I used to let you love me. I used to embrace a new life, a new love, a new “normal”. I let you let me put my guards down. I let you let me be not so independent. I let you love me enough to let me become me.
It’s scary you know? Not knowing who I am yet. Trying to figure out what I like, don’t like, what I want and don’t want, what makes me happy and what makes me just ehh…at 35 isn’t easy. All I know I being a caregiver. I have been parenting people since I was very young. I helped with my brother and at 9 years old I was a caregiver for my grandfather. Now that my sons are working and they are almost adults, I’m finding it hard to know who I am and to be okay with my life.
From the time I sensed my now fiancé was going to propose I haven’t been handling life very well. Transitioning to the one thing I want the most in life hasn’t been easy at all, then you throw empty nest syndrome on top of it…watch out. Not only that I’m in menopause, so I haven’t handled life well since he proposed. There are too many changes and so many “what if’s”.
I’m not feeling very secure in myself right now with all these changes that I cannot control in my life happening. I’m literally being forced into retirement and there is nothing I can do about it. My sons are becoming adults and I am so proud of them, but it’s so hard to know that they are my last two to raise. They make me want to do it all over again. There is so many challenges that they brought me, but they have literally helped become who I am today and I am becoming. My love he is a great dad and when I see him in them or them in him, I love him so much more. So I not certain why I am struggling to let people love me right now.
It’s hard I’m scared I know that everyone I love will eventually hate me or leave me. That I am just not worth someone loving or being around forever. Then I remind myself of everything he has told me. My love has spoke so many “right” things in almost 4 years together. He has picked me up and put back pieces. Now I find myself needing to walk through “reality” to remind myself of every thing he has said or done to make me love him. All the times he has told me, “Until I tell you you’re a problem for me…” This is what I’ve been reminding myself lately (by lately a couple days) to go with his words when I’m feeling insecure in my place in his life , If he had a problem and wanted me to go he’d tell me. He’s not a man of many words. He only says what he means.” It has been helping me greatly these past couple days.
Reminding myself of the good things when bad things pop up and rewriting how I feel about situations is really helpful. I’m going to get back to the place where I let him love me like he wants to. I have to put these walls back down and just feel free again. Traveling through my past over the past few years hasn’t been easy on me, but especially my 3 loves. I’m so thankful for their love, even when I can’t seem to feel it or accept it. I’m not certain if I can ever express to them just how grateful I am for the way they love me.
In the words of Megan Trainor “I’m workin’ on, workin’ on it. Trying to see what you see when you look at me. I’m workin’ on, workin’ on it…” or something like that ❤️
My grief of what I don’t have and what I have walked away from has been so great this past year, but the truth is I have done those things to heal, and healing is what I’ve been working so hard at. So I’ll keep working at this and I’ll let myself be me finally. I’m going to keep working hard to be the best version of me. I’m also going to keep on working on being me without regards to what people think of me, that’s the biggest one for me.
Remember the struggle is real, but your “reality” may not be.
As I learn to get back to me I am finally figuring out how to cope and not let my mind keep me down. The only lost battle with PTSD, Anxiety and Depression, is the one we choose to not over come. It’s so hard to overcome it. It doesn’t go away and there is no magical cure. I would argue that it doesn’t go away you just have to learn to cope with it when you struggle, but you have to learn to live to be free.
I have some eating disorders that cause me to struggle with food majorly. It is way more than a picky eater. I have a struggle with multiple different types of eating disorders, meaning that I have symptoms of multiple different types of eating disorders to some degree or the other. This eating disorder thing really sucks!
I am a huge fan of the Tasty videos and recipes, heck I am a fan of recipes in general, but Tasty is where it is at for me. Any way, I purchased the the official Tasty cookbook “Tasty Dessert” (you can purchase it here through my affiliate link for about $12 https://amzn.to/3gf4ejM). I figured for once instead of just collecting and holding cook books, magazines, and recipes I would actually use them.
A big part of my eating disorder is being scared of trying anything new. I don’t know what it supposed to taste like, what it will taste like, what the texture is (I have a texture issue), I don’t know if i’ll like it, I am not certain what happens if I don’t like something, I feel bad if it goes to waste if I don’t like it, and so-on. It’s a hard thing to live with.
I figured I’d start the learning with everyones favorite food group…dessert! Believe it or not I don’t and will not eat everything I bake or cook, so part of this journey is to try everything I make. If you’d like to join me in this journey click the link and buy your copy today.
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