I am not certain and at 35 I am not certain how to figure that out. It’s hard to figure that out. It’s so easy for people to look at me and think I should have it all figured out because I’m an adult, but the thing is I was forced to be an adult before I ever should’ve had to have been one. I had no childhood. My soul purpose was to survive not thrive, I know now there is a huge difference between surviving and thriving.
So while my needing to explore who I am and what it is I want for me and my life may look like instability it’s not, it’s exactly what most now adults looked like as teenagers, only it was “acceptable” then, because that what you do as a teen figure out who you are and what you want in life. You do this so at 35 you’re taken seriously not looked at as a fool who is unpredictable and unstable in life.
Here I am though at 35 trying to figure it all out. I’m trying to figure out what I do to make my life whole and trying to figure out how not to sacrifice anything or anyone I love. I’m not taken too seriously though because I’m bouncing ideas around as I’m trying to figure it out. I’m trying to figure out exactly what I was told to do, “What happens when Kelly is no longer “mom” to someone? Who is she? What is she going to do with the rest of her life? Who is she?”, now that I’m trying to make a plan and try something different and figure out who I am, I’m looked at as I’m not serious, but I am.
I am 100% serious about wanting to leave Indiana and I’m 100% serious that I don’t know exactly where yet. I know that several places seem nice and they all have their pros and cons. The biggest con for any transition in my life is my loves. You know the thing that makes figuring me out is it’s not just me. I love my love and I love us and I don’t want a move to another state to be the end of us.
I know there isn’t anything really here for me and I’d like to explore some options in other places. I want to figure out who it I want to be for the rest of my life. I cannot just sit around doing nothing while everyone lives their lives and gets to be whoever it is they choose to be. I was conditioned to only care for people, especially my mom and step-father. Now that I’ve cut them out of my life completely, I know that I have every opportunity to be the best me possible simply because of the way I’ve been loved over the last almost 4 years.
I promise I’m not unstable or irrational, I’m perfectly rational, I’m trying to find me, something I should have been allowed to do 20 years ago. I’m sure I’ll figure it out. I know I will if I can get over the guilt and feelings of selfishness for trying to figure me out.