Tag Archives: anxiety

Thank You

Thank you.

For what?

Just thank you.

“One More Bite Kelly”

Peanut butter cup crepe from Twisted Crepe Asheville NC. Look at this thing! Can you imagine anyone struggling to eat that? Well I was doing just fine even though it was loud, bright, and people very close to me, until I realized my fiancé was done and waiting on me. My stomach locked right up and I had two choices; 1) cry or 2) stare at my food, rub my belly, and repeat the words, “One more bite Kelly”.

One more bite Kelly,

Just one more bite.

One more bite Kelly,

There’s just one left.

One more bite Kelly,

I need you to take

One more bite Kelly.

“It’s breakfast because I’m 36!”

“It’s breakfast because I’m 36!” is what I said to my teens today.

So there is this thing about me that I don’t like, but it is part of me, and just like everything else I don’t like about me I’m working on it. I don’t like to speak up and ask for the same thing I give others. I definitely don’t do it for something in return, but I mean when it’s a birthday mantle countdown I want to be included in that.

So it’s okay to speak up and say, “hey don’t forget that mantle thing I started last year through the pandemic for everyone’s birthday, Father’s Day, and Mother’s Day”, right? Well yes. You see I know that and I would tell you or anyone else that “it is fine”, and I would go on to say, “People can’t possible know what you want if you don’t tell them, so if you’re left out it’s because you didn’t speak up.” You see I know reality, but what I don’t know is how to be okay with applying it myself.

Birthday countdown on our “Month of Love” mantle. February 2021

This year I did though. I felt awkward and guilty. I felt as if the lives might think that the only reason I do this for them is so they can do it for me. I was afraid that they’d call me spoiled. I was so anxious immediately after I said something, that I began to have a panic attack.

You know what though I’m so glad I spoke up. And even as they loaded it with very thoughtful me gifts I felt what they do when I do it for them, or at least I assume it is the same feeling. You know I’m not exactly sure how to describe the feeling. It’s a huge problem I’m still having is putting names to my feelings. I’m pretty certain it was happiness, joy, or love. Maybe all 3, I don’t know 🤷🏼‍♀️, I’m sure we will walk through it and put names to the feelings I was having in counseling next week.

Counseling has been trigger days so I asked my counselor to add relaxation therapy at the end of each session from now on and also asked if it was okay to see him after my birthday and this weekend because I didn’t want to be triggered and spend 3 days manic, panicked, or depressed. He agreed that it was the best for me so that I could maybe enjoy this time. And you know what I am certain that this was the right call. This is one of those times where the best therapy is to not do therapy. The best healing sometimes happens in those break moments.

So back to therapy next week and I am so excited to report that besides some tears because I was worried about my fiancé’s safety, driving in the snow storm on Monday (my birthday), I had a good weekend leading up to, including Valentine’s Day, and a good birthday. I can only hope that by this time next year there are no panic attacks surrounding the holidays and my birthday and all the gifts and love coming at me. This year better than last. Last better than the last. If that pattern continues then logic tells us that next year can only be better. It is the year of the Ox , so it is my year!

On my birthday countdown mantle

New washer

I am thankful the house is getting a new washer to match our new dryer we got last year. I’ll be thankful if we get a new stove. I speak up and ask to have an input, but then I immediately feel like I shouldn’t say anything because it’s not my money and I definitely don’t want anyone thinking I’m a gold digger or expect new shinny things. Besides why should I have an input if it’s not my money?

On My Birthday…

Today I am blessed to have woke up to start my 36th year of life. Although I have always been blessed and thankful for living another day, celebrating my birthday is one of those triggers that well you can’t avoid right? You can’t stop that day from coming and as I have found out, no matter how hard you try those who truly love and care for you, will push back even harder than your pushing; they’ll push and push and push until you can be free to enjoy your day.

All these gifts, all the love, all the everything over the last few days has really made me feel something I haven’t felt in a very long time. It hasn’t been exactly an easy road over the last 45 days to get here, but in comparison to last year, this year was a high difference.

I recently reconnected with a good friend and she reminded me that I need to love all of me, the good and the bad. When she was telling me to, “learn to love even the explosions”, it has really changed how I treat myself afterwards. Am I done internalizing and beating myself up, absolutely not, only difference is I am consciously fighting myself and telling myself to love me, don’t hate me in that moment or afterward. Huge help!

It’s really hard to be raised to believe that if you want for something that it is a bad thing, and now at 36 as of today be living a life in which people are like, “We want you to want for things. It’s okay to want nice things. It’s okay to have nice things…”, and be okay with it.

I’m thankful for a medical team that has found some medications to help me with my PTSD/Bipolar Type 2/anxiety. Sure I still can’t deal with minor stressors and I freak out over what seems to be nothing at, but everyday is a new day and I start it with a fresh outlook.

I’m realizing more about myself. I listen to what others say even when they are mad. I evaluate it. I ask myself, “is this just anger or a legit thing with me?” If I find myself in agreement with them I work hard to change that thing because they don’t even realize how much I already wanted to change it in the first place.

This year my birthday is today. I turned 36. And you know what I’m allowing myself to feel this feeling today. I’m not exactly sure how to name what I feel, but I can tell you I like it. I more than anything I think feel strong today. Strong enough to overcome a little anxiety thrown at me today and still enjoy my day.

I’m growing every day.

New Therapy

Animal Crossing New Horizons has become my new therapy. I just get lost in it and completely relax. I feel bad when I don’t accomplish anything here in the “real” world, but I’d rather just get lost in my video game than to be faced with the world and unknown stressors that will trigger an explosion.

I am so thankful my love got me my Nintendo Switch and the game for Christmas. What a way to distract myself and use my replacement therapy techniques I have learned. Replace the stressor with something I enjoy.

2/09/2021 we built our arcade.

I Had No Clue

1/20/2015

When they were younger I had so many ways to encourage them to eat. The doctors all told me I was, “doing it correctly”. You know the only example I had was from women who didn’t birth me and the small amount of time I spent with them.

I contribute so much to what I know about momming to the women who invited me in to their homes, one in particular. Things like this made me remeber the snack basket in the pantry on top of the microwave or on the shelf in the pantry. The idea was that if we were hungry we’d eat those foods before opening the refrigerator. It encouraged healthy choices and eating habits.

So when I became mom forever I was scared and unsure if I was doing any of it correctly. I had no clue. Had I had little ones I cared for as if I was mom before? Yep. Babies. I was good at babies. 8/9 years old, whoa! I had no clue.

I guess that’s the same feeling all first-time moms feel, especially to “twins” (my guys are like twins, bio-brothers adopted on the same day, learning and growing up from the exact same level although they were 15 months in birth age apart). My guys two guys I had to learn to navigate and they had a lot of learning to do as well. And sure I didn’t carry and birth them but I’ll tell you all the emotions, all the fear, all the anxiety, all of it I felt it too. Was it from hormones? No. But it was for every reason that makes mom, mom—love. A love so much greater than anyone could ever explain. It’s that kind of, “I’ll bite your face off if you mess with my cub”, type love. That love makes you worry about every possible scenario that could potentially come up, long before they can possibly even come up.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, you a person who has never really been a “worrier” is now exactly that, a “worrier”. Worrying about this and that. What the future for them looks like if I make a mistake. Worrying if I’m setting a good example. Worrying about what happens if I don’t. Wondering if I need to change this habit or that habit to make sure they know how to live. Just an overwhelming sense of worry. Every possible fear and anxiety about what could happen to these two precious lives if I messed up, or what could happen when they walk out the door…it’s hard on a mom.

Here I was responsible for two lives that had not been easy and I had no real example besides my mothers bad examples and some good examples from the weekends or weeks at a time I would spend with my best friend. So I was constantly confirming with the doctors, the therapists, the psychiatrist, and the school that they saw improvements and that I was doing the right things for them. And honestly I always loved when those people made suggestions. I mean I was literally trusting them with the most precious gifts I had even been given, so why wouldn’t I take their advice?

I was told I was doing it wrong. I was told I was, “babying” them, I was told so many terrible hurtful things, but I decided that the people telling me these things their kids hadn’t turned out so well so maybe I shouldn’t listen to their advice. I actually remember calling some of them out to their faces about the inability to be a good person—that did not go over well, but necessary. I trusted myself even when I doubted myself and people were cruel.

Now they eat, they go to bed on a pretty consistent schedule, and are hardworking healthy young men. I’m so glad I trusted my instincts regardless the criticism and blow back I may have gotten. A Warrior for sure. People may have broke me emotionally, but you can always fix what’s been broken not destroyed.

And just so you all know and understand. That all of this I’d do it again 1,000 times if I could. All of it. All the fear. All the worry. All the everything…the smiles, the laughter, the love is worth every sacrifice.

B-25 Days

01/20/2021

I was challenged to do a black and white photo so here it is. It also gave me the perfect opportunity to write this blog. I was going to do it B-29 Days, but life happens and I’m not one of those hands-off parents and partners, so I definitely got distracted. So here it is, B-25 Days.

In 25 days I will be 36. I cannot believe that I’m going to 36. This past year even though has been difficult and hard and any other word that is a synonym for ‘shitty’ will work. Any word and I mean any is what this 1 year of pandemic.

I have been joking about how last year was the first year I let my fiancé take me out for my birthday. Ugh! I have this whole issue with money being spent on me that I just cannot seem to kick; I mean I did grow up hearing, “get a job” anytime I wanted or even needed something, so I guess it’s no shock that I’d be this hung up on money being spent on me. But, anyway he and our sons said, “the world wouldn’t collapse”. Next thing we know we’re being locked down and the world literally came to a halt.

Now I clearly don’t believe that it had to do with me going out for my birthday, but joking this way about it is somehow making it a little less “bad” to be celebrated. It’s like finding that irony in the situation I guess. That laughable moment; I guess.

As I’ve stated before it’s hard to go through the Holiday season and this past Thanksgiving it was rough, but Christmas/NYE were way better for me than years past. I had a few hiccups, but no major incidents and that is a huge victory for me! Getting through those times are so hard, I did it though. So much so that I didn’t want wait to open more gifts that were delivered (if you know me it’s usually quite the opposite reaction; fear, terror, a feeling of I don’t deserve this). So I’d say huge progress in 2020.

Getting through my birthday and the days leading up to my birthday can be real hard. There are lots of emotions. There’s a lot of grief (at least there was). There’s weird feelings in being celebrated. I desire it like anyone else does, but I fear it so much. Because I don’t want to get used to liking the feeling of being celebrated and loved just for it all to go away. I’m so scared to let myself fully be loved, because I’m scared this love will just up and go away, and I don’t want to live a life without love.

So I’m counting down the days and hoping that I can get to a place of enjoyment of my 36th birthday because I really do love my new life and I want to get myself to a place where I am willing to be loved again. I don’t want to freak out and run when someone gets “too close” to me. I don’t want to “push them away before they can push me away”, I want to be willing be loved and feel love again.

This damn trip down memory lane has been a real hell of a ride. I’m glad I’ve went on it because I’m feeling freedom from things, at the same time I feel some guilt and remorse for how I’ve been the last couple years. I know it’s “normal and completely necessary in order to heal and move forward from all the pain and hurt”, but it doesn’t mean I can’t feel remorse for some of the things I’ve said and ways I’ve acted.

I know that my Bipolar has a lot to do with how I handle stress, and now because of therapy today that I’m just, “…stuck in a loop again because of exposure to a trigger over the last few weeks”, and I’m completely confident that my therapist can break this “loop” again. I’m so much stronger than the other times we’ve had to break it. I hate hypomania, it really is a really twisty windy bumpy road.

I’m going to work really hard to snap myself out of this depressed state, because I’m only depressed because I’ve allowed myself to be vulnerable, I’ve chosen to walk away from the people who created/raised me, I’ve left the toxic behind…I’ve allowed myself to grieve what didn’t have and what I had and lost. So I feel like I’m stuck in this depression and I don’t know how to get out.

I’m going to fight real hard to break it before my birthday because I want to enjoy it like I did last year, even if the end of the world came and it was a lot of effort to get me out of the house, I still enjoyed myself once we did leave.

I celebrate everyone I love and I realize that I am robbing them of the chance love me the way I love them…it’s not okay to rob someone of the chance to love. So I have to fight hard this year to get over this and through this birthday.

Maybe it would help if Valentine’s Day wasn’t the day before.