I’m not doing well right now. I’m feeling defeated. I’m feeling worried. I’m feeling scared. I feel like I need a hug and the only one whose hug will do is at work.
I’m working hard to silence the inner dialogue. Those of you who suffer with anxiety, depression, CPTSD, ADHD, you know what I’m talking about.
The inner negative is so bad.
“He can’t love me anymore I’m not worth it.”
“I’m too broken.”
“If I do the things I used to it might not be received well, it might look like I’m trying too hard to be me again. I don’t want to be called fake.”
“I’m not worth this.”
“Does he want me to do life on my own?”
“Does he want to do things with me, that I want to do?”
“Do they think I’m bad?”
“Does he miss me like I miss him?”
“Do they miss me like I miss them?”
“No they could never miss you like you miss them, because they’re happy to be away from you.”
Some days this is an all day battle and it takes so much out of me that it cancels the next couple days. I’m so exhausted. I’ll keep fighting it though. I just wish someone would remind me of the truth…
I am not sure how someone like me with P.o.T.S. is supposed to do things in life right now. One things we cannot do is stand, but almost everywhere we go right now seems like there is a line just to get in the door.
I totally get and understand why, and honestly appreciate how well our society is approaching the Coronavirus, even if our federal government is failing us. It just sucks. I hate need long special attention and I fear asking for accommodations to make my life a little easier.
I get annoyed when my love is always asking anymore, “Do you have a gluten free option?” To constantly need accommodating wherever I go is a little bit frustrating.
I seriously don’t need to bring attention to the fact that I have these issues every single time I’m anywhere new. I hate being the center of attention or that “picky” person.
My love though he is my hero like always and asks and now I’m starting to be okay with asking. I initially panicked when I pulled up to the BMV and saw the line to get in. I was like, “Oh no! What am I going to do? I can’t like go in that door without cutting in front of all these people, and I don’t want them to think I just skipped ahead of them. Oh man!”
You know I got out of Pria (my Prius) and walked to the front of the line and asked “Do we have to get a number?”, the other customers informed me of how it worked. I was replied, “oh I’m well if I stand in this line I may pass out because of a heart condition.”
Quite opposite of what I expected people were like “go inside this door and they’ll let you sit inside we don’t want you passing out.” People were actually understanding, not rude, and helped me get inside to a seat so I wouldn’t get sick unnecessarily.
It’s so hard for me to speak up for what I need. It’s extremely hard for me to get my needs met. When I was growing up I struggled with not only living in an environment that wasn’t very nurturing to the needs of my brother and I, but I now know Asperger’s Syndrome Autism and ADHD. Those conditions already make it hard to not only express needs, but to get them met.
If you don’t know how to ask for what you need, you won’t. If you do figure out how to speak up for what you need and you’re met with nothing but ridicule, and remarks of “get a job” or “want in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up faster”, you learn that what you initially thought to be true is true…”silence is best and you need nothing”.
Once you’ve been met with so much negativity around your needs you automatically assume that what you need is insignificant and that you don’t deserve anything.
I know that’s how it is for me. I’m so shocked that I got up the courage to ask, and quickly. Now I am sitting down waiting for my number to be called and I’m not having my heart race feeling like my blood is in my feet and I’m going to pass out.
Even though my heart was pounding like crazy getting out of my car knowing that I needed to ask that hard question, “What should I do?”, but I did it. I told security, she got me a seat, the lady got me a number and did my VIN check while I wait. She explained that I didn’t line jump that I was actually the next one to need a number. I was happy by this. I would have felt terrible if I got in before someone who had waited longer than me.
Love thank you once again for giving me the courage and confidence to do things like this for myself. You are a true leader. It’s because of your “annoying” example that I am getting secure in the fact that, “the whole world won’t end” if I ask for what I need.