Tag Archives: anxiety

Serving…

I find that I am happiest and at my truest peace when I am serving others in any capacity. Even the smallest of gestures that make someone smiles really just fills me with joy. I guess when you give with a joyful heart your cup flows over with joy.

I’m working so hard to meet the needs of the most vulnerable communities, especially the homeless and at risk communities. I have been working so hard over the last two years reading laws and collecting items and trying to figure out what is the best way to go about this whole charity. It’s been countless hours and sometimes, like now, exhausting.

The only thing that keeps me from my goals with Freely Love Outreach is my inability to be confident in me. I guess my doubt for this is a like doubting God since I know he called me to do this, I should just trust that he’ll provide it all.

I’ve officially started fundraising something I haven’t done in the two years I’ve been collecting and distributing items of need to the homeless and those in need. I am opening a bank account for the charity and so many wonderful things are starting to happen.

I have a short term goal of purchasing some kind of vehicle/trailer in order to become a “mobile pantry”. I am reading so many bad things about the places I’ve been serving that I’m torn between giving them the items or just handing them out myself. I want to take the mission mobile. Meet people where they are.

I imagine eventually having Tesla Semi Trucks, but in the short term it would be awesome to purchase a Tesla Cyber truck with the cook/prep tops. That way I could haul the pantry and offer at hot meal. That’s not cheap. I’m a single stay-at-home-mom I cannot do this without the support of the community.

Please check out the small gallery of what we’ve been doing on the Freely Love Outreach page. Also head on over to Facebook and join the fundraising group; Freely Love Outreach Fundraising Group, and help us make life a little brighter for someone else.

Freely Love Outreach

Since I was 7 I knew I was called to open a homeless rehabilitation and prevention center. I’m so glad to be working toward making that calling a reality.

Freely Love Outreach is serving society’s most vulnerable populations; the homeless, LGBT, poor, orphans. We believe love is the universal language and that it is to be freely given to every person unconditionally, without regard to gender, gender identity, nationality, race, religion, or sexual orientation or preference. We believe that inclusivity is just the way Jesus loved, and we thrive to be the hands and feet of Jesus to societies most vulnerable and marginalized communities.

This is the fundraising group for Freely Love Outreach. 100% of the proceeds of anything sold in this group go to the mission and vision we have.

Our vision is to eliminate homelessness in the Chicagoland and NWI area, making hotel like rehabilitation and prevention centers. Each suite will be reminiscent of a hotel suite. They will have a private bathroom and kitchenette. There will be a communal main kitchen to provide hot meals. There will also be a food/clothing “store”, access to mental/physical health care, job training and coaching, childcare, and a safe place to transition into self sufficiency and living inside (which is sometimes the hardest part of the transition from homeless to self sufficient).

Right now while we are working on achieving our vision debt free through community support, we are still continuing what we have been doing for the last two years; collecting and distributing items of great need for the communities we serve. These items include but definitely not limited to:

Non-perishable food items

Personal care items

Feminine care items

Canister snacks

Jerky

Socks

Hand sanitizer

Toilet paper

Nylon drawstring bags

Condoms

Diapers (infant-adult)

Clothing

Winter Warmth items

Travel products

Hotel toiletries

Travel Toothbrushes

Toothpaste

and so much more

We make blessing bags out of the donated items that are bag friendly, and we then distribute them by walking the streets and meeting the people where they are at. The items that are collected that are more appropriate for the missions we donate them to them. The biggest mission we support is Pacific Garden Mission in Chicago Illinois. They service up to 300 women and children nightly, and more men than that on a daily basis.

This group is a way for us to raise money to achieve our vision. The first purchase we would like to make is for a trailer of some sort to collect, distribute, and organize the items donated. This will allow us to be a “mobile pantry” so that we can allow people to make their own Blessing Bag according to their individual needs at that moment.

After that we would like to purchase something to where we could provide hot meals, showers, laundry, and be able to move around from community to community providing much needed items and love.

Doing this takes fundraising and your help. In order to end and prevent homelessness and poverty for all is a team effort. Join our fundraising group to participate in the fundraisers to help us meet our goals.

Right now we have multiple raffles going on. A $50 Aldi gift card for $5 an entry, a grow the group gift card giveaway, ColorStreet nails raffle and give away, and we’re just getting started raising money for these goals, the last two years we have been just collecting and distributing items of need.

Please join me in my efforts to grow my mission Freely Outreach Fundraising Group

My Hero

Tonight I sit here at 11:30 pm writing this, with everyone in bed and Hulu streaming Family Guy, just for background noise.

As I sit here I am thinking about my hero. My hero is my hero for so many reasons. I know he doesn’t always feel like the hero, but he is. Nothing will ever change that.

I used to believe that I was a mess and he had to save me. I beat myself up for that. I felt like he made a mistake. I felt that. I felt like I was the worse thing he could have ever done in his life. There are still times when I’m upset that I feel this.

Now I know that he never saw me as the girl who needed saving, that one of the things he liked about me was my, “fierce independence.” He has recently told me

The man who came and rescued me without me knowing I needed any rescuing, is the . Around him I am free to be me. I never wanted to impress him, I just wanted him to love me for me. So from date number one I warned him.

I told him that the worse thing about me, something that I cannot stand about me, that I absolutely hate and wish it would go away was my yelling. I also told him that I’m in counseling and working on it.

I wanted him to know right away that I had PTSD and struggled. I wanted him to understand that I do not always have it all together. So I layed it all out on the line first date. No hidden agendas, no plans for this date to lead anywhere, no plans for love, no plans for anything. I just needed to be honest about my biggest struggle.

You know we went on a second date? On our very first date not only did I hold the door open, but I was like look here’s all the reasons you shouldn’t like me. Now I tell him he deserves better than me (now I know this hurts his feelings-he told me finally).

Tonight I think about all the ways he saved me that he and I didn’t even know I needed, I am so thankful. The biggest gift he could have ever given me was love.

Love. Just love. That’s all, nothing more, just love. He has loved me enough to point out things that hurt him and others. He has loved me enough to tell me he’s proud of me, and when I’ve let him or the boys down. He loves me enough to take the risk of speaking up.

He loves me enough to sit in a therapist office with me. He loves me enough to be gentle. He loves me enough to be kind. He loves me enough to give me an opportunity.

He loves me enough to love my sons as his own. He loves me enough to keep us safe. He loves me enough to hold me. He loves me enough to cry with me. He loves me enough to celebrate with us our family milestones.

My hero is the man who came after all the chaos, all the trouble, all the hurt. He came in and wrapped his loving arms around me and made me feel safe. He gave me a roof and made me feel stable. He gave me a life and made me feel alive. He is the gift God promised me.

I feel terrible that he’s the calm after the storm, because I am the storm in his and their lives. I’ve come so far and he cannot see that it’s because of his love for me. I hate that I have said things I can never take back—I am sure I’m not the only one—, but I know my hero has never been deserving of loving a woman with such deep rooted problems. My hero deserves to love someone who is a real princess, who isn’t a damsel in distress just waiting on her hero in tights to come save her (although I wasn’t waiting and I definitely didn’t need him, remember “fiercely independent”).

My hero is on the unfortunate unlucky side of my recovery. He’s the one I yell at. He’s the one I want to leave (and the boys) so I don’t yell anymore, simply to protect them. My hero deserves that woman who can stand firm and not be shaken by the storm.

My hero is an amazing dad and his love for them makes me love him so much more. My sons already knew to how to love—I’m their mom so how could they not?—but they have been watching him love me. They’ve learned so much. My little guy has been watching I know for sure.

That little guy isn’t so little anymore, but he is his dad’s son. The Apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree with this one. My little guy has watched my hero early on love me in every single right way possible. Now our little guy is beating dad to those hugs and reassuring moments. I’m honored that my sons are turning out to be men like him.

My heroes love is the kind of love that only God can give someone to give to someone. I don’t think he realizes that. My hero is the physical love of God that I have always felt spiritually.

God promised me that he would take care of me and come through on His promise of a better life, and He did, and still is! Finally, I have not only God’s spiritual love, but His physical love for me.

I only wish I had met my hero 20 years ago. I wish my hero was my first and only. I wish I had never subconsciously made my hero the enemy. For me the worse thing is hurting people. My hero is just a human being trying his best and I know with good intentions, but when I am angry no body likes me.

My hero I am sorry that you are the person after the mess. All I can say is I have grown so much. It’s all because of you allowing me the safety, security, and stability I needed, we needed. You have held my hand, kissed my forehead, wiped my tears, and so much more.

My hero I am getting better, you said it yourself. Please give yourself the credit that is due to you. I may be doing the work. I may be living the pain. You though are right here walking it with me.

My hero thank you for loving not only me but our sons. You have shown them the love and understanding and patience that only a good dad can. You have shown them how to handle a woman who is “freaking out”. You have helped them grow in so many ways. This makes you a hero to me for a whole new reason.

My hero do you remember when we agreed to always tell each other how we were truly feeling, no matter how painful it is? Well guess what we’ve been living up to that promise, and proving that even though it isn’t easy, it really can make a big difference.

Thank you for being honest from a place of love and not a place of malice and ill intent. Thank you for not cutting me at my core and when you have, thank you for apologizing.

My hero the only truth you need to remember from me is that you are the thing I see in my future. You are the one thing I look forward to (besides grand-babies with you). My biggest fear is that I loose you or our boys forever. I know it feels like I push you guys away, but it’s not because I don’t want you 3, it’s because I’m don’t want to make days for you guys anymore.

My hero I want to apologize for you being my hero. I want to tell you how sorry I am you fell in love with me. I want to tell you so many things—again, but I promise to try to stop that, so I won’t say it. I know now that it hurts your feelings. I know it won’t be easy and I may fail at it, but your reminders of what is real in those moments make all the difference.

My hero please remember, I know it’s hard, but you have a book to remind you all the ways that I love you. You opened the flood gates and set me free. You have loved me in a way that has allowed me to grow. You were right when you told me all I needed was love.

Love is all you’ve ever given.

I’m done talking

Everytime I find something new about myself I feel more like everyone should just stay away from me. Like I shouldn’t speak because I am the most toxic person in their life in my opinion.

When I speak it gets me in trouble. I speak only the truth. Never intentionally hurting someone else’s feelings. But I always seem to trigger bad response. Then I can feel their energy and it makes me worse.

The more and more I find out I figure I should just not speak. And I feel like that is the solution.

But then just like that as if to say, “Nope I gave you that big mouth for a reason,” God oops someone in my life that says, “hey I like what you say”.

Thanks God! I’ll keep speaking the truth. But God could you teach me to be gentle again when doing so? C’mon homeboy? You can do that right?

You Didn’ Know

No one but her knew.

She should have known.

Why would you know?

You didn’t know.

The shame.

The guilt.

The pain.

The one who knew didn’t seem to care?

Would you have cared?

What would you have done?

Would you have saved me?

I was told, “What happens in these four walls, stays in these four walls”.

An abusers silencing line.

“Please?”

“I love you.”

“Be a good girl.”

“Rub my back.”

“Pop this.”

A “nap” he called it.

“We all have to live here.”

“Stop causing trouble.”

“Drama queen!”

“Stop your crying.”

“Man up!”

“You fat bitch!”

“…lose 10 ugly pounds…”

“…just cut your head off.”

“Lazy!”

“Crazy!”

“Dumb blonde.”

“Bipolar!”

Mock me.

Laugh at me.

Groom me.

Trust you.

Use me.

Abuse!

Screams.

Tears.

No one hears a thing.

Hunger.

Fear.

Exhaustion!

Lonely.

Forgotten.

Abandoned.

You didn’t know.

24 hours…

No filters, just 24 hrs alone with the love of my life, our Tesla, and nature.

Feeling refreshed…almost.

Don’t like that…

Sitting here with my fiancé showing him how to use Instagram on my phone so that he can see the things that are posted by his favorite blogger and Teslas (of course), I keep hearing a voice in my head, not my own, telling me, “You can’t like that, that’s boy stuff”. I push through. Trying hard not to let it show that I am fighting an internal silent battle.

I introduce him to the wonderful word of Pinterest, specifically to look at Tesla’s. I find myself being the one lost in the cars. I keep trying to silence it. That internal voice that isn’t mine saying, “You can’t like this because cars are for boys”. That voice that keep fighting me when I spend any amount of time around cars or trucks.

I can’t tell you much about them, but I love when my love teaches me things about them. I’ve worked on them with someone walking me through the process, and I have thoroughly enjoyed it. I haven’t had much exposure, but when I do get exposure I find myself getting lost in it. I could see it easily becoming an obsession for me.

So today when I am excitedly introducing my love to things about things that I love, that I know he’ll love too, I heard that voice. I heard it and I worked hard not to let it take over. It was a rough thing to do. It caused anxiety. It caused me to feel bad. When I found myself lost in Teslas on Pinterest, I couldn’t help but to worry.

I worried that he would judge me because I like cars. I worried that he would think I am not “girly” enough. I worried that he would think that I am “trying too hard” to like what he likes. So much worry. Even though I realize that he is not the one saying any of this. Even though I realize that he loves the fact that I get excited by car and truck shows. I know that he loves I am not afraid to get dirty, even though he hasn’t let me yet. I know all these truths about him.

I know that even though I feel like we have nothing in common, but in reality there is one thing we have more in common than he realizes, and I cannot for the life of me bring me to allowing me to enjoy this. I just cannot seem to let loose and just enjoy the fact that cars make me happy.

Literally, right now, at this very moment 11:40 a.m. my youngest son comes over and shows me a video of gas powered RC cars, and I said, “We should all have our own RC cars and race them”. We all agreed that, that would be fun. I found my self saying, “You know what I wasn’t allowed to because…you know what read my blog later and it’ll make sense to you”.

You see that is the thing that always trips me up, “I like this. No wait I don’t like this. I am not supposed to like this. he won’t like you if you like boy things. He wants a lady not a man. Only a gay man wants a girl who likes boy things”.

I used to let it win. Now I am exhausted more because I am consciously fighting it. I am trying to squash every bad thought and feeling right away. Using a technique I learned in counseling called, “Reality Therapy”.

Reality Therapy is really self explanatory; you walk through reality to over come thinking that is in response to whatever trigger you have just encountered (my explanation according to how I use it). So sitting here so excited that I can finally bring my love into my world because I know that part of my world he will really enjoy, although I subscribe to high-end luxury car Instagram accounts, I don’t really “follow” any. I can’t tell you what’s new or any of the specs. I have a feeling though if I overcame this and let myself be “lost” in this, with ability to hyper focus, thank you Autism/ADHD for that, I could probably talk your ear off, literally, about luxury cars.

Cheap cars don’t do it for me! I like fast! A Lambo would be nice. Actually make that a Demon series Challenger! My dream car is an 08-13 (anywhere in there) Dodge Challenger. I would paint mine mint or sea-foam green. It would have pastel pink racing stripes. It would have a Hemi engine and instead of RT (yes I would change it), it would have MD—#dreams, right?!

Anyway, I will never understand who determined or why they did, what was “boy” and “girl” stuff. Maybe if stuff was just stuff and people were allowed to enjoy what makes them happy, there wouldn’t be so many questioning who they are. Maybe we should just let the little girl play with that toy car, maybe she’ll be the female Elon Musk one day. Let the little boy play with a baby doll, maybe he’ll be married to that female Elon Musk some day and he’ll be at home raising the babies.

You just never know how your child’s life will go. You shouldn’t dictate it according to the way you think things should be. Just let them become who they are meant to become. Allow them, encourage them, give them the tools necessary, don’t hold them back. Whatever it takes to help them along their own individual journey.

My opinion…yes it’s war.

I was asked this evening if I “thought the civil war had started?” I responded with, “Honestly”… “I think it has.”

For the last 3 years I have been telling my love that our president would get his war. That it would be a war like we’ve never seen before. That it will be a civil uprising. That people will get mad when you start taking things away from them. That this war will be worldwide and it will definitely be like no other war this country or world has ever seen before. “Trump will get his war”, I said.

You know he doubted me…

Now I don’t think he does.

This stuff is crazy and scary and weird. People are scared and rightfully so. People are scared to be outside of their homes after 3 pm. Some people live in those streets and have no choice. Where do they go? Are you bringing them in your home to offer refuge, safety, shower, and a warm meal through all this? Are you trying to help someone other than you in all this?

Im pretty sick of all the, “All live matter” stuff. Years ago I’d say the same thing too, but I met my love and he enlightened me. We discussed it and why I felt what I did and why he felt what he did. I decided that most moral stance on this subject matter is, Black Lives Matter. Congratulations peaceful Black Lives Matter activists for working diligently to enlighten those of us who have been taught that this stuff doesn’t exist anymore. To enlighten those of us who didn’t have access to the world around us.

Thank you everyone who spoke up years ago and kept fighting because now I understand that moms were fearing their babies walking outside to play. I mean I always wondered why people treated people with other skin colors badly, because we all are created equally. But, I had really hoped we were all being treated the same in this country, but I was young, I’ve grown and become enlightened. I knew it was wrong, didn’t know it was happening.

What I’ve come to realize is this one thing; “all lives cannot matter until black lives matter”. And we as a society need to understand that and stop undermining the movement. It is a clear and inherent fact to everyone that “All lives matter”, we shouldn’t need a reminder of that, we already know it. What we can’t seem to figure out is that black lives matter, and black lives are being stolen every day.

Someone’s dad, brother, son, uncle is senselessly taken away by a white man with an ego and anger management issues. A monster takes another’s life with his own hands. I never want to hear again “well we don’t know what he did!” That is disgusting!

I mean c’mon! We watched a man be murdered by cops on someone’s cell phone video for crying out loud! How does anyone even try to remotely justify or defend that white man?! You make me sick if you do! Just know that.

George Floyd was the straw that broke the camels back in this society built on taking advantage of the black and brown skinned people, it’s time it stopped already. He was the person that pushed this society over the edge. His death, no his murder is a horrible dark spot on our history. It is the day that not only was another black man killed at the hands of a white man, it was the day that society decided to say;

NO MORE!

Enough is enough!

We will not tolerate hate anymore!

They’ve done it in the forms of chanting, dancing, laying, kneeling, sitting. They’ve done it with “I can’t breath” on their masks. They’ve done it with tear gas being fired, such an unnecessary move (I’ve watched hours and hours of protest almost every single one is peaceful until tear gas shows up). They’ve done it while being shot at with rubber bullets. They’ve not backed down.

It only grows stronger and louder. What we must realize here is when the camels back broke it exposed the ugly truth about systemic racism in this country. It’s making people angry because well, simply put, the truth hurts.

Systemic racism is a major problem in this country. We must put an end to it. We must not ask the protestors or looters or rioters to stop. They must be heard. In every war their is casualties. We don’t want to see the destruction and “innocent” people being hurt, but it’s happening daily to our black and brown brothers and sisters daily. We should all be thankful we don’t live in a country to where all we’ve know is days like this.

But if history has taught us anything wars for basic equal civil rights for all are a necessary and beneficial part of a civilized society.

The unrest and the anger that is all around right now is totally justified. Until we are all truly free and equal we cannot be silent. If your skin is the “right” color (you know what I’m taking about white people), then you cannot sit idly by while our black brothers and sisters are being murdered.

I will not say “innocent black man” because there is no life innocent or guilty that is deserving of being ended by the hands of another human being. All person, no matter where they came from, are deserving of God’s compassion, grace, and love fully given through us, just as he gives to us.

Systemic racism is real and is unjustifiable. We cannot continue to hold our black brothers and sisters down. We must stand united! We have to be their voice.

Have you ever heard of “being the voice for the powerless; for the little guy?” I am sure you have. So please white people refuse to be silent. Challenge authority. It’s time to stop the oppression and racism that infiltrates our “justice” system.

Men and women fought valiantly and lost their lives so, “ALL MEN” could be “EQUAL”. What a shame we are bringing to them.

To all of you who insist on “All Lives Matter” I ask you evaluate why it is so important that you remind people of something they already know.

To all of the pro-lifers who aren’t protesting or speaking out, why not? Isn’t this the kind of thing you live for? Defending the sanctity of life for all persons? You do understand there is a very BIG and REAL difference between pro-life and pro-birth. If you’re out blowing up abortion clinics yet staying silent in Black Lives Matter then you are a bigger part of the problem than you think. Pro-life cannot mean you get to pick-and-choose which lives are worthy of saving. The choice cannot be life of an unborn child, or the life of a black man being violently stolen in a fit of rage for simply “making” the “mistake” of being black. For me the question isn’t which life matters more, just which life can we honestly save in the exact moment we are in?

If you don’t understand right now why supporting Black Lives Matter is the right thing to do, then please educate yourself. Maybe go visit some black people and truly find out what life is like for them. Maybe try making a human connection, and then try using empathy.

Love your neighbor as yourself is the golden rule…