Tag Archives: CPTSD

“Date Night” for lunch

If there is one thing that being a boy mom has taught it’s being loved even when you feel like you don’t deserve it. Just loved more than you can ever imagine. For me being loved was & is still hard for me sometimes.

Sometimes I mess up big. As I’m sure you do too if you have kids, a partner, or are in any kind of relationship. I tell you what though if you love your kids correctly and build them up to what they want to be, they’ll love you in a way that helps all the bad melt away.

My little loves have completely changed my life. They have given me so much. They have shown me just by their successes that I am a success and not a failure or a loser that people once made me believe. To myself I am sorry I was ever weak enough to believe their words. I’m still growing though, I have weak moments and days.

My littlest love here has given me a strength I never knew existed. His brother gives me courage and bravery and the drive to conquer all things “scary”, this love makes me stay in touch with the soft sensitive side of me; he too is soft and sensitive. He reminds me that I am just as sensitive and sweet as he is, because he gets that from me. He and his brother get so many things from me. I always believed if I showed them how to act they would—I knew I couldn’t just tell them what to do, but show them.

My oldest little love is just as sweet, but he is strong—it takes a lot to move him. He is usually the rock when there is nothing but a tornado of emotion flowing through our home. He is well adjusted and cool, calm, and collected—everything I strive to be with emotions.

What’s so strange and different to me now is that both of my little loves are working and growing and starting their lives, and I’m not exactly sure where I fit in their lives anymore. I know I’ll always be the most important woman in their lives, but I am not the priority anymore. I just sit back and wait for that day that one of them need me—although they still rely on each other way more than they’ll ever rely on me.

This youngest little love of mine decided to do a “date night” in the middle of the day Monday. It was fun being on a “date” with him. I remember when I was treating them to Mother/Son dates individually, now the tables have turned.

As I sit across from him and watch him make his decision on what to eat, what to drink, and even order on his own—I am drifted away to a place I never imagined, a place where he is sitting across the table from a young lady treating her the same way as he was treating me—a meal and quality time. Listening intently, phone down, focus on mom and how she is really doing for just a moment in our life together—I see him with her, whoever she is, who will get the honor of taking priority in his life, not taking my place, just taking priority—as she should.

I am honored and blessed to have been mom and dad. I am blessed by the example my love has set for these boys. Most of all I’m blessed to have been the mom God called me to be. I fail so much and when I do I fear I am messing them up—they remind me now that they are young men and can handle this even if it is hard—that their wives and mother of their children will be just like this some day—they are okay—I was strong and gentle when they needed me to be and they don’t need me to be anymore—just real.

My oldest little love has treated me so many times and I realized that he was so grown. Now this little love taking me on “date nights” is—a feeling I cannot describe.

Mom of boys I cannot tell you enough to love your boys the same way you love your daughters. Tell them about respecting themselves and loving themselves and show them through how you live and love—they will follow your lead more than you know—one day they will honor you and your love by not only loving you—but the love they give her.

It’s grief not jealousy, let’s call it what it is…

12/20/2020

I never really had those “overprotective” parents that some have. I’ve had more of the, “whatever” type parents. When people were groping me or hurting me in my own home they just laughed, joked, and brushed it off. That’s not protection, that’s not love, that’s not parenting.

Having that type of parents makes it so easy to see how, “strict” your friends parents are, or unfair, or whatever it may be. It’s really easy to be like, “they’re jerks” when in reality they probably weren’t, unless they were.

It’s a terrible feeling to wake up one morning and realize that you are jealous of someone or a group of people because their parents actually care enough to be protective, to be aware, to be present; suddenly realizing that is pure love that drives their parents to be “overbearing” and “overprotective”. That even when they are not using the right words or they are using the wrong tone, that these parents genuinely care, even if they are making huge hurtful mistakes; these parents are at least teaching their child they love them enough to protect them. Mine on the other hand did not.

To think I’m jealous of people who would feel that their parents hurt them in some really bad ways emotionally and mentally. Even if they caused some self-esteem issues that someone needs to rebuild for them. Even if they have to go to counseling to get over it, I am not sure it will ever be to the same level as having your mother willingly give permission to strangers and her husband to touch me and do the things they did.

I’m not sure I’ll ever be done sitting on a couch. I’m not sure I’ll ever not feel jealous of people having families. I’m not sure I’ll ever not be triggered. I’m not certain there’ll ever be day when someone not only wants to “try” to love me the rest of their life, but actually can see themselves loving me the rest of my life. I’m not sure if anyone will ever be able to be that sure about me.

The damage has been done and now I’m jealous of things that seem so normal to most. I’m jealous that I’m not the one with 100 person guest list and I have less than 25 to invite. I’m jealous that people had crappy parents that just hurt their feelings and were a little “too controlling”. I’m jealous of it all.

But as a matter of fact it’s not fair to say “jealous”, it’s more fair to say, “I’m grieving what I didn’t and don’t have,” and grief is okay. It’s okay to grieve life. And grieve that shit through every stage. The last stage means victory from it. Freedom. New life. It’s not actual jealousy being felt, it’s grief of a loss of basic human needs; nurture and love.

“Spoiled”

When I was growing up I often heard, “Kelly you better be able to find a man who can afford you”, you know I never consider myself spoiled. So why did I hear this?

I’m not exactly certain besides the fact that I love “girly” things like dresses, necklaces, fine jewelry, handbags, shoes, and so many things that sparkle. I may like those things, but I always knew that I was not in a family that could afford those privileges, so it wasn’t something I expected, just loved.

Now I am in love with this man who spoils me with all things that make me smile, my sons the same thing, and his family too. I have never owned so many designer items or just good quality items as I do now. And not really because I ask for them, but because these people get me, or are trying to make me feel like the woman I should have been made to like a long time ago.

These pretty gifts that make me feel like the girly-girl I always want to feel like, these people are have no clue what they are building in me. They are helping me build that soft, gentle exterior that allows to me, from the inside out, to grow the hardened interior that was made, into a soft, gentle, vulnerable, yet strong woman.

Simple things like beautiful handbags, cashmere scarves, head warmers, dresses, gloves, necklaces, teapots…whatever it may be, they clearly get me more than me and they are helping me be who I am. Their gifts allow me to feel free being a girl.

I love feeling pretty and I love feeling comfortable and all these pretty things make me pretty and comfortable. I am always so humbled by these gifts. I feel undeserving; unworthy. Here’s to hoping next Christmas I don’t cry about getting gifts, this year was the least bothered by gifts I’ve ever been, so it can only get better.

12/26/2020

The Words I Needed You to Say

I don’t know if I can ever express how much I needed to hear those words.

A confirmation that you have seen my effort.

A confirmation that I am thriving.

A confirmation of your love for me.

You have no clue how much I needed to hear those words.

Eff…

Fuck it all!

That’s how I’m feeling today.

Fuck it all!

I have no filter.

Who the fuck cares?

I have no filter.

Fuck rape!

Fuck unwanted touch!

Fuck white men of power!

Fuck it all!

I’m so fucking over this country!

Fuck it all!

Legalize sex with children so it can’t be a crime.

What the fuck?

Seriously are you fucking kidding me?

Why are we even entertaining this?

Fuck it all!

A president…

Fuck him!

Fuck it all!

The Swear Word

That word.

That one five letter word.

A word meant to identify,

Now a swear word.

An unfortunate series of events to make it that way.

That five letter word is a beautiful word.

A five letter word passed down.

That five letter not a swear wird to you.

They made it that way to me though.

That five letter word.

Kelly

Day One

I have to start somewhere. Why not day 1?

First time I am taking medication for anxiety. First time it’s during the day. I hope this isn’t a placebo effect. I haven’t woke up feeling this well in a long time.

I diffused two situations with my boys this morning all before 9 am. And guess what I didn’t raise my voice. I used a technique that I was taught in therapy to use little words. I actually did it.

I kept it together twice. The second time more tense than the first, but I did it. I shut down the behavior, diffused the situation, and kept my cool.

I really hope this isn’ a temporary thing. I haven’t felt this relaxed in a very long time.

Not Only

Last night I actually slept.

Not only did I sleep I dreamt.

No only did I dream I remembered my dream.

Not only did I remember my dream, I awoke with a smile.

Whoever said, “sleep is overrated”, has never walked a day in my shoes.

Sleep is not “overrated” it’s a beautiful wonderful thing, when it doesn’t torture you.

Sleep

I think if I could actually just sleep I’d be a lot better. You know if I could just close my eyes and not be tormented for once in my life?

I can’t tell you what it is that has me awaken feeling like I need to run. I need to go far away. I’m not sure why I awaken with this feeling of panic, fear, and anxiety.

I said it this morning. It just rolled off my tongue with tears in my eyes (of course), “My subconscious knows that my conscious self is so my subconscious is attacking me the only way it can.”

It’s so true I see it now, clearly why it came pouring out of my mouth like it did, no thought behind it, just came out. And in that moment not only did I feel like, “Hey I really am in control here”, and like I could and should celebrate the fact that I have come so far that I cannot be attacked while awake anymore.

Sure there is the occasional PTSD trigger for me, but for the most part I am in control of my conscious self now. That was the goal of therapy. When I am upset and nervous about being upset I try so hard to consciously fight everything going on inside my head and body.

The shaking, the tightening chest muscles, the overwhelming amount of sweat pouring from my body, feeling like my face is on fire…I fight through it, consciously inside saying, “hey you’re okay, you can be upset, it’s okay”, but everything in my head is spinning out of control and I can’t fight my subconscious, but in a panic attack with Autism and ADHD my head is spinning so fast that I try to navigate it all.

I haven’t had a lot exposure to people or stressful situations that weren’t hurtful and hurting me. So I’ve only learned how navigate this all at a young age and as an adult it’s hard. I try. I fail.

If I could sleep maybe I’d have some more strength. If I could sleep maybe I’d me be again. A peaceful restful sleep is all I need.

You Learn

What do you do when there is something about you won’t be able to change? Like having a mental/behavioral health problem that is just part of you?

You learn to be “okay” with “not being okay”.

You learn to listen to their words and only their words even if you cannot process them while they’re saying them.

You learn to process them when your head is silent.

You learn to say there is just too much.

You learn that they love you.

You learn to trust.

You learn everything you can.

You learn to fail.

You learn to pick yourself back up.

And even when you believe you’re not good enough, that your not loveable, you’re not worth it, you allow their words to come through at the end of the day and start again tomorrow.

You learn to be okay with being you.

You learn to be patient with yourself.

You learn to be patient when they’re not patient with you.

You learn that you’ll never be perfect.

You learn you’re loved anyway.

You learn to leave the room, escape to the dark, and breathe.

You learn to breathe.

You learn when you can come back to the situation.

You learn that even though you would love for someone to wrap their arms around you, they shouldn’t just yet.

You learn to be okay with that.

You allow yourself to be okay with good touch when your panicking.

You learn that those touching you only have your best interest at heart.

You learn that even though you may freak the fuck out when they come close to you or touch you, to take a breath and look at them.

You learn that seeing their face can change “who you’re seeing”.

You learn to come back to reality when you see their loving faces.

You learn to let them know to ask before touching when you’re upset.

You learn to feel loved when sad.

You learn to feel loved when mad.

You learn to feel loved when joyous.

You learn to allow yourself to feel loved in all parts of your life.

You learn that you are stronger than you’ve ever imagined.

You learn that you will feel weaker than you’ve ever imagined.

You learn to lose control.

You learn to be in control.

You learn try to change only what you can.

You learn to embrace every day with hopeful anticipation.

You learn love harder.

You learn that some may never see your progress.

You learn that even if they do they’ll forget sometimes.

You learn that you are difficult to love.

You learn that all people are.

You learn that you’re stopping yourself from feeling love.

You learn that it’s because love has always hurt.

You learn that you must learn to be okay with being loved.

You learn to learn how to be loved.

I write this list because I learn daily. I am only able to write this list because all these things were taught to me in therapy or by my doctor. I write them for you to learn too.

“Kelly leave the room she said” I do now. I lay in my dark black room, on my cold foam bed, under my weighted blanket curled up tight, and cry and breathe. I patiently await the moment I can rejoin my family and sometimes I cannot.

I desire that hug, that warm loving embrace. I learned sometimes it’s not the best thing to do right away.

I learn to fight the feeling of aloneness in those moments, because I know it’s me choosing to remove myself from the situation so it doesn’t escalate. I have learned that if I am touched or talked to too soon it’s a problem.

I learn every single day.

Unlike most I analyze my “episodes” afterward. I pick myself and my behavior apart, just like I’ve been doing my whole life. When you’re not only parenting your parents, but yourself you don’t always learn how to cope and properly handle stress…no one ever taught you but who? You!

So I analyze. I research different strategies and inspiration quotes and messages. I listen to podcasts. I read blogs. I try to figure out how to help myself and what is going on in my body. I am 35 no mom, no dad, and I don’t say that for sympathy, this is a conscious decision on my part and I am getting so much better now and quicker. I am able to better parent my “unruly inner child”, even though I’m parenting her while I’m messing up. So yeah just like anyone being disciplined she doesn’t like it.

It’s a terrible thing for people who don’t really know you, never taken the time to really get to know you to think that you are unwilling to learn. When I am the first person to see my flaws, point them out, ask for help, and try to fix it.

I mean on my first date with my fiancé I told him every reason not to pursue me. I didn’t know about some mental health things that would later come out as a result of my traumas, but when they did come up I was the first to ask questions and to try and find answer.

The reason I’m not on my therapist couch anymore isn’t because I don’t have anything left to learn, it’s that he has taught me everything he could teach me in his office to get through life. He taught me how to cope. He taught me how to be okay when the feel like my loves don’t love me or don’t want me. He and my doctor taught me that no matter how much my loves want to not take it personally they’ll never be able not too, and I’ll never be able to not hurt because I hurt them. I learned from them and now my 16 year old 3 days that they don’t hurt the way I think they do. That they hurt because they love me and they want me to be free from this too.

My therapist taught me that when I mess up that my core belief of grace, that I myself am worthy of grace. That if I believe that God’s love is grace and mercy and patience, and I believe that everyone should love everyone with the bare minimum of grace, then I too am worthy of graceful type love.

The challenge is on me to believe all that I have been taught. I have already learned and I continue to do so, because only a fool refuses to learn.

The only thing I need to learn is to believe what I’ve been taught…