Tag Archives: growing

“Date Night” for lunch

If there is one thing that being a boy mom has taught it’s being loved even when you feel like you don’t deserve it. Just loved more than you can ever imagine. For me being loved was & is still hard for me sometimes.

Sometimes I mess up big. As I’m sure you do too if you have kids, a partner, or are in any kind of relationship. I tell you what though if you love your kids correctly and build them up to what they want to be, they’ll love you in a way that helps all the bad melt away.

My little loves have completely changed my life. They have given me so much. They have shown me just by their successes that I am a success and not a failure or a loser that people once made me believe. To myself I am sorry I was ever weak enough to believe their words. I’m still growing though, I have weak moments and days.

My littlest love here has given me a strength I never knew existed. His brother gives me courage and bravery and the drive to conquer all things “scary”, this love makes me stay in touch with the soft sensitive side of me; he too is soft and sensitive. He reminds me that I am just as sensitive and sweet as he is, because he gets that from me. He and his brother get so many things from me. I always believed if I showed them how to act they would—I knew I couldn’t just tell them what to do, but show them.

My oldest little love is just as sweet, but he is strong—it takes a lot to move him. He is usually the rock when there is nothing but a tornado of emotion flowing through our home. He is well adjusted and cool, calm, and collected—everything I strive to be with emotions.

What’s so strange and different to me now is that both of my little loves are working and growing and starting their lives, and I’m not exactly sure where I fit in their lives anymore. I know I’ll always be the most important woman in their lives, but I am not the priority anymore. I just sit back and wait for that day that one of them need me—although they still rely on each other way more than they’ll ever rely on me.

This youngest little love of mine decided to do a “date night” in the middle of the day Monday. It was fun being on a “date” with him. I remember when I was treating them to Mother/Son dates individually, now the tables have turned.

As I sit across from him and watch him make his decision on what to eat, what to drink, and even order on his own—I am drifted away to a place I never imagined, a place where he is sitting across the table from a young lady treating her the same way as he was treating me—a meal and quality time. Listening intently, phone down, focus on mom and how she is really doing for just a moment in our life together—I see him with her, whoever she is, who will get the honor of taking priority in his life, not taking my place, just taking priority—as she should.

I am honored and blessed to have been mom and dad. I am blessed by the example my love has set for these boys. Most of all I’m blessed to have been the mom God called me to be. I fail so much and when I do I fear I am messing them up—they remind me now that they are young men and can handle this even if it is hard—that their wives and mother of their children will be just like this some day—they are okay—I was strong and gentle when they needed me to be and they don’t need me to be anymore—just real.

My oldest little love has treated me so many times and I realized that he was so grown. Now this little love taking me on “date nights” is—a feeling I cannot describe.

Mom of boys I cannot tell you enough to love your boys the same way you love your daughters. Tell them about respecting themselves and loving themselves and show them through how you live and love—they will follow your lead more than you know—one day they will honor you and your love by not only loving you—but the love they give her.

Who am I?

I am not certain and at 35 I am not certain how to figure that out. It’s hard to figure that out. It’s so easy for people to look at me and think I should have it all figured out because I’m an adult, but the thing is I was forced to be an adult before I ever should’ve had to have been one. I had no childhood. My soul purpose was to survive not thrive, I know now there is a huge difference between surviving and thriving.

So while my needing to explore who I am and what it is I want for me and my life may look like instability it’s not, it’s exactly what most now adults looked like as teenagers, only it was “acceptable” then, because that what you do as a teen figure out who you are and what you want in life. You do this so at 35 you’re taken seriously not looked at as a fool who is unpredictable and unstable in life.

Here I am though at 35 trying to figure it all out. I’m trying to figure out what I do to make my life whole and trying to figure out how not to sacrifice anything or anyone I love. I’m not taken too seriously though because I’m bouncing ideas around as I’m trying to figure it out. I’m trying to figure out exactly what I was told to do, “What happens when Kelly is no longer “mom” to someone? Who is she? What is she going to do with the rest of her life? Who is she?”, now that I’m trying to make a plan and try something different and figure out who I am, I’m looked at as I’m not serious, but I am.

I am 100% serious about wanting to leave Indiana and I’m 100% serious that I don’t know exactly where yet. I know that several places seem nice and they all have their pros and cons. The biggest con for any transition in my life is my loves. You know the thing that makes figuring me out is it’s not just me. I love my love and I love us and I don’t want a move to another state to be the end of us.

I know there isn’t anything really here for me and I’d like to explore some options in other places. I want to figure out who it I want to be for the rest of my life. I cannot just sit around doing nothing while everyone lives their lives and gets to be whoever it is they choose to be. I was conditioned to only care for people, especially my mom and step-father. Now that I’ve cut them out of my life completely, I know that I have every opportunity to be the best me possible simply because of the way I’ve been loved over the last almost 4 years.

I promise I’m not unstable or irrational, I’m perfectly rational, I’m trying to find me, something I should have been allowed to do 20 years ago. I’m sure I’ll figure it out. I know I will if I can get over the guilt and feelings of selfishness for trying to figure me out.

Sometimes…

it takes me a long time to write and complete a blog post. Like days, weeks, months…just depends on the initial trigger.