Sitting here with my fiancé showing him how to use Instagram on my phone so that he can see the things that are posted by his favorite blogger and Teslas (of course), I keep hearing a voice in my head, not my own, telling me, “You can’t like that, that’s boy stuff”. I push through. Trying hard not to let it show that I am fighting an internal silent battle.
I introduce him to the wonderful word of Pinterest, specifically to look at Tesla’s. I find myself being the one lost in the cars. I keep trying to silence it. That internal voice that isn’t mine saying, “You can’t like this because cars are for boys”. That voice that keep fighting me when I spend any amount of time around cars or trucks.
I can’t tell you much about them, but I love when my love teaches me things about them. I’ve worked on them with someone walking me through the process, and I have thoroughly enjoyed it. I haven’t had much exposure, but when I do get exposure I find myself getting lost in it. I could see it easily becoming an obsession for me.
So today when I am excitedly introducing my love to things about things that I love, that I know he’ll love too, I heard that voice. I heard it and I worked hard not to let it take over. It was a rough thing to do. It caused anxiety. It caused me to feel bad. When I found myself lost in Teslas on Pinterest, I couldn’t help but to worry.
I worried that he would judge me because I like cars. I worried that he would think I am not “girly” enough. I worried that he would think that I am “trying too hard” to like what he likes. So much worry. Even though I realize that he is not the one saying any of this. Even though I realize that he loves the fact that I get excited by car and truck shows. I know that he loves I am not afraid to get dirty, even though he hasn’t let me yet. I know all these truths about him.
I know that even though I feel like we have nothing in common, but in reality there is one thing we have more in common than he realizes, and I cannot for the life of me bring me to allowing me to enjoy this. I just cannot seem to let loose and just enjoy the fact that cars make me happy.
Literally, right now, at this very moment 11:40 a.m. my youngest son comes over and shows me a video of gas powered RC cars, and I said, “We should all have our own RC cars and race them”. We all agreed that, that would be fun. I found my self saying, “You know what I wasn’t allowed to because…you know what read my blog later and it’ll make sense to you”.
You see that is the thing that always trips me up, “I like this. No wait I don’t like this. I am not supposed to like this. he won’t like you if you like boy things. He wants a lady not a man. Only a gay man wants a girl who likes boy things”.
I used to let it win. Now I am exhausted more because I am consciously fighting it. I am trying to squash every bad thought and feeling right away. Using a technique I learned in counseling called, “Reality Therapy”.
Reality Therapy is really self explanatory; you walk through reality to over come thinking that is in response to whatever trigger you have just encountered (my explanation according to how I use it). So sitting here so excited that I can finally bring my love into my world because I know that part of my world he will really enjoy, although I subscribe to high-end luxury car Instagram accounts, I don’t really “follow” any. I can’t tell you what’s new or any of the specs. I have a feeling though if I overcame this and let myself be “lost” in this, with ability to hyper focus, thank you Autism/ADHD for that, I could probably talk your ear off, literally, about luxury cars.
Cheap cars don’t do it for me! I like fast! A Lambo would be nice. Actually make that a Demon series Challenger! My dream car is an 08-13 (anywhere in there) Dodge Challenger. I would paint mine mint or sea-foam green. It would have pastel pink racing stripes. It would have a Hemi engine and instead of RT (yes I would change it), it would have MD—#dreams, right?!
Anyway, I will never understand who determined or why they did, what was “boy” and “girl” stuff. Maybe if stuff was just stuff and people were allowed to enjoy what makes them happy, there wouldn’t be so many questioning who they are. Maybe we should just let the little girl play with that toy car, maybe she’ll be the female Elon Musk one day. Let the little boy play with a baby doll, maybe he’ll be married to that female Elon Musk some day and he’ll be at home raising the babies.
You just never know how your child’s life will go. You shouldn’t dictate it according to the way you think things should be. Just let them become who they are meant to become. Allow them, encourage them, give them the tools necessary, don’t hold them back. Whatever it takes to help them along their own individual journey.