I used to let you love me. I used to embrace a new life, a new love, a new “normal”. I let you let me put my guards down. I let you let me be not so independent. I let you love me enough to let me become me.
It’s scary you know? Not knowing who I am yet. Trying to figure out what I like, don’t like, what I want and don’t want, what makes me happy and what makes me just ehh…at 35 isn’t easy. All I know I being a caregiver. I have been parenting people since I was very young. I helped with my brother and at 9 years old I was a caregiver for my grandfather. Now that my sons are working and they are almost adults, I’m finding it hard to know who I am and to be okay with my life.
From the time I sensed my now fiancé was going to propose I haven’t been handling life very well. Transitioning to the one thing I want the most in life hasn’t been easy at all, then you throw empty nest syndrome on top of it…watch out. Not only that I’m in menopause, so I haven’t handled life well since he proposed. There are too many changes and so many “what if’s”.
I’m not feeling very secure in myself right now with all these changes that I cannot control in my life happening. I’m literally being forced into retirement and there is nothing I can do about it. My sons are becoming adults and I am so proud of them, but it’s so hard to know that they are my last two to raise. They make me want to do it all over again. There is so many challenges that they brought me, but they have literally helped become who I am today and I am becoming. My love he is a great dad and when I see him in them or them in him, I love him so much more. So I not certain why I am struggling to let people love me right now.
It’s hard I’m scared I know that everyone I love will eventually hate me or leave me. That I am just not worth someone loving or being around forever. Then I remind myself of everything he has told me. My love has spoke so many “right” things in almost 4 years together. He has picked me up and put back pieces. Now I find myself needing to walk through “reality” to remind myself of every thing he has said or done to make me love him. All the times he has told me, “Until I tell you you’re a problem for me…” This is what I’ve been reminding myself lately (by lately a couple days) to go with his words when I’m feeling insecure in my place in his life , If he had a problem and wanted me to go he’d tell me. He’s not a man of many words. He only says what he means.” It has been helping me greatly these past couple days.
Reminding myself of the good things when bad things pop up and rewriting how I feel about situations is really helpful. I’m going to get back to the place where I let him love me like he wants to. I have to put these walls back down and just feel free again. Traveling through my past over the past few years hasn’t been easy on me, but especially my 3 loves. I’m so thankful for their love, even when I can’t seem to feel it or accept it. I’m not certain if I can ever express to them just how grateful I am for the way they love me.
In the words of Megan Trainor “I’m workin’ on, workin’ on it. Trying to see what you see when you look at me. I’m workin’ on, workin’ on it…” or something like that ❤️
My grief of what I don’t have and what I have walked away from has been so great this past year, but the truth is I have done those things to heal, and healing is what I’ve been working so hard at. So I’ll keep working at this and I’ll let myself be me finally. I’m going to keep working hard to be the best version of me. I’m also going to keep on working on being me without regards to what people think of me, that’s the biggest one for me.
It’s simply amazing to me what things we are “allowed” to protest in this country.
A group of heavily armed white men can storm the state house of Michigan, spit in the faces of police officers and threaten the lives of the lawmakers working there, and everyone else for that matter, in protest of a global health emergency, just because they want to not stay home. No one bats an eye though.
These heavily armed really angry white people get by with threatening and intimidating the lives of people and no one cared. Said it was their “second amendment right” to act like this. Did you see a SWAT team and riot gear? Did you see tear gas being thrown? Did you see people being pushed by law enforcers? Did you see anything you see now?
No, you didn’t.
We show up with Black Lives Matter or the last words of a man, “I can’t breathe”, and suddenly out comes the cops, dogs, police looking for a fight, riot gear, rubber bullets, tactical units, tear gas, white men toting their guns threatening to shoot people. Cops pushing old men down leaving them to bleed with a crack skull on the ground, and when protestors try to come to his aide, boom nightsticks across the chest.
If you can’t see how cops silencing you’re first amendment right to peacefully protest by showing up and shutting you up anyway possible whenever you try to exercise that right, unless you’re protesting the “right” thing you’re not allowed to.
In all the videos I’ve watched shot on cell phones live compared to mainstream media and some not mainstream media sources show you is appalling. You want the real footage go to tiktok, or reddit, or anywhere you can watch live video. You’ll see that all these protests start completely peaceful until there are snipers on the, SWAT in your face, and tear gas has been deployed.
Honestly I didn’t think at that point I could control my anger or myself either. I think I’d be like, “oh yeah! Silence me! Fuck you!” And I’d be making sure they heard me. I don’t like violence. I don’t like theft. But most of all I don’t like watching a man be murdered on live video, by an egotistical angry hate monster even more!
I thought I would be writing a victory blog tonight about how I didn’t weigh myself today.
Well I can’t do that now.
My anxiety about my weight won, obviously. It’s such a subconscious thing for me. I used to never consider owning a scale because of this problem of always watching the numbers.
I don’t think it helps me to know how many ounces I gained or lost in the last 24 hours. I think it only drives my eating disorders further.
Today I blew it by going into our master bath to use the bathroom in the middle of the day. That’s the bathroom with the scale. I stepped on it to see that I gained weight, then went about my day.
As I’m writing about my struggle with the scale I realize that almost every time I use our master bathroom I step on that scale. I’m not sure what it is my brain is doing here, but I know it’s time for it to learn a new behavior. A new way of thinking.
I’m sure this “need” to weigh myself frequently is stemming from the fact that I’ve gained weight since having my gastric bypass reversed in December. I know it is a much needed weight gain, consciously, but I don’t think the subconscious has gotten the message.
I’m sure the fact that I was bullied not only at school, but at home as well for my weight. The same people who would tell that my bullies were wrong, or that I was wrong when I called myself names were in fact calling me names too.
One can only take being called “fat” so many times. One can only take being told, “I know how you can loose 10 ugly pounds…cut your head off.” So many times. I guess those things no matter how much you work through them just are deep rooted and stay that way.
4 years of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and I’m still uncovering things I have to work on. Clearly this is another part of my subconscious that I have to correct. It isn’t easy.
Alot of the times, like just now, I have to talk through something to figure out where to begin the healing journey. While writing this blog I figured out one thing that probably is fueling my need to weigh myself.
I’m not certain where to begin. I’m positive I’ll figure it out though. I know not having access to a scale will cause me anxiety and panic, so removing it from the house is not an acceptable answer. Constantly obsessing about my changes in weight is not an acceptable answer either.
Now if I could just figure out the whole eating disorder recovery thing I’d be extremely happy!
Remember the struggle is real, but your “reality” may not be.