Tag Archives: ADHD

This Mountain

This mountain means so much in my life. It’s just a really special place with huge significance to me. Not only did my love propose to me up there, but I had to overcome some major fears to get up there.

I’m thankful for going up there now 3 times. I love it there. I can’t wait until the construction is done and I can drive all the way to the top. I know this every time I come down I feel like a new beginning in my life. I feel like I heal up there. I feel like this mountain helps me make molehills out of mountains in my life.

The first time I drove up I had my fiancé (he proposed up there a year ago) with me and I was almost in tears chanting, “Tears mean death! Tears mean death.” This time I had my oldest son with me and I had anxiety before I even got to the toll gate, but it went away after my love text me and we got closer to the gate.

On the way up we stopped to fish at mile 6.5 at the Crystal Creek Reservoir. I made it to the top afterwards. No anxiety. No fear. Just enjoyed it. I even was able to go inside the Summit and look around and do some birthday and Christmas shopping. I usually get sick in there.

I did it. I got to Colorado. I choose where we would fish. What activities we would do. What city we were going to sleep in. I drove to mile 16 and took the shuttle to the top again. I did it with no one holing my hand figuratively or literally. I conquered my biggest fear.

I also wanted this trip to Pike’s Peak to be symbolic of the closing of one chapter of my life and to the opening of a new one. This trip up was more than just a vacation, it was a real test of growth. I had to make decisions with no guidance. I had to navigate my way through some pretty scary incidents that lead me to being literally lost without GPS in the middle of nowhere Colorado.

I did it. I did it on my own. My son right there beside me along for the ride, sleeping most of the time. I did it though. I am so glad I did. I am looking forward to my future again and I am trying to do as much reality therapy as possible. You never know I may walk through some with you.

Okay

They’re okay.

He’s okay.

I’m okay.

We’re okay.

Okay?!

Growing up part 2

“There you go Kell you can become a doctor and buy us that house”, or “Hey their probably a lawyer see…you can become a lawyer or a doctor and make a lot of money and take care of us”. Looking back I see that I was just a free ride…a meal ticket.

I grew up with this mindset that my only job in this world is to take care my parents…my mom couldn’t take care of me so of course it was my job to care for her. I was born to a mother and a father who were in no way ready, capable, or equipped to take care of themselves let alone two children…add in my step-father and we had 3 ill equipped and incapable of being parents that children needed.

My sperm donor of a biological father

7/23/2020

Sometimes…

it takes me a long time to write and complete a blog post. Like days, weeks, months…just depends on the initial trigger.

Used to…

I used to let you love me. I used to embrace a new life, a new love, a new “normal”. I let you let me put my guards down. I let you let me be not so independent. I let you love me enough to let me become me.

It’s scary you know? Not knowing who I am yet. Trying to figure out what I like, don’t like, what I want and don’t want, what makes me happy and what makes me just ehh…at 35 isn’t easy. All I know I being a caregiver. I have been parenting people since I was very young. I helped with my brother and at 9 years old I was a caregiver for my grandfather. Now that my sons are working and they are almost adults, I’m finding it hard to know who I am and to be okay with my life.

From the time I sensed my now fiancé was going to propose I haven’t been handling life very well. Transitioning to the one thing I want the most in life hasn’t been easy at all, then you throw empty nest syndrome on top of it…watch out. Not only that I’m in menopause, so I haven’t handled life well since he proposed. There are too many changes and so many “what if’s”.

I’m not feeling very secure in myself right now with all these changes that I cannot control in my life happening. I’m literally being forced into retirement and there is nothing I can do about it. My sons are becoming adults and I am so proud of them, but it’s so hard to know that they are my last two to raise. They make me want to do it all over again. There is so many challenges that they brought me, but they have literally helped become who I am today and I am becoming. My love he is a great dad and when I see him in them or them in him, I love him so much more. So I not certain why I am struggling to let people love me right now.

It’s hard I’m scared I know that everyone I love will eventually hate me or leave me. That I am just not worth someone loving or being around forever. Then I remind myself of everything he has told me. My love has spoke so many “right” things in almost 4 years together. He has picked me up and put back pieces. Now I find myself needing to walk through “reality” to remind myself of every thing he has said or done to make me love him. All the times he has told me, “Until I tell you you’re a problem for me…” This is what I’ve been reminding myself lately (by lately a couple days) to go with his words when I’m feeling insecure in my place in his life , If he had a problem and wanted me to go he’d tell me. He’s not a man of many words. He only says what he means.” It has been helping me greatly these past couple days.

Reminding myself of the good things when bad things pop up and rewriting how I feel about situations is really helpful. I’m going to get back to the place where I let him love me like he wants to. I have to put these walls back down and just feel free again. Traveling through my past over the past few years hasn’t been easy on me, but especially my 3 loves. I’m so thankful for their love, even when I can’t seem to feel it or accept it. I’m not certain if I can ever express to them just how grateful I am for the way they love me.

In the words of Megan Trainor “I’m workin’ on, workin’ on it. Trying to see what you see when you look at me. I’m workin’ on, workin’ on it…” or something like that ❤️

My grief of what I don’t have and what I have walked away from has been so great this past year, but the truth is I have done those things to heal, and healing is what I’ve been working so hard at. So I’ll keep working at this and I’ll let myself be me finally. I’m going to keep working hard to be the best version of me. I’m also going to keep on working on being me without regards to what people think of me, that’s the biggest one for me.

Me

I have no confidence in me and I’m learning to.

My loves encourage and push and believe in me.

It’s time for me to believe in me.

I can do this.

It is hard work.

I can overcome these insecurities.

I’m helping me by helping others.

A God given gift of loving and pleasing people.

I’m learning me.

I’m learning how be me.

I’m learning to be okay with me.

It’s hard work to be confident in me.

But me though,

I know,

I am a strong woman.

I can do this.

I can be me❣️

Me

I have no confidence in me and I’m learning to.

My loves encourage and push and believe in me.

It’s time for me to believe in me.

I can do this.

It is hard work.

I can overcome these insecurities.

I’m helping me by helping others.

A God given gift of loving and pleasing people.

I’m learning me.

I’m learning how be me.

I’m learning to be okay with me.

It’s hard work to be confident in me.

But me though,

I know,

I am a strong woman.

I can do this.

I can be me❣️

Congratulations

You told me that I am beautiful 2 days ago. I told you…

“I finally believe you”❣️

“Congratulations”❣️

What I didn’t say was,

Thank you❣️❣️❣️

I’m not doing well right now. I’m feeling defeated. I’m feeling worried. I’m feeling scared. I feel like I need a hug and the only one whose hug will do is at work.

I’m working hard to silence the inner dialogue. Those of you who suffer with anxiety, depression, CPTSD, ADHD, you know what I’m talking about.

The inner negative is so bad.

“He can’t love me anymore I’m not worth it.”

“I’m too broken.”

“If I do the things I used to it might not be received well, it might look like I’m trying too hard to be me again. I don’t want to be called fake.”

“I’m not worth this.”

“Does he want me to do life on my own?”

“Does he want to do things with me, that I want to do?”

“Do they think I’m bad?”

“Does he miss me like I miss him?”

“Do they miss me like I miss them?”

“No they could never miss you like you miss them, because they’re happy to be away from you.”

Some days this is an all day battle and it takes so much out of me that it cancels the next couple days. I’m so exhausted. I’ll keep fighting it though. I just wish someone would remind me of the truth…