Tag Archives: finding me

The Swear Word

That word.

That one five letter word.

A word meant to identify,

Now a swear word.

An unfortunate series of events to make it that way.

That five letter word is a beautiful word.

A five letter word passed down.

That five letter not a swear wird to you.

They made it that way to me though.

That five letter word.

Kelly

This Mountain

This mountain means so much in my life. It’s just a really special place with huge significance to me. Not only did my love propose to me up there, but I had to overcome some major fears to get up there.

I’m thankful for going up there now 3 times. I love it there. I can’t wait until the construction is done and I can drive all the way to the top. I know this every time I come down I feel like a new beginning in my life. I feel like I heal up there. I feel like this mountain helps me make molehills out of mountains in my life.

The first time I drove up I had my fiancé (he proposed up there a year ago) with me and I was almost in tears chanting, “Tears mean death! Tears mean death.” This time I had my oldest son with me and I had anxiety before I even got to the toll gate, but it went away after my love text me and we got closer to the gate.

On the way up we stopped to fish at mile 6.5 at the Crystal Creek Reservoir. I made it to the top afterwards. No anxiety. No fear. Just enjoyed it. I even was able to go inside the Summit and look around and do some birthday and Christmas shopping. I usually get sick in there.

I did it. I got to Colorado. I choose where we would fish. What activities we would do. What city we were going to sleep in. I drove to mile 16 and took the shuttle to the top again. I did it with no one holing my hand figuratively or literally. I conquered my biggest fear.

I also wanted this trip to Pike’s Peak to be symbolic of the closing of one chapter of my life and to the opening of a new one. This trip up was more than just a vacation, it was a real test of growth. I had to make decisions with no guidance. I had to navigate my way through some pretty scary incidents that lead me to being literally lost without GPS in the middle of nowhere Colorado.

I did it. I did it on my own. My son right there beside me along for the ride, sleeping most of the time. I did it though. I am so glad I did. I am looking forward to my future again and I am trying to do as much reality therapy as possible. You never know I may walk through some with you.

To Love Me is Bravery

I’m probably the hardest person in the world to love, at least I think. I don’t let people love me very easily, but I will love you so hard. Being loved is new to me. It’s scary to my subconscious. Consciously I love my life and wouldn’t trade it for the world.

I’m sure how much I love my life with my love and the boys is the exact reason why my subconscious attacks me so regularly. It’s like it cannot get on board with how things are now. It’s like it always expects the worse from everyone and everything even though consciously I’m pretty happy. Sure there are some things that make me sad or mad, but for the most part I’m happy with my life.

Isn’t just like the devil to attack you were it hurts the most. I mean how many times have I verbalized that my biggest fear is loosing my love and little loves? Countless!

My past is a very terrible one with some good sprinkled on top. The last 3 years I have been with the most amazing man a woman can ask to be with. I know we all say that, but let me explain.

My love is so strong and so patient and so loving. I can see it all. I know it. He has endured some real struggles with me. I don’t deny it. I own my shit, but I don’t sit in it and never do anything about it. I fix my shit…at least I try to. I put the effort in especially for the ones I love.

I’m starting to understand something about myself. It’s not something I think I’m having an easy time with. I don’t think I know how to be loved. I know that sounds odd or hard to believe, but I’m 100% serious, I don’t know if I know how to actually to be loved and let someone love me.

I’m terrified of loving and just being thrown away. I think I’m not worth it. I feel people could do way better than me and I want them to. I don’t want to be seen crying in front of them anymore and I don’t want them to see it anymore and I want them to let me go. I want him to tell me to leave so I won’t have those days that hurt not just me anymore.

I love him and them way too much for that. He deserves the world for sure.

I’m not sure where I went so numb again. Actually that’s not true. I know when I went numb again. It’s when it all came rushing back to me…my past.

I’ve come so far though and I’m feeling stronger than ever. I feel like I’m starting to be a little bit more like my real self again. I really hope I can get back to the real me. I miss her. I miss her a lot. The me I was almost 4 years ago when I met him.

I was really loving myself back when I met my love. I was in counseling and I had learned a lot already at that point. I had kicked a toxic person from my life, whom I can now say I totally understand why this person struggled so much in life. Child abuse survivors struggle in ways so many will never understand. Since I’ve come to realize my own abuses I can totally understand now.

I was gaining confidence in me. I decided to take a leap of faith and contact my love (more on our love story later) and we went on our first date. We talked from the moment we met that night. It was like two old friends reconnecting. It was nice. Really nice.

I fell in love with him fast and I’m pretty certain that feeling is mutual. I know that by the end of the second date I was certain I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. I was totally in love. Not like that butterfly kind of love, but like “man I think I dreamt you into existence” type love. I just knew.

As time went on I began to trust him. I began to trust real quick in ways I never thought I would. He made me trust him just by being him his best version of him. At that time I was the best version of me letting the best version of him make me feel like the most important special person in his whole world. I actually was willing to let him love me.

I was scared in so many ways and he struggled with me and begged me to let him love me. He wanted me to know I was worth way more than anyone had ever shown me or made me feel.

I would push back so hard and he’d ultimately win just by being patient and consistent. His consistency and reliability and honesty is like nothing I had ever known at this point in my life. So he could always get me to be relax and trust him. It was like he knew exactly what to say and how to say it to heal a broken soul.

I remember thinking often that he was putting a puzzle together. I was so shattered, so broken, so hardened. Yet at the same time I have always been this loving, easy going, find the silver lining in every situation type person. I had to be for my own sanity. My life was hell, but inside I just love people and life and want everyone to know and be loved, that’s it.

For me God has always been there for me to talk to and I’m so thankful for Him never getting bored with me; even if He did He’d never tell me anyway, He wants me to count on Him to be there when He is needed.

We were so good together and I think we still are, but somewhere along the lines we didn’t love each other very well and feelings have been hurt. I cannot begin to explain how many knives I’ve thrown out of my mouth that I wish I didn’t. We’ve said and done things that I know we both regret. I love him so much and the worst thing I can see happening is us not being together and I want to prefer that with all my heart. My subconscious on the other hand…

I don’t think it wants anyone to love me. I think I don’t know or don’t remember what it feels like to be loved. I’m pretty certain I have put some walls up that I had taken down before, this time I reinforced them way to well. I’m pretty certain my feelings were hurt by the love of my life, at a time in my life where I was going through so much, that I just couldn’t be hurt anymore, not by another man I loved.

So I made sure not to be hurt again, and here I am messing everything up because I cannot just relax and trust him again. I’m so scared. I want to be loved by him for the rest of my life and I am so scared that there is no way he would ever truly want to keep me forever. I mean c’mon if my parents could just be like, “well good luck taking care of yourself Kelly”, then what makes me think he won’t just get sick of me and say, “oh well, nice knowing you”, and I’m left alone again?

I fear every day that I will make a mistake or maybe not make a mistake. I fear having a difference in opinion. I fear not liking the same things. I fear so many things. I fear if I’m in the least bit different than him he will not want me anymore. I literally live with fear in of my emotions in general.

He has taught me to speak up. To say, “No” to even him, and to be okay with it. He has taught me to live myself. He called me beautiful recently and I responded with, “Congratulations cause I actually believe you”. He has helped me grow so much. He has been my rock and my companion. My fan and friend. He is both selfish and selfless and he taught me that it’s okay to be selfish sometimes, that I don’t have to give 100% of everything I have to everyone else.

He showed me this beautiful country, well part of it. That doesn’t sound like much to some, but I find my peace in nature. I am most one with God in nature and when he takes me to the mountains my heat is so calm, so still, so relaxed and all I can feel is this overwhelming flood of emotion; life. My soul awakens and I love him so much more. I feel free in those places and he has done that for me.

I think the worse thing for a relationship is when hearts get broke. It’s so hard to get back on track. The best thing about true love though I’m learning is this, love never fails. Love endures all hardships. Love fights to hang on.

Love brings patience. Love brings kindness. Love brings forgiveness. Love brings grace. Love brings understanding.

I’m trying to learn to be loved again. I’m still learning to be okay with feeling loved. I’m still learning to be me. I’m still learning to be okay.

My love and my little loves I am so thankful for. There is not a single night (yes even with tears in my eyes in the worst of it) I fall asleep without thanking God for all 3 of them and all the good and bad. Because I know everything in life shapes me to be a better version of me. I

love you my loves. I’m so sorry you love someone who struggles from what others have done. I promise to continue to never use it as an excuse as to why I’m like this, but only the reason to be better than I currently am. My insecurities are getting the best of me. I’m sorry my loves. I’m trying.

My heroes

Did I ever tell you that my sons are my heroes? No? That’s surprising, it’s all over my Facebook and Instagram. They really are.

You see 17 almost 18 years ago I never would’ve expected life to go the way it has. It has been full of surprises and twists and turns. It’s been full of battles ending in tears wondering if it’s worth it. Wondering if I am making mistakes, but holding firm on what I thought was right. They saved me as much as I saved them.

I’ve been blessed enough to go from “Aunt Kelly” to “Mom” in the last almost 18 years of my oldest sons life. I never thought when he was born I’d be his mom, my youngest though I should’ve seen it when I dressed him in the NICU and carried him out of the hospital. These last 8 years of being their mom has really put in to motion some much needed healing for me. Loving them meant they love me. A reciprocal unconditional love.

These last 3 years though they have done even more growing and loving. I met my love almost 4 years ago and my healing and growth has just been so substantial, I still have way more to go, but my guys love so hard. I am not sure who taught my loves so much about unconditional love, but I’m so glad I’m on the receiving end.

My sons began saving my life 8 years ago when I had to learn how to love them properly. I had to be calm and bite my lip and hold my tongue. I had to be able to be vulnerable without being weak. I had to share my own stories that I never knew I’d have to tell that could be reassuring and comforting, but I did. I didn’t realize my own abuses until I started saying, “I’m sorry buddy but that is not right and you definitely didn’t deserve that”.

I guess by parenting them and hearing their stories and making home a healing place, I realized that if it wasn’t okay when it happened to them, then it wasn’t okay when it happened to me either. I was their mom for 3 years before I started getting involved with therapy of my own, and 4 years before I started a full progressive therapy program.

I knew that if I wanted them to heal, that if I wanted them to believe they can overcome and learn to live a free life that I had to show them it was possible. That I had to become free, but free of what exactly? I just knew inside I was hurting from the couple things that my whole life wouldn’t leave me alone, and I needed help with that, and healing from my abusive marriage.

Here I am 4 years ago and still not able to predict a PTSD trigger, but that’s why they are triggers. I needed know when or where they will come from. I will stay away from news and tv and radio and try to shelter myself from the unexpected triggers, but life is unpredictable and I cannot possibly know when or where a trigger will be hiding. For me this is because of the types of and the length of time exposed to a traumatic environment or experience. It took my 31 nearly 32 years of life to be free of my abuse and neglect. Sometimes I fear my love made a mistake by “rescuing” me, but then I remind myself that I didn’t need him to rescue me even though it was a hard situation. I just needed love to soar.

That love my sons started long before 8 years ago when I got to love them before they were mine, but once I became mom and they confided in me that I truly began to become free of my bad stuff.

Today I still wonder about every word I say to them, every interaction, every good and bad moment if I am messing them up. When I fail or fall short I feel as if they deserve so much better than me. I feel they don’t deserve a depressed and sad mom, but it’s because of them that I’m even able to feel anything.

I feel that my love deserves a partner isn’t depressed, that my sadness is bad for him and ruining his life, just as much as I feel it ruins mine. I feel like I’m hurting them. I feel like I’m the worse thing for them.

Even though I have these feelings I know reality. I know consciously the truths, because they tell me them, because they truly love me I truly believe them. I just struggle. I have no confidence in myself and I am affairs that I’m going to make them leave me, putting too much pressure on myself to be perfect and to never mess up, because my subconscious and conscious cannot seem to get on the same page.

My heroes I love you so much. I know it’s hard to believe some days, but I do. My sons you will never know how much you have saved my life. Your smiles, hugs, laughs, kisses, tears, every last bit of it has helped me become free. Your love has encouraged me to do things I would’ve never done before.

My love you are one of those things my little loves encouraged me to do. To finally contact you—them, to go on a date with anyone—them, and then you can along to help them love me the way no one else ever could. You don’t understand how amazing you really are, and I haven’t been well this last year and a half and I have forgotten to make you feel how amazing you are.

You have picked up the pieces that were already on the floor and put them together again. When they broke apart again, but this time in a pile way bigger than the first. This puzzle needed more work, more effort, more time, more energy, more of your strength. Even in your weakness your strength showing through. You are the glue that holds these pieces together once you put them back together. I will never be able to repay you for every little thing you’ve done.

The three of you save my life everyday. Even when it’s what feels like the end of the world to me, you three reassure me that we are a family made of love and that I am loved even when I feel like the worse thing for anyone. My loves you have my whole heart.

I’m sorry depression runs my life sometimes. I’m sorry my depression hurts you all too. I keep working everyday to be the best version of me. I’m sorry my trigger has lasted 2 years and I promise to keep working on being the real me again. Gentle, kind, compassionate, caring, loving me…I will be her again.

I will set myself free from, “what others may think”, and just be free. I promise I’m getting there. I love you 3 for giving me the courage to set myself free from the things that control me.

Okay

They’re okay.

He’s okay.

I’m okay.

We’re okay.

Okay?!

Growing up part 2

“There you go Kell you can become a doctor and buy us that house”, or “Hey their probably a lawyer see…you can become a lawyer or a doctor and make a lot of money and take care of us”. Looking back I see that I was just a free ride…a meal ticket.

I grew up with this mindset that my only job in this world is to take care my parents…my mom couldn’t take care of me so of course it was my job to care for her. I was born to a mother and a father who were in no way ready, capable, or equipped to take care of themselves let alone two children…add in my step-father and we had 3 ill equipped and incapable of being parents that children needed.

My sperm donor of a biological father

7/23/2020

Sometimes…

it takes me a long time to write and complete a blog post. Like days, weeks, months…just depends on the initial trigger.

Used to…

I used to let you love me. I used to embrace a new life, a new love, a new “normal”. I let you let me put my guards down. I let you let me be not so independent. I let you love me enough to let me become me.

It’s scary you know? Not knowing who I am yet. Trying to figure out what I like, don’t like, what I want and don’t want, what makes me happy and what makes me just ehh…at 35 isn’t easy. All I know I being a caregiver. I have been parenting people since I was very young. I helped with my brother and at 9 years old I was a caregiver for my grandfather. Now that my sons are working and they are almost adults, I’m finding it hard to know who I am and to be okay with my life.

From the time I sensed my now fiancé was going to propose I haven’t been handling life very well. Transitioning to the one thing I want the most in life hasn’t been easy at all, then you throw empty nest syndrome on top of it…watch out. Not only that I’m in menopause, so I haven’t handled life well since he proposed. There are too many changes and so many “what if’s”.

I’m not feeling very secure in myself right now with all these changes that I cannot control in my life happening. I’m literally being forced into retirement and there is nothing I can do about it. My sons are becoming adults and I am so proud of them, but it’s so hard to know that they are my last two to raise. They make me want to do it all over again. There is so many challenges that they brought me, but they have literally helped become who I am today and I am becoming. My love he is a great dad and when I see him in them or them in him, I love him so much more. So I not certain why I am struggling to let people love me right now.

It’s hard I’m scared I know that everyone I love will eventually hate me or leave me. That I am just not worth someone loving or being around forever. Then I remind myself of everything he has told me. My love has spoke so many “right” things in almost 4 years together. He has picked me up and put back pieces. Now I find myself needing to walk through “reality” to remind myself of every thing he has said or done to make me love him. All the times he has told me, “Until I tell you you’re a problem for me…” This is what I’ve been reminding myself lately (by lately a couple days) to go with his words when I’m feeling insecure in my place in his life , If he had a problem and wanted me to go he’d tell me. He’s not a man of many words. He only says what he means.” It has been helping me greatly these past couple days.

Reminding myself of the good things when bad things pop up and rewriting how I feel about situations is really helpful. I’m going to get back to the place where I let him love me like he wants to. I have to put these walls back down and just feel free again. Traveling through my past over the past few years hasn’t been easy on me, but especially my 3 loves. I’m so thankful for their love, even when I can’t seem to feel it or accept it. I’m not certain if I can ever express to them just how grateful I am for the way they love me.

In the words of Megan Trainor “I’m workin’ on, workin’ on it. Trying to see what you see when you look at me. I’m workin’ on, workin’ on it…” or something like that ❤️

My grief of what I don’t have and what I have walked away from has been so great this past year, but the truth is I have done those things to heal, and healing is what I’ve been working so hard at. So I’ll keep working at this and I’ll let myself be me finally. I’m going to keep working hard to be the best version of me. I’m also going to keep on working on being me without regards to what people think of me, that’s the biggest one for me.

Me

I have no confidence in me and I’m learning to.

My loves encourage and push and believe in me.

It’s time for me to believe in me.

I can do this.

It is hard work.

I can overcome these insecurities.

I’m helping me by helping others.

A God given gift of loving and pleasing people.

I’m learning me.

I’m learning how be me.

I’m learning to be okay with me.

It’s hard work to be confident in me.

But me though,

I know,

I am a strong woman.

I can do this.

I can be me❣️