Tag Archives: fiancé

My heroes

Did I ever tell you that my sons are my heroes? No? That’s surprising, it’s all over my Facebook and Instagram. They really are.

You see 17 almost 18 years ago I never would’ve expected life to go the way it has. It has been full of surprises and twists and turns. It’s been full of battles ending in tears wondering if it’s worth it. Wondering if I am making mistakes, but holding firm on what I thought was right. They saved me as much as I saved them.

I’ve been blessed enough to go from “Aunt Kelly” to “Mom” in the last almost 18 years of my oldest sons life. I never thought when he was born I’d be his mom, my youngest though I should’ve seen it when I dressed him in the NICU and carried him out of the hospital. These last 8 years of being their mom has really put in to motion some much needed healing for me. Loving them meant they love me. A reciprocal unconditional love.

These last 3 years though they have done even more growing and loving. I met my love almost 4 years ago and my healing and growth has just been so substantial, I still have way more to go, but my guys love so hard. I am not sure who taught my loves so much about unconditional love, but I’m so glad I’m on the receiving end.

My sons began saving my life 8 years ago when I had to learn how to love them properly. I had to be calm and bite my lip and hold my tongue. I had to be able to be vulnerable without being weak. I had to share my own stories that I never knew I’d have to tell that could be reassuring and comforting, but I did. I didn’t realize my own abuses until I started saying, “I’m sorry buddy but that is not right and you definitely didn’t deserve that”.

I guess by parenting them and hearing their stories and making home a healing place, I realized that if it wasn’t okay when it happened to them, then it wasn’t okay when it happened to me either. I was their mom for 3 years before I started getting involved with therapy of my own, and 4 years before I started a full progressive therapy program.

I knew that if I wanted them to heal, that if I wanted them to believe they can overcome and learn to live a free life that I had to show them it was possible. That I had to become free, but free of what exactly? I just knew inside I was hurting from the couple things that my whole life wouldn’t leave me alone, and I needed help with that, and healing from my abusive marriage.

Here I am 4 years ago and still not able to predict a PTSD trigger, but that’s why they are triggers. I needed know when or where they will come from. I will stay away from news and tv and radio and try to shelter myself from the unexpected triggers, but life is unpredictable and I cannot possibly know when or where a trigger will be hiding. For me this is because of the types of and the length of time exposed to a traumatic environment or experience. It took my 31 nearly 32 years of life to be free of my abuse and neglect. Sometimes I fear my love made a mistake by “rescuing” me, but then I remind myself that I didn’t need him to rescue me even though it was a hard situation. I just needed love to soar.

That love my sons started long before 8 years ago when I got to love them before they were mine, but once I became mom and they confided in me that I truly began to become free of my bad stuff.

Today I still wonder about every word I say to them, every interaction, every good and bad moment if I am messing them up. When I fail or fall short I feel as if they deserve so much better than me. I feel they don’t deserve a depressed and sad mom, but it’s because of them that I’m even able to feel anything.

I feel that my love deserves a partner isn’t depressed, that my sadness is bad for him and ruining his life, just as much as I feel it ruins mine. I feel like I’m hurting them. I feel like I’m the worse thing for them.

Even though I have these feelings I know reality. I know consciously the truths, because they tell me them, because they truly love me I truly believe them. I just struggle. I have no confidence in myself and I am affairs that I’m going to make them leave me, putting too much pressure on myself to be perfect and to never mess up, because my subconscious and conscious cannot seem to get on the same page.

My heroes I love you so much. I know it’s hard to believe some days, but I do. My sons you will never know how much you have saved my life. Your smiles, hugs, laughs, kisses, tears, every last bit of it has helped me become free. Your love has encouraged me to do things I would’ve never done before.

My love you are one of those things my little loves encouraged me to do. To finally contact you—them, to go on a date with anyone—them, and then you can along to help them love me the way no one else ever could. You don’t understand how amazing you really are, and I haven’t been well this last year and a half and I have forgotten to make you feel how amazing you are.

You have picked up the pieces that were already on the floor and put them together again. When they broke apart again, but this time in a pile way bigger than the first. This puzzle needed more work, more effort, more time, more energy, more of your strength. Even in your weakness your strength showing through. You are the glue that holds these pieces together once you put them back together. I will never be able to repay you for every little thing you’ve done.

The three of you save my life everyday. Even when it’s what feels like the end of the world to me, you three reassure me that we are a family made of love and that I am loved even when I feel like the worse thing for anyone. My loves you have my whole heart.

I’m sorry depression runs my life sometimes. I’m sorry my depression hurts you all too. I keep working everyday to be the best version of me. I’m sorry my trigger has lasted 2 years and I promise to keep working on being the real me again. Gentle, kind, compassionate, caring, loving me…I will be her again.

I will set myself free from, “what others may think”, and just be free. I promise I’m getting there. I love you 3 for giving me the courage to set myself free from the things that control me.

Used to…

I used to let you love me. I used to embrace a new life, a new love, a new “normal”. I let you let me put my guards down. I let you let me be not so independent. I let you love me enough to let me become me.

It’s scary you know? Not knowing who I am yet. Trying to figure out what I like, don’t like, what I want and don’t want, what makes me happy and what makes me just ehh…at 35 isn’t easy. All I know I being a caregiver. I have been parenting people since I was very young. I helped with my brother and at 9 years old I was a caregiver for my grandfather. Now that my sons are working and they are almost adults, I’m finding it hard to know who I am and to be okay with my life.

From the time I sensed my now fiancé was going to propose I haven’t been handling life very well. Transitioning to the one thing I want the most in life hasn’t been easy at all, then you throw empty nest syndrome on top of it…watch out. Not only that I’m in menopause, so I haven’t handled life well since he proposed. There are too many changes and so many “what if’s”.

I’m not feeling very secure in myself right now with all these changes that I cannot control in my life happening. I’m literally being forced into retirement and there is nothing I can do about it. My sons are becoming adults and I am so proud of them, but it’s so hard to know that they are my last two to raise. They make me want to do it all over again. There is so many challenges that they brought me, but they have literally helped become who I am today and I am becoming. My love he is a great dad and when I see him in them or them in him, I love him so much more. So I not certain why I am struggling to let people love me right now.

It’s hard I’m scared I know that everyone I love will eventually hate me or leave me. That I am just not worth someone loving or being around forever. Then I remind myself of everything he has told me. My love has spoke so many “right” things in almost 4 years together. He has picked me up and put back pieces. Now I find myself needing to walk through “reality” to remind myself of every thing he has said or done to make me love him. All the times he has told me, “Until I tell you you’re a problem for me…” This is what I’ve been reminding myself lately (by lately a couple days) to go with his words when I’m feeling insecure in my place in his life , If he had a problem and wanted me to go he’d tell me. He’s not a man of many words. He only says what he means.” It has been helping me greatly these past couple days.

Reminding myself of the good things when bad things pop up and rewriting how I feel about situations is really helpful. I’m going to get back to the place where I let him love me like he wants to. I have to put these walls back down and just feel free again. Traveling through my past over the past few years hasn’t been easy on me, but especially my 3 loves. I’m so thankful for their love, even when I can’t seem to feel it or accept it. I’m not certain if I can ever express to them just how grateful I am for the way they love me.

In the words of Megan Trainor “I’m workin’ on, workin’ on it. Trying to see what you see when you look at me. I’m workin’ on, workin’ on it…” or something like that ❤️

My grief of what I don’t have and what I have walked away from has been so great this past year, but the truth is I have done those things to heal, and healing is what I’ve been working so hard at. So I’ll keep working at this and I’ll let myself be me finally. I’m going to keep working hard to be the best version of me. I’m also going to keep on working on being me without regards to what people think of me, that’s the biggest one for me.

My Hero

Tonight I sit here at 11:30 pm writing this, with everyone in bed and Hulu streaming Family Guy, just for background noise.

As I sit here I am thinking about my hero. My hero is my hero for so many reasons. I know he doesn’t always feel like the hero, but he is. Nothing will ever change that.

I used to believe that I was a mess and he had to save me. I beat myself up for that. I felt like he made a mistake. I felt that. I felt like I was the worse thing he could have ever done in his life. There are still times when I’m upset that I feel this.

Now I know that he never saw me as the girl who needed saving, that one of the things he liked about me was my, “fierce independence.” He has recently told me

The man who came and rescued me without me knowing I needed any rescuing, is the . Around him I am free to be me. I never wanted to impress him, I just wanted him to love me for me. So from date number one I warned him.

I told him that the worse thing about me, something that I cannot stand about me, that I absolutely hate and wish it would go away was my yelling. I also told him that I’m in counseling and working on it.

I wanted him to know right away that I had PTSD and struggled. I wanted him to understand that I do not always have it all together. So I layed it all out on the line first date. No hidden agendas, no plans for this date to lead anywhere, no plans for love, no plans for anything. I just needed to be honest about my biggest struggle.

You know we went on a second date? On our very first date not only did I hold the door open, but I was like look here’s all the reasons you shouldn’t like me. Now I tell him he deserves better than me (now I know this hurts his feelings-he told me finally).

Tonight I think about all the ways he saved me that he and I didn’t even know I needed, I am so thankful. The biggest gift he could have ever given me was love.

Love. Just love. That’s all, nothing more, just love. He has loved me enough to point out things that hurt him and others. He has loved me enough to tell me he’s proud of me, and when I’ve let him or the boys down. He loves me enough to take the risk of speaking up.

He loves me enough to sit in a therapist office with me. He loves me enough to be gentle. He loves me enough to be kind. He loves me enough to give me an opportunity.

He loves me enough to love my sons as his own. He loves me enough to keep us safe. He loves me enough to hold me. He loves me enough to cry with me. He loves me enough to celebrate with us our family milestones.

My hero is the man who came after all the chaos, all the trouble, all the hurt. He came in and wrapped his loving arms around me and made me feel safe. He gave me a roof and made me feel stable. He gave me a life and made me feel alive. He is the gift God promised me.

I feel terrible that he’s the calm after the storm, because I am the storm in his and their lives. I’ve come so far and he cannot see that it’s because of his love for me. I hate that I have said things I can never take back—I am sure I’m not the only one—, but I know my hero has never been deserving of loving a woman with such deep rooted problems. My hero deserves to love someone who is a real princess, who isn’t a damsel in distress just waiting on her hero in tights to come save her (although I wasn’t waiting and I definitely didn’t need him, remember “fiercely independent”).

My hero is on the unfortunate unlucky side of my recovery. He’s the one I yell at. He’s the one I want to leave (and the boys) so I don’t yell anymore, simply to protect them. My hero deserves that woman who can stand firm and not be shaken by the storm.

My hero is an amazing dad and his love for them makes me love him so much more. My sons already knew to how to love—I’m their mom so how could they not?—but they have been watching him love me. They’ve learned so much. My little guy has been watching I know for sure.

That little guy isn’t so little anymore, but he is his dad’s son. The Apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree with this one. My little guy has watched my hero early on love me in every single right way possible. Now our little guy is beating dad to those hugs and reassuring moments. I’m honored that my sons are turning out to be men like him.

My heroes love is the kind of love that only God can give someone to give to someone. I don’t think he realizes that. My hero is the physical love of God that I have always felt spiritually.

God promised me that he would take care of me and come through on His promise of a better life, and He did, and still is! Finally, I have not only God’s spiritual love, but His physical love for me.

I only wish I had met my hero 20 years ago. I wish my hero was my first and only. I wish I had never subconsciously made my hero the enemy. For me the worse thing is hurting people. My hero is just a human being trying his best and I know with good intentions, but when I am angry no body likes me.

My hero I am sorry that you are the person after the mess. All I can say is I have grown so much. It’s all because of you allowing me the safety, security, and stability I needed, we needed. You have held my hand, kissed my forehead, wiped my tears, and so much more.

My hero I am getting better, you said it yourself. Please give yourself the credit that is due to you. I may be doing the work. I may be living the pain. You though are right here walking it with me.

My hero thank you for loving not only me but our sons. You have shown them the love and understanding and patience that only a good dad can. You have shown them how to handle a woman who is “freaking out”. You have helped them grow in so many ways. This makes you a hero to me for a whole new reason.

My hero do you remember when we agreed to always tell each other how we were truly feeling, no matter how painful it is? Well guess what we’ve been living up to that promise, and proving that even though it isn’t easy, it really can make a big difference.

Thank you for being honest from a place of love and not a place of malice and ill intent. Thank you for not cutting me at my core and when you have, thank you for apologizing.

My hero the only truth you need to remember from me is that you are the thing I see in my future. You are the one thing I look forward to (besides grand-babies with you). My biggest fear is that I loose you or our boys forever. I know it feels like I push you guys away, but it’s not because I don’t want you 3, it’s because I’m don’t want to make days for you guys anymore.

My hero I want to apologize for you being my hero. I want to tell you how sorry I am you fell in love with me. I want to tell you so many things—again, but I promise to try to stop that, so I won’t say it. I know now that it hurts your feelings. I know it won’t be easy and I may fail at it, but your reminders of what is real in those moments make all the difference.

My hero please remember, I know it’s hard, but you have a book to remind you all the ways that I love you. You opened the flood gates and set me free. You have loved me in a way that has allowed me to grow. You were right when you told me all I needed was love.

Love is all you’ve ever given.