Tag Archives: Bipolar Type 2

“Spoiled”

When I was growing up I often heard, “Kelly you better be able to find a man who can afford you”, you know I never consider myself spoiled. So why did I hear this?

I’m not exactly certain besides the fact that I love “girly” things like dresses, necklaces, fine jewelry, handbags, shoes, and so many things that sparkle. I may like those things, but I always knew that I was not in a family that could afford those privileges, so it wasn’t something I expected, just loved.

Now I am in love with this man who spoils me with all things that make me smile, my sons the same thing, and his family too. I have never owned so many designer items or just good quality items as I do now. And not really because I ask for them, but because these people get me, or are trying to make me feel like the woman I should have been made to like a long time ago.

These pretty gifts that make me feel like the girly-girl I always want to feel like, these people are have no clue what they are building in me. They are helping me build that soft, gentle exterior that allows to me, from the inside out, to grow the hardened interior that was made, into a soft, gentle, vulnerable, yet strong woman.

Simple things like beautiful handbags, cashmere scarves, head warmers, dresses, gloves, necklaces, teapots…whatever it may be, they clearly get me more than me and they are helping me be who I am. Their gifts allow me to feel free being a girl.

I love feeling pretty and I love feeling comfortable and all these pretty things make me pretty and comfortable. I am always so humbled by these gifts. I feel undeserving; unworthy. Here’s to hoping next Christmas I don’t cry about getting gifts, this year was the least bothered by gifts I’ve ever been, so it can only get better.

12/26/2020

1 year post gastric bypass reversal

One year ago yesterday I had my gastric bypass reversed. 1 year ago today I was already beginning to feel better. I’ve gained soooooo much “healthy” weight since then. I used to let that number on the scale bother me…my doctors now look at me and think I’ve lost weight. They say I am healthy “heat is clear and fat free”…yet I’ve gained 70 pounds.

I have muscle and fat in places I’ve never had it before. My weight in my abdomen has redistributed and now I seriously just need to get serious about this crunch challenge, and tone up the abdomen.

I love the new school of doctors who are like, “Your health is not defined by a number on the scale. Keep up the good work.” My Bari doctor told me I’d gain my weight back and be, “begging him to redo my bypass”, I told him, “I believe I can do it, my doctors, my counselor, and my family think I can do it, so I don’t care what you think.” Sure I gained the 70 pounds I lost since December 2016 to December 2019, but I am happy with it cause I am “healthy” in all the ways I wasn’t before my gastric bypass, partly because of my environmental changes, but mainly because of my effort and hard work now.

It’s mental effort now. I have learned myself through CBT how to control these things and what causes me to have my eating disorders. I also have support at home, they help encourage treats and abstaining. I will even pointed out to me when I’m binge eating, I don’t like it but it sometimes helps get me back on track.

I love that I was told “everyone goes through seasons in life, and your weight changes with those seasons,” those words helped do much in this healing process. The team of doctors and the brain I now have is…a freeing feeling.

The Words I Needed You to Say

I don’t know if I can ever express how much I needed to hear those words.

A confirmation that you have seen my effort.

A confirmation that I am thriving.

A confirmation of your love for me.

You have no clue how much I needed to hear those words.

Be honest

Always be honest with yourself and your healthcare team. Seriously they only have your best interest at heart.

I wish I would have been honest sooner. I wish would’ve believed that they wouldn’t hurt me like others had. That my struggles are not who I am. I’m sorry I ever believed they’d think badly of me.

Today my PCP confirmed my Bipolar Type II diagnosis and we increased my Trileptal to the next dosage, I’m pretty excited to see how much more stability I get over the next couple months.

I’m glad I finally spoke up and said, “this is destroying my life please help me”, it has lead to a great treatment and a proper diagnosis. Now I get to have more targeted therapy. Do some behavior modification exercises and hopefully get really good control of my emotions, and hopefully learn to live and enjoy life again.