The New Year started with me being woke up to sound of his voice in my head telling me to kill myself and how to do it if my life was really that bad. As I remind myself that it’s just his voice and he can’t actually hurt me anymore, I feel for a moment like I can just brush it off and it’ll be no problem.
Then I get all anxious and worked up driving my little love to work on these icy, icy roads…sure enough I start the year off with a meltdown. Tears no yelling this time. I wish people knew how debilitating the damage that has been caused truly is.
They see me smile. They see me bake. They see me do a craft project. What they don’t see is how long it takes me to do that 20 minute craft. What they don’t see is that I’m sitting on a stool with my feet up, just to make those cupcakes. What they don’t see is all the pain, fear, and insecurity behind that smile. What they don’t see is this is my therapy.
That these things are actually ordered as a part of my therapy to teach me how to be free and keep me from going into “meltdowns” or “breakdowns” or “freak outs” (I swear I’m probably on a public freak outs forum somewhere). What they don’t see is the inability to successfully complete or focus on any-one-thing and then feel like a flighty failure.
So in 2021 I’m determined to continue healing. Im determined to become ok with failure. I’m determined to become okay with not being able to do like others do. I’m determined to be a better version of me.
2021 started for me the same way most other days start; paranoid and anxious, wishing my sleep didn’t haunt me. I made it the rest of the day though…progress.
I hope to continue to share my story. I look back over the growth of my writing I’m the last year and I can see my own personal growth. Thank you for taking this journey with me. I hope to be a light, a hope, an inspiration to those around me. Please don’t read my stories and feel sorry for me. Instead read my stories, heal yourself or someone else, but most of all learn to find your strength like I am.
Happy 2021 everyone, it can only be a better year. Love, light, and laughter to you all.