Category Archives: Uncategorized

My Love

My love you are the one constant thing I see in my future. The one I see in every season of life.

I see you and me with grandkids. I see us with car seats in that really cool blazer project you dream to make happen.

I see you holding my hand through good and bad. You are the one who helped me in so many ways. You loved me in ways I have never been loved.

The way you love me. The way you show me grace. They way you love the boys. All make me love you so much more.

I’m not doing well right now. I’m feeling defeated. I’m feeling worried. I’m feeling scared. I feel like I need a hug and the only one whose hug will do is at work.

I’m working hard to silence the inner dialogue. Those of you who suffer with anxiety, depression, CPTSD, ADHD, you know what I’m talking about.

The inner negative is so bad.

“He can’t love me anymore I’m not worth it.”

“I’m too broken.”

“If I do the things I used to it might not be received well, it might look like I’m trying too hard to be me again. I don’t want to be called fake.”

“I’m not worth this.”

“Does he want me to do life on my own?”

“Does he want to do things with me, that I want to do?”

“Do they think I’m bad?”

“Does he miss me like I miss him?”

“Do they miss me like I miss them?”

“No they could never miss you like you miss them, because they’re happy to be away from you.”

Some days this is an all day battle and it takes so much out of me that it cancels the next couple days. I’m so exhausted. I’ll keep fighting it though. I just wish someone would remind me of the truth…

Great…

Now a man who has been photographed with young girls…

Of course now he’s “taking them down”, more like he is going to be the biggest child sex-trafficker ring leader in the world…Epstein was his “friend” they were in it together.

Here Comes the…

“Waterworks”

“Tears”

“Cry baby”

“Blubbering beached whale”

“Drama queen”

“Baby”

“Brat”

“Fat ass bitch”

Laughter

Name calling

Time out

Bed without dinner

Yelling

You’re Okay

Home alone again.

It’s the hardest thing for me to be.

This subconscious fear.

This anxiety.

I fight hard to distract and be okay.

I know I’m okay.

I know I’m safe here.

I know when they’ll be home.

I know that they’ll be home.

I’m home alone again.

Nothing to worry about.

I want to cry.

I’m not sure why.

I can over come this too.

A new season I’m in.

A new season we are all in.

My new season is a trigger of a past season.

Remember Kelly you know what’s real.

They went to work.

They will be home.

They can’t wait to come home to you.

You know what time everyone will be home.

You are loved.

You are wanted.

They left home.

They didn’t leave you.

Most of all though.

Remember;

You’re okay.

Initial panic…

I am not sure how someone like me with P.o.T.S. is supposed to do things in life right now. One things we cannot do is stand, but almost everywhere we go right now seems like there is a line just to get in the door.

I totally get and understand why, and honestly appreciate how well our society is approaching the Coronavirus, even if our federal government is failing us. It just sucks. I hate need long special attention and I fear asking for accommodations to make my life a little easier.

I get annoyed when my love is always asking anymore, “Do you have a gluten free option?” To constantly need accommodating wherever I go is a little bit frustrating.

I seriously don’t need to bring attention to the fact that I have these issues every single time I’m anywhere new. I hate being the center of attention or that “picky” person.

My love though he is my hero like always and asks and now I’m starting to be okay with asking. I initially panicked when I pulled up to the BMV and saw the line to get in. I was like, “Oh no! What am I going to do? I can’t like go in that door without cutting in front of all these people, and I don’t want them to think I just skipped ahead of them. Oh man!”

You know I got out of Pria (my Prius) and walked to the front of the line and asked “Do we have to get a number?”, the other customers informed me of how it worked. I was replied, “oh I’m well if I stand in this line I may pass out because of a heart condition.”

Quite opposite of what I expected people were like “go inside this door and they’ll let you sit inside we don’t want you passing out.” People were actually understanding, not rude, and helped me get inside to a seat so I wouldn’t get sick unnecessarily.

It’s so hard for me to speak up for what I need. It’s extremely hard for me to get my needs met. When I was growing up I struggled with not only living in an environment that wasn’t very nurturing to the needs of my brother and I, but I now know Asperger’s Syndrome Autism and ADHD. Those conditions already make it hard to not only express needs, but to get them met.

If you don’t know how to ask for what you need, you won’t. If you do figure out how to speak up for what you need and you’re met with nothing but ridicule, and remarks of “get a job” or “want in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up faster”, you learn that what you initially thought to be true is true…”silence is best and you need nothing”.

Once you’ve been met with so much negativity around your needs you automatically assume that what you need is insignificant and that you don’t deserve anything.

I know that’s how it is for me. I’m so shocked that I got up the courage to ask, and quickly. Now I am sitting down waiting for my number to be called and I’m not having my heart race feeling like my blood is in my feet and I’m going to pass out.

Even though my heart was pounding like crazy getting out of my car knowing that I needed to ask that hard question, “What should I do?”, but I did it. I told security, she got me a seat, the lady got me a number and did my VIN check while I wait. She explained that I didn’t line jump that I was actually the next one to need a number. I was happy by this. I would have felt terrible if I got in before someone who had waited longer than me.

Love thank you once again for giving me the courage and confidence to do things like this for myself. You are a true leader. It’s because of your “annoying” example that I am getting secure in the fact that, “the whole world won’t end” if I ask for what I need.

Inside the BMV

20,000

Man it makes me cry.

I just want to help everyone.

It’s time to overcome my insecurities.

Believe in me because God believes in me.

Make videos.

Reach more.

Connect with people on the streets.

Detroit I’ve heard your cry.

I’m on my way.

I’ll try my best to help you out.

Maybe one of those old schools can start the process.

Lord I pray for you to guide my way.

Ending homelessness and hunger for ALL is of upmost importance.

20,000 cold.

20,000 hungry.

20,000 fearing for their lives.

20,000

20,000 brothers and sisters alone.

20,000

In one city is way too much.

20,000 beating hearts.

20,000 breathing lungs.

20,000

People.

I’m not sure what happened…

Just like that they’re both at work.

Young men starting their lives.

I’m alone.

Missing them.

Excited for them.

Proud of them.

Their very presence missed.

I’m not sure how this happened or why I encouraged it, but it’s here.

I miss them.

I wonder if they know.

I love them.

I am proud of them.

I love them.

I hope they know.

I can’t believe this day has come.

I prayed to give them these opportunities in life.

I’m pleased that we’ve made it this far.

I am sad to let them go though. My life changes every time theirs does.

This new season of life is here quicker than I thought it would be.

I miss them.

I wonder if they know?