am. I’m sorry I ever believed they’d think badly of me.

Today my PCP confirmed my Bipolar Type II diagnosis and we increased my Trileptal to the next dosage, I’m pretty excited to see how much more stability I get over the next couple months.

I’m glad I finally spoke up and said, “this is destroying my life please help me”, it has lead to a great treatment and a proper diagnosis. Now I get to have more targeted therapy. Do some behavior modification exercises and hopefully get really good control of my emotions, and hopefully learn to live and enjoy life again.

“You better make sure he can afford you Kelly”

I have ALWAYS been in love with Tiffany & Co., I have two designers I had always wanted to own a product by; Michael Kors and Tiffany.

As little girl and teen I would often bring up wanting to just visit a Tiffany store. I mean Tiffany Blue is like the perfect color, it’s my favorite. It’s got the perfect levels of green and blue mixed together to give it that beautiful romantic soft blue color. I just love the color of Tiffany Blue!

When I would bring this up I would hear, “Kelly you better find a man that can take care of you.” I didn’t understand what that meant. I would also hear it when I would mention that I wanted to wear more dresses, or I’d hear, “Who are you trying to impress? You better hope and pray someone can afford you some day.” It made me feel terrible about being me. It made me feel like liking nice things was this bad thing. Liking wearing a dress and maybe a tiny bit of makeup or doing my hair was just to gain someone’s attention. That wearing and liking nice things was a bad thing.

And here I am today scared to death to be me. To like Tiffany, to like wearing dresses, to like being “dressed up” even with no where to go. I feel like being “girly” is a bad thing. It was literally bad thing for me to be a girl in my family. It wasn’t embraced at all.

I was made fun of, disciplined for normal emotions and I still struggle today with being okay with normal emotions (I punish myself for having normal emotions now, no one needs to do it for me), made to fend for myself “survival of the fittest” it was in our house, that was thrown around a lot.

I was a sexually abused child who had some mental health problems that no one even cared to deal with, just laugh at me and make fun of me. Tell me that I was, “too girly, too sensitive, too…” there is too much to even write here.

My main point of this is I’m too scared to be me, to like what I like without apologies, without hesitation. I just can’t though even though I know the truth is, that I would “dress up” nearly every day if I thought it wouldn’t get me made fun of, someone wouldn’t assume I’m seeking the attention of people, if I could guarantee that I won’t hear any of the stuff I heard growing up.

I just want to be comfortable with the one Michael Kors bag I bought myself and the desire to own more and the desire to own Tiffany (more than just this piece, this is just my favorite. My love actually had a custom made infinity necklace for me one year for my birthday, I love it too!), nice clothes, wear makeup, do my hair, or whatever it is I want to do. I just want to be confident and be the woman I feel I am. I’m want to do it confidently and without fear.

I just don’t know how too.

Eff…

Fuck it all!

That’s how I’m feeling today.

Fuck it all!

I have no filter.

Who the fuck cares?

I have no filter.

Fuck rape!

Fuck unwanted touch!

Fuck white men of power!

Fuck it all!

I’m so fucking over this country!

Fuck it all!

Legalize sex with children so it can’t be a crime.

What the fuck?

Seriously are you fucking kidding me?

Why are we even entertaining this?

Fuck it all!

A president…

Fuck him!

Fuck it all!

The Swear Word

That word.

That one five letter word.

A word meant to identify,

Now a swear word.

An unfortunate series of events to make it that way.

That five letter word is a beautiful word.

A five letter word passed down.

That five letter not a swear wird to you.

They made it that way to me though.

That five letter word.

Kelly

Not Only

Last night I actually slept.

Not only did I sleep I dreamt.

No only did I dream I remembered my dream.

Not only did I remember my dream, I awoke with a smile.

Whoever said, “sleep is overrated”, has never walked a day in my shoes.

Sleep is not “overrated” it’s a beautiful wonderful thing, when it doesn’t torture you.

You Learn

What do you do when there is something about you won’t be able to change? Like having a mental/behavioral health problem that is just part of you?

You learn to be “okay” with “not being okay”.

You learn to listen to their words and only their words even if you cannot process them while they’re saying them.

You learn to process them when your head is silent.

You learn to say there is just too much.

You learn that they love you.

You learn to trust.

You learn everything you can.

You learn to fail.

You learn to pick yourself back up.

And even when you believe you’re not good enough, that your not loveable, you’re not worth it, you allow their words to come through at the end of the day and start again tomorrow.

You learn to be okay with being you.

You learn to be patient with yourself.

You learn to be patient when they’re not patient with you.

You learn that you’ll never be perfect.

You learn you’re loved anyway.

You learn to leave the room, escape to the dark, and breathe.

You learn to breathe.

You learn when you can come back to the situation.

You learn that even though you would love for someone to wrap their arms around you, they shouldn’t just yet.

You learn to be okay with that.

You allow yourself to be okay with good touch when your panicking.

You learn that those touching you only have your best interest at heart.

You learn that even though you may freak the fuck out when they come close to you or touch you, to take a breath and look at them.

You learn that seeing their face can change “who you’re seeing”.

You learn to come back to reality when you see their loving faces.

You learn to let them know to ask before touching when you’re upset.

You learn to feel loved when sad.

You learn to feel loved when mad.

You learn to feel loved when joyous.

You learn to allow yourself to feel loved in all parts of your life.

You learn that you are stronger than you’ve ever imagined.

You learn that you will feel weaker than you’ve ever imagined.

You learn to lose control.

You learn to be in control.

You learn try to change only what you can.

You learn to embrace every day with hopeful anticipation.

You learn love harder.

You learn that some may never see your progress.

You learn that even if they do they’ll forget sometimes.

You learn that you are difficult to love.

You learn that all people are.

You learn that you’re stopping yourself from feeling love.

You learn that it’s because love has always hurt.

You learn that you must learn to be okay with being loved.

You learn to learn how to be loved.

I write this list because I learn daily. I am only able to write this list because all these things were taught to me in therapy or by my doctor. I write them for you to learn too.

“Kelly leave the room she said” I do now. I lay in my dark black room, on my cold foam bed, under my weighted blanket curled up tight, and cry and breathe. I patiently await the moment I can rejoin my family and sometimes I cannot.

I desire that hug, that warm loving embrace. I learned sometimes it’s not the best thing to do right away.

I learn to fight the feeling of aloneness in those moments, because I know it’s me choosing to remove myself from the situation so it doesn’t escalate. I have learned that if I am touched or talked to too soon it’s a problem.

I learn every single day.

Unlike most I analyze my “episodes” afterward. I pick myself and my behavior apart, just like I’ve been doing my whole life. When you’re not only parenting your parents, but yourself you don’t always learn how to cope and properly handle stress…no one ever taught you but who? You!

So I analyze. I research different strategies and inspiration quotes and messages. I listen to podcasts. I read blogs. I try to figure out how to help myself and what is going on in my body. I am 35 no mom, no dad, and I don’t say that for sympathy, this is a conscious decision on my part and I am getting so much better now and quicker. I am able to better parent my “unruly inner child”, even though I’m parenting her while I’m messing up. So yeah just like anyone being disciplined she doesn’t like it.

It’s a terrible thing for people who don’t really know you, never taken the time to really get to know you to think that you are unwilling to learn. When I am the first person to see my flaws, point them out, ask for help, and try to fix it.

I mean on my first date with my fiancé I told him every reason not to pursue me. I didn’t know about some mental health things that would later come out as a result of my traumas, but when they did come up I was the first to ask questions and to try and find answer.

The reason I’m not on my therapist couch anymore isn’t because I don’t have anything left to learn, it’s that he has taught me everything he could teach me in his office to get through life. He taught me how to cope. He taught me how to be okay when the feel like my loves don’t love me or don’t want me. He and my doctor taught me that no matter how much my loves want to not take it personally they’ll never be able not too, and I’ll never be able to not hurt because I hurt them. I learned from them and now my 16 year old 3 days that they don’t hurt the way I think they do. That they hurt because they love me and they want me to be free from this too.

My therapist taught me that when I mess up that my core belief of grace, that I myself am worthy of grace. That if I believe that God’s love is grace and mercy and patience, and I believe that everyone should love everyone with the bare minimum of grace, then I too am worthy of graceful type love.

The challenge is on me to believe all that I have been taught. I have already learned and I continue to do so, because only a fool refuses to learn.

The only thing I need to learn is to believe what I’ve been taught…