Tag Archives: healing from trauma

Downgrade

I told my Love this morning that, “after being on a low for the last couple days, a pretty tough one, and waking up feeling like I’m reaching that middle going back to the high that people are going to make fun of me.”

He heard what I had to say about it, which is way less detail now, “they called me bipolar and made fun of me about it at these times, I’m scared you guys will too when I start to come back up. But I am Bipolar and I understand now,” he basically responded with, “we all understand that, and we don’t want to hurt you like those people did. They meant to hurt you, we do not.” I suffer from panic disorder because of the PTSD and we agree that because my lows are so few and far between that I panic when I have them, I make make them harder than they have to be because I’m panicking about them. Like I told him, “I’ll figure it out. I always do.”

I hear him and sometimes my little Loves only explain to me when I’m scared and confused, “you’re okay, you’re safe, there is nothing to be scared about, no one is going to hurt you…” and for some reason these last couple times my Love has slipped in there something along the lines of, “this moment is just because you are bipolar and it’s okay” he told me today that I “panic when these days come”, I wholeheartedly agree with him.

I’m glad that he is doing this because as I write this I realize that he is using a technique that my counselor has taught he and I, “Reality Therapy”, it is extremely helpful. For some reason I don’t get mad at him for saying this to me, I just let the tears fall and melt into him, because I believe him even though everything inside of me is telling me to run and not trust him. I realistically know he is genuine because without thinking I respond the way I do; quiet down, melt, and tears falling. Needing and wanting and allowing myself to feel his embrace. And even though I may circle back around and we have to do it all over again, we do, do it all over again…together.

I feel like my growth has been huge. I feel like I am aware of my highs and lows. I feel like I’m okay saying, “I’m not sure what’s wrong with me. I don’t know what I’m feeling…” Maybe I should become okay with saying,

“A long or steep downgrade is coming and I’m not sure the percentage or for how long, I just see the signs. And I most definitely do not know how rough the ride will be or if you’ll need the runaway truck zone, but I know you have to go down to go up.” (I hope my traveling buddies like that)

A bikini

I’m not sure what I’ve become. I am healing that’s what’s going on.

I’ve learned it’s okay to be this free, now I am starting to believe it.

My first initial reaction seeing this on was, “oh my goodness I look terrible”, then I reminded myself my 16 year old son was getting disappointed in the local Wal-Mart that they didn’t have swimsuit for me (his first time traveling at an age old enough to understand how a tourist town works 😂, he loves tourism by the way).

They were about to close, I finally found bottoms. But tops?

Um do you see what I was left with. He found it. And I was like, “um Joe I’m not sure I’ll look good in that. He’s silent for a moment, (just like his dad not because they are thinking of the right answer, but because they need a moment to process their own feelings) says to me, “we are going to a hot tub to chill, you are okay, wear that because I want to go in a hot tub with you”.

You see ladies your children need you to be this confident, daughters and sons alike. They never see you as fat or ugly or anything. To them you are the most beautiful woman in the world; yes even with every “flaw” you find. This confidence has been because of these “two and a half men” I’ve been given.

I see that abdomen and I think “Wow! If people only knew the history behind this body. The scars on my abdomen visible. The flabby skin. The dimples. The cellulite. If only they saw…wait why the hell do they have to see anything?! I am unapologetically me and my son thinks I’m beautiful”. So ladies/moms/grandmas it’s okay to have hesitation, but don’t hold yourself back. It is the best thing you can do for you, and the little people who look up to you and follow your lead.

By the way the hot tub was to full and my little love decided not to get in the pool, so needless to say this went on and came off dry. I love my Aspie ❤️

A lot of work has gone into not seeing this as fat, effort and energy are used to believe it. 4/15/2021 bathing suit put together by my 16yo.

My Life

This is my life.

My life only.

I may shame my life with you,

But this is my life.

I draw the lines.

This is my life.

I say who comes

And who goes.

This is my life.

I have power.

This is my life.

I have say.

This is my life.

I am in charge.

This is my life.

I am in control of me.

This is my life.

“One More Bite Kelly”

Peanut butter cup crepe from Twisted Crepe Asheville NC. Look at this thing! Can you imagine anyone struggling to eat that? Well I was doing just fine even though it was loud, bright, and people very close to me, until I realized my fiancé was done and waiting on me. My stomach locked right up and I had two choices; 1) cry or 2) stare at my food, rub my belly, and repeat the words, “One more bite Kelly”.

One more bite Kelly,

Just one more bite.

One more bite Kelly,

There’s just one left.

One more bite Kelly,

I need you to take

One more bite Kelly.

New washer

I am thankful the house is getting a new washer to match our new dryer we got last year. I’ll be thankful if we get a new stove. I speak up and ask to have an input, but then I immediately feel like I shouldn’t say anything because it’s not my money and I definitely don’t want anyone thinking I’m a gold digger or expect new shinny things. Besides why should I have an input if it’s not my money?

On My Birthday…

Today I am blessed to have woke up to start my 36th year of life. Although I have always been blessed and thankful for living another day, celebrating my birthday is one of those triggers that well you can’t avoid right? You can’t stop that day from coming and as I have found out, no matter how hard you try those who truly love and care for you, will push back even harder than your pushing; they’ll push and push and push until you can be free to enjoy your day.

All these gifts, all the love, all the everything over the last few days has really made me feel something I haven’t felt in a very long time. It hasn’t been exactly an easy road over the last 45 days to get here, but in comparison to last year, this year was a high difference.

I recently reconnected with a good friend and she reminded me that I need to love all of me, the good and the bad. When she was telling me to, “learn to love even the explosions”, it has really changed how I treat myself afterwards. Am I done internalizing and beating myself up, absolutely not, only difference is I am consciously fighting myself and telling myself to love me, don’t hate me in that moment or afterward. Huge help!

It’s really hard to be raised to believe that if you want for something that it is a bad thing, and now at 36 as of today be living a life in which people are like, “We want you to want for things. It’s okay to want nice things. It’s okay to have nice things…”, and be okay with it.

I’m thankful for a medical team that has found some medications to help me with my PTSD/Bipolar Type 2/anxiety. Sure I still can’t deal with minor stressors and I freak out over what seems to be nothing at, but everyday is a new day and I start it with a fresh outlook.

I’m realizing more about myself. I listen to what others say even when they are mad. I evaluate it. I ask myself, “is this just anger or a legit thing with me?” If I find myself in agreement with them I work hard to change that thing because they don’t even realize how much I already wanted to change it in the first place.

This year my birthday is today. I turned 36. And you know what I’m allowing myself to feel this feeling today. I’m not exactly sure how to name what I feel, but I can tell you I like it. I more than anything I think feel strong today. Strong enough to overcome a little anxiety thrown at me today and still enjoy my day.

I’m growing every day.