Tag Archives: anxiety

These Bad Boys…

My sons are the sweetest! I’m pretty certain as sweet as they were was because of me, however I think they’re as sweet as they are to me now because of the way they’ve seen their dad treat me over the last four years.

I’ve been spoiled and treated like a princess. I’ve “wined and dined” although I don’t drink wine and dining is sometimes a meltdown waiting to happen. The menu causes me anxiety so I’ve learned to read the menu and pick what I want before I go. Because their dad said, “you know I think the menu causes you a lot of unnecessary stress and I want to treat you to a nice meal that doesn’t cause you to panic.” And even when I do meltdown and cry at the table he is reassuring and understanding. He’s even realized that the darker the atmosphere the more likely I am to eat a full meal…dark environment meant for the first time ever I ate a 14oz steak and a baked potato…a full meal.

My sons they hear him comfort me and reassure me when I tell him to, “never take me out again because all I do is ruin everything”, damn Autism! They reassure and love to spoil me too now that they like dad work.

I have to admit it’s a little awkward and uncomfortable sometimes and I always feel like I need to do pay them back or do something special for them in return. They make sure to know that I am offending them by that mindset of mine.

These fine young men make me feel like I’m the most special person in there life, even when somedays I can’t feel it. I once told their dad that, “I’d be honored if my sons turned out to be half as good as he did”, and you know I taught the fundamentals. I taught them the basics. I was mom/dad when their adoptive father was too ill to be dad. But my Love came along and showed them how to treat a woman. Really treat her.

Even through the ugly and bad he is showing them how to get through it. He showing them that mom is struggling and she loves you and this is how we help the woman we love get through these things. He is showing them that loving a woman and a family isn’t easy, and most of all he is showing them how to love through it all.

So let’s talk about the title of this blog; “These Bad Boys”. Well I bet you thought this would be a complaint post, but actually as you see its not. What I’m actually referring to is this photo:

These air pods fell out of their case that was clipped to my key chain in my “Gameboy” case( I finally got my Gameboy, 😂 read the green leash blog) and clipped to my Love’s belt loop. We lost them on Labor Day at the Kankakee State Park. We had walked the trail and it was a beautiful day.

Well Wednesday night I wanted to use my AirPod Pros, opened my case, and they were gone. I immediately said, “I think someone ganked my AirPods out of the case. My son bought them for me and I was sad that we lost them and I was certain they’d be gone.

Well Thursday I actually won one. Finally! We took bikes and rode the trail and found them off the beaten path. I fell before we found them off the bike. I had some kind of heart episode that I chalked up to P.o.T.S., but now we’re not so certain.

The first incident was scary enough resulting in some scrapes and bruises, but I didn’t careen off the cliff into the Kankakee River and die. I chose to go limp and drop onto a very cushy, yes very cushy tree root system. It had clearly had the earth cover removed from it because of the rushing waters of the river when it’s flooded over; the roots were rotted and soft, and I knew my chances of getting hurt were small, so I told myself “go limp” and I did. With minimal injury just superficial scratches and some bruising.

On the way back from finding the AirPod Pros, I felt like I literally had a heart attack. The sad part is that I couldn’t go to the hospital because had it not been a heart attack and just my P.o.T.S. I would have been forced to pay the bill because my Indiana Medicaid is only allowed to be used out of state in a “true emergency”. You see if I had Medicare I could have called an ambulance if I wanted or had my permitted son to rush me to the hospital just down the road. But nope I have insurance that is only allowed to be used in Indiana.

I called my doctor the next day, by that point since I wasn’t having any real symptoms at that point, besides some discomfort we believed was from my heart being 200bpm or more. By the time I came through and looked at my Apple Watch ⌚️ my heart was at 184bpm and my chest hurt so badly.

This pain in my chest was like no other before. My whole left breast all the way up under my armpit, around to my back and it stayed pretty much on the left side, and up into my shoulder and neck. I did not have left arm pain in any way. I couldn’t catch my breath and I was profusely sweating.

I threw the bike and myself down and said, “No, no, no I have to sit my chest hurts”. I begin stripping my clothes off right there on the trail where I was sitting. My 17 year old right there and I absolutely could not say “I think I’m having a heart attack”. I lost all track of time I don’t know if it was 5-10 minutes, or 10-15, or 2 minutes, but my son said that I didn’t look good at all. He was quite worried. In the car I told him what I had thought had happen. He was as cool as a cucumber 🥒 and kept asking if I was ok.

He began suggesting getting something cold to drink and he was glad that I had not panicked at all because it “would make it worse if I was or did have a heart attack”. Me I didn’t panic once. Even telling myself, “if I panic or get upset in anyway they won’t believe me and they’ll chalk it up to anxiety and a panic attack.” For so long we have trying to figure out this flutter and cough and swelling, and so much, well maybe I should have told my doctor what I thought it was a long time ago, not fear it, but speak up.

I see him Thursday and I’m pretty certain I have CHF and have been in CHF for a while. You know I want to be a doctor and I am a horrible patient. Probably because I know my body, I’m kind of a Medical Savant. Like I’ve always known medicine and understood things about the human body without any formal training. When I was around 10 I visited the nursing department at Purdue University Calumet and I got at 98% on the nursing school entrance exam. The head of the department said they should advance me to college, I think she was joking, but I think she was serious too.

The worse patient because I’m usually right. I don’t want to confirm CHF, even though I know it is manageable and that I can live a happy healthy life where I manage it and help my heart do it’s job more efficiently and effortlessly. I’m pretty certain the stressful life I lived has caused a lot of this damage. I know it’s also partly genetics 🧬. I’m just glad I have a team of medical professionals I trust.

I’ll see what is going on Thursday. For now I’m just taking it easy. Just relaxing. Trying to keep my heart from spiking in rate because if it spikes I cough and can’t breathe or catch my breath. So just going to chill for a little. If you’re the praying type, will you pray for me. It’s scary at 35.

All in all we found the AirPods and I feel like I won one. I had a great dream last night. I know I must pursue medical school and that God will help my doctors get me through. God called me a “Medical Savant” in my dreams last night over and over again I heard it. I have never referred to myself like that. Makes sense though. I will be Dr. Ge someday. So please pray for me.

Eff…

Fuck it all!

That’s how I’m feeling today.

Fuck it all!

I have no filter.

Who the fuck cares?

I have no filter.

Fuck rape!

Fuck unwanted touch!

Fuck white men of power!

Fuck it all!

I’m so fucking over this country!

Fuck it all!

Legalize sex with children so it can’t be a crime.

What the fuck?

Seriously are you fucking kidding me?

Why are we even entertaining this?

Fuck it all!

A president…

Fuck him!

Fuck it all!

The Swear Word

That word.

That one five letter word.

A word meant to identify,

Now a swear word.

An unfortunate series of events to make it that way.

That five letter word is a beautiful word.

A five letter word passed down.

That five letter not a swear wird to you.

They made it that way to me though.

That five letter word.

Kelly

Day One

I have to start somewhere. Why not day 1?

First time I am taking medication for anxiety. First time it’s during the day. I hope this isn’t a placebo effect. I haven’t woke up feeling this well in a long time.

I diffused two situations with my boys this morning all before 9 am. And guess what I didn’t raise my voice. I used a technique that I was taught in therapy to use little words. I actually did it.

I kept it together twice. The second time more tense than the first, but I did it. I shut down the behavior, diffused the situation, and kept my cool.

I really hope this isn’ a temporary thing. I haven’t felt this relaxed in a very long time.

Not Only

Last night I actually slept.

Not only did I sleep I dreamt.

No only did I dream I remembered my dream.

Not only did I remember my dream, I awoke with a smile.

Whoever said, “sleep is overrated”, has never walked a day in my shoes.

Sleep is not “overrated” it’s a beautiful wonderful thing, when it doesn’t torture you.

Sleep

I think if I could actually just sleep I’d be a lot better. You know if I could just close my eyes and not be tormented for once in my life?

I can’t tell you what it is that has me awaken feeling like I need to run. I need to go far away. I’m not sure why I awaken with this feeling of panic, fear, and anxiety.

I said it this morning. It just rolled off my tongue with tears in my eyes (of course), “My subconscious knows that my conscious self is so my subconscious is attacking me the only way it can.”

It’s so true I see it now, clearly why it came pouring out of my mouth like it did, no thought behind it, just came out. And in that moment not only did I feel like, “Hey I really am in control here”, and like I could and should celebrate the fact that I have come so far that I cannot be attacked while awake anymore.

Sure there is the occasional PTSD trigger for me, but for the most part I am in control of my conscious self now. That was the goal of therapy. When I am upset and nervous about being upset I try so hard to consciously fight everything going on inside my head and body.

The shaking, the tightening chest muscles, the overwhelming amount of sweat pouring from my body, feeling like my face is on fire…I fight through it, consciously inside saying, “hey you’re okay, you can be upset, it’s okay”, but everything in my head is spinning out of control and I can’t fight my subconscious, but in a panic attack with Autism and ADHD my head is spinning so fast that I try to navigate it all.

I haven’t had a lot exposure to people or stressful situations that weren’t hurtful and hurting me. So I’ve only learned how navigate this all at a young age and as an adult it’s hard. I try. I fail.

If I could sleep maybe I’d have some more strength. If I could sleep maybe I’d me be again. A peaceful restful sleep is all I need.

You Learn

What do you do when there is something about you won’t be able to change? Like having a mental/behavioral health problem that is just part of you?

You learn to be “okay” with “not being okay”.

You learn to listen to their words and only their words even if you cannot process them while they’re saying them.

You learn to process them when your head is silent.

You learn to say there is just too much.

You learn that they love you.

You learn to trust.

You learn everything you can.

You learn to fail.

You learn to pick yourself back up.

And even when you believe you’re not good enough, that your not loveable, you’re not worth it, you allow their words to come through at the end of the day and start again tomorrow.

You learn to be okay with being you.

You learn to be patient with yourself.

You learn to be patient when they’re not patient with you.

You learn that you’ll never be perfect.

You learn you’re loved anyway.

You learn to leave the room, escape to the dark, and breathe.

You learn to breathe.

You learn when you can come back to the situation.

You learn that even though you would love for someone to wrap their arms around you, they shouldn’t just yet.

You learn to be okay with that.

You allow yourself to be okay with good touch when your panicking.

You learn that those touching you only have your best interest at heart.

You learn that even though you may freak the fuck out when they come close to you or touch you, to take a breath and look at them.

You learn that seeing their face can change “who you’re seeing”.

You learn to come back to reality when you see their loving faces.

You learn to let them know to ask before touching when you’re upset.

You learn to feel loved when sad.

You learn to feel loved when mad.

You learn to feel loved when joyous.

You learn to allow yourself to feel loved in all parts of your life.

You learn that you are stronger than you’ve ever imagined.

You learn that you will feel weaker than you’ve ever imagined.

You learn to lose control.

You learn to be in control.

You learn try to change only what you can.

You learn to embrace every day with hopeful anticipation.

You learn love harder.

You learn that some may never see your progress.

You learn that even if they do they’ll forget sometimes.

You learn that you are difficult to love.

You learn that all people are.

You learn that you’re stopping yourself from feeling love.

You learn that it’s because love has always hurt.

You learn that you must learn to be okay with being loved.

You learn to learn how to be loved.

I write this list because I learn daily. I am only able to write this list because all these things were taught to me in therapy or by my doctor. I write them for you to learn too.

“Kelly leave the room she said” I do now. I lay in my dark black room, on my cold foam bed, under my weighted blanket curled up tight, and cry and breathe. I patiently await the moment I can rejoin my family and sometimes I cannot.

I desire that hug, that warm loving embrace. I learned sometimes it’s not the best thing to do right away.

I learn to fight the feeling of aloneness in those moments, because I know it’s me choosing to remove myself from the situation so it doesn’t escalate. I have learned that if I am touched or talked to too soon it’s a problem.

I learn every single day.

Unlike most I analyze my “episodes” afterward. I pick myself and my behavior apart, just like I’ve been doing my whole life. When you’re not only parenting your parents, but yourself you don’t always learn how to cope and properly handle stress…no one ever taught you but who? You!

So I analyze. I research different strategies and inspiration quotes and messages. I listen to podcasts. I read blogs. I try to figure out how to help myself and what is going on in my body. I am 35 no mom, no dad, and I don’t say that for sympathy, this is a conscious decision on my part and I am getting so much better now and quicker. I am able to better parent my “unruly inner child”, even though I’m parenting her while I’m messing up. So yeah just like anyone being disciplined she doesn’t like it.

It’s a terrible thing for people who don’t really know you, never taken the time to really get to know you to think that you are unwilling to learn. When I am the first person to see my flaws, point them out, ask for help, and try to fix it.

I mean on my first date with my fiancé I told him every reason not to pursue me. I didn’t know about some mental health things that would later come out as a result of my traumas, but when they did come up I was the first to ask questions and to try and find answer.

The reason I’m not on my therapist couch anymore isn’t because I don’t have anything left to learn, it’s that he has taught me everything he could teach me in his office to get through life. He taught me how to cope. He taught me how to be okay when the feel like my loves don’t love me or don’t want me. He and my doctor taught me that no matter how much my loves want to not take it personally they’ll never be able not too, and I’ll never be able to not hurt because I hurt them. I learned from them and now my 16 year old 3 days that they don’t hurt the way I think they do. That they hurt because they love me and they want me to be free from this too.

My therapist taught me that when I mess up that my core belief of grace, that I myself am worthy of grace. That if I believe that God’s love is grace and mercy and patience, and I believe that everyone should love everyone with the bare minimum of grace, then I too am worthy of graceful type love.

The challenge is on me to believe all that I have been taught. I have already learned and I continue to do so, because only a fool refuses to learn.

The only thing I need to learn is to believe what I’ve been taught…

Triggered…

You know sometimes being triggered can be really productive. Being triggered by a discussion, a seemingly harmless conversation usually defeats me, not tonight though. I did cry and that’s okay, but I’m pretty certain I’ve figured something very beneficial out.

Tonight’s trigger made me realize why I want to run away from those that love me most whenever there is the slightest bit of tension in my relationships.

Maybe my parents should have rethought the words, “If you don’t like it leave. Stop your bitching or move the fuck out. Cry and complain, cry and complain Kelly if it’s really that bad and you don’t like it that much just go to Nikki’s and don’t come home. Shut up and only speak when you’re spoken to. If you don’t like it tough shit do it anyway.”

I think I panic during tension in my relationships because I fear being pushed aside and forgotten about just because of a bad day or two. Like I am not worthy of someone going through all the things of life with me like I would do for them.

I totally love people so much that I’d lay my life down for people I love and I think everyone is worthy of that kind of love. Yet, because of my parents I learned that everyone is everyone else, but me.

The best thing about telling her to, “Take an Long fucking walk off a short fucking pier”, and allowing myself to really grieve the loss of my parents (yes I know they are alive, no difference though), is that I am starting to remember who does love me. I’m at that stage of grief where you decide to take back your life.

The point where even though you may need to talk it through out loud and internally practice your coping mechanisms, all while allowing yourself to feel the overwhelming emotion, all while trying to stay in reality, and saying “I am so afraid you three here will just push me aside and forget about me too”.

Personally for me I’ve prayed and worked hard to get to a point where I could become my own counselor. When my loves aren’t around these past couple days I’ve been practicing a new technique.

If I have a negative thought I will combat it with a truth that I have been told. Maybe it’s confirming statement like, “yes you are difficult to love some days, but so is everyone somedays.”

Then I follow it up with an example of when someone I love was difficult to love. Maybe it’s a time when my then 8 year was stripping his clothes off at 8 pm every night regardless of where we were just because of sensory overload. Maybe it’s when some said something that hurt my feelings. Just anything really that made that person difficult to love; a behavior, a comment, an action or inaction. Whatever it may be.

Once I identify that moment I then ask myself a very important question, “Did you still love them afterwards?” The answer is yes, and if it is ever anything other than that it will be time to examine why; that’s what happened with my parents. I felt no love for them and I needed to understand why. I mean I love them as people and wish only the best for them, but there is no real like daughter-parent type love there. I examined why and I made that decision 2 months ago, life is getting better and better every day because of it.

I then ask myself, “how does it make you feel when so-and-so is hard to love?” I identify how I feel and say to myself, “if you feel this way what do you think they feel? Why would they feel any differently than you would? If this hurts you why wouldn’t it hurt them?”

Asking myself these things helps be able to understand the most important thing at the end of it all, that just like me, just because I don’t like something or someone for that moment it doesn’t mean I don’t love them, and that is no different for me.

It’s okay for someone to be mad at me and not like me so much in that moment, without me thinking they’re going to banish me from their life and kick me out of my home, and take everything I have and love away from me forever. That what was my normal was extreme and what normal is to have healthy tension and get through it in healthy ways.

Running is not healthy and I don’t like feeling like I want to run away before someone has the chance to throw me away. I am so thankful to God for all the triggers He gives me, because I learn from them. It may take a long time to figure out what He is trying to reveal to me, but I do know if I am continually fighting the same demon and I’m failing and failing and failing, I better listen harder because I’m probably missing Gods voice in there somewhere.

I am also so thankful that God led me to the counselor He did. He is a progressive type counselor and his goal is to get you off his couch and out in the world (that’s how I summarize what he does), and he uses a technique called Reality Therapy. It is the very technique I just walked through with you. Just consider it “A Day in the Life Of Kelly” type thing.

Again another conversation that ended in tears; what’s new with me right? This time the tears and the pain was very productive. Once I’m aware, usually if I make my love and little loves aware one of them will hug me, but all three of them know what and how to help me fight for my freedom.