All posts by Kelly Ge

About Kelly Ge

I'm just a mom trying to heal myself from my traumatic past. Sharing my journey through the past, my current struggles, my life with you. I hope to heal myself through sharing my stories of hardships and how I have or am overcoming them. Telling the truth about the lifelong effects of childhood adversities, abuse, eating disorders, neglect, PTSD, and more. I am so excited to be sharing this with you. Writing it out is so helpful, but knowing that just one person can and probably will read it, makes it so much better. It makes me feel finally heard. PSA there will probably be triggers for some in my stories, so please be aware of that.

You Learn

What do you do when there is something about you won’t be able to change? Like having a mental/behavioral health problem that is just part of you?

You learn to be “okay” with “not being okay”.

You learn to listen to their words and only their words even if you cannot process them while they’re saying them.

You learn to process them when your head is silent.

You learn to say there is just too much.

You learn that they love you.

You learn to trust.

You learn everything you can.

You learn to fail.

You learn to pick yourself back up.

And even when you believe you’re not good enough, that your not loveable, you’re not worth it, you allow their words to come through at the end of the day and start again tomorrow.

You learn to be okay with being you.

You learn to be patient with yourself.

You learn to be patient when they’re not patient with you.

You learn that you’ll never be perfect.

You learn you’re loved anyway.

You learn to leave the room, escape to the dark, and breathe.

You learn to breathe.

You learn when you can come back to the situation.

You learn that even though you would love for someone to wrap their arms around you, they shouldn’t just yet.

You learn to be okay with that.

You allow yourself to be okay with good touch when your panicking.

You learn that those touching you only have your best interest at heart.

You learn that even though you may freak the fuck out when they come close to you or touch you, to take a breath and look at them.

You learn that seeing their face can change “who you’re seeing”.

You learn to come back to reality when you see their loving faces.

You learn to let them know to ask before touching when you’re upset.

You learn to feel loved when sad.

You learn to feel loved when mad.

You learn to feel loved when joyous.

You learn to allow yourself to feel loved in all parts of your life.

You learn that you are stronger than you’ve ever imagined.

You learn that you will feel weaker than you’ve ever imagined.

You learn to lose control.

You learn to be in control.

You learn try to change only what you can.

You learn to embrace every day with hopeful anticipation.

You learn love harder.

You learn that some may never see your progress.

You learn that even if they do they’ll forget sometimes.

You learn that you are difficult to love.

You learn that all people are.

You learn that you’re stopping yourself from feeling love.

You learn that it’s because love has always hurt.

You learn that you must learn to be okay with being loved.

You learn to learn how to be loved.

I write this list because I learn daily. I am only able to write this list because all these things were taught to me in therapy or by my doctor. I write them for you to learn too.

“Kelly leave the room she said” I do now. I lay in my dark black room, on my cold foam bed, under my weighted blanket curled up tight, and cry and breathe. I patiently await the moment I can rejoin my family and sometimes I cannot.

I desire that hug, that warm loving embrace. I learned sometimes it’s not the best thing to do right away.

I learn to fight the feeling of aloneness in those moments, because I know it’s me choosing to remove myself from the situation so it doesn’t escalate. I have learned that if I am touched or talked to too soon it’s a problem.

I learn every single day.

Unlike most I analyze my “episodes” afterward. I pick myself and my behavior apart, just like I’ve been doing my whole life. When you’re not only parenting your parents, but yourself you don’t always learn how to cope and properly handle stress…no one ever taught you but who? You!

So I analyze. I research different strategies and inspiration quotes and messages. I listen to podcasts. I read blogs. I try to figure out how to help myself and what is going on in my body. I am 35 no mom, no dad, and I don’t say that for sympathy, this is a conscious decision on my part and I am getting so much better now and quicker. I am able to better parent my “unruly inner child”, even though I’m parenting her while I’m messing up. So yeah just like anyone being disciplined she doesn’t like it.

It’s a terrible thing for people who don’t really know you, never taken the time to really get to know you to think that you are unwilling to learn. When I am the first person to see my flaws, point them out, ask for help, and try to fix it.

I mean on my first date with my fiancé I told him every reason not to pursue me. I didn’t know about some mental health things that would later come out as a result of my traumas, but when they did come up I was the first to ask questions and to try and find answer.

The reason I’m not on my therapist couch anymore isn’t because I don’t have anything left to learn, it’s that he has taught me everything he could teach me in his office to get through life. He taught me how to cope. He taught me how to be okay when the feel like my loves don’t love me or don’t want me. He and my doctor taught me that no matter how much my loves want to not take it personally they’ll never be able not too, and I’ll never be able to not hurt because I hurt them. I learned from them and now my 16 year old 3 days that they don’t hurt the way I think they do. That they hurt because they love me and they want me to be free from this too.

My therapist taught me that when I mess up that my core belief of grace, that I myself am worthy of grace. That if I believe that God’s love is grace and mercy and patience, and I believe that everyone should love everyone with the bare minimum of grace, then I too am worthy of graceful type love.

The challenge is on me to believe all that I have been taught. I have already learned and I continue to do so, because only a fool refuses to learn.

The only thing I need to learn is to believe what I’ve been taught…


With tears in my eyes I snap my #redlipsforBernie snapshot today.

Why my tears?

Because as the female child I was held back and kept down. My intelligence a threat and vague answer to questions like “Why do planes fly? What keeps them in the air?”…the answers never good enough for me, “because the jet fuel is hotter than the air and it allows them to take off and stay in the air” I was told.

So my tears because once again I feel stupid because that is “simplest answer to give”. And here I am at 35 sitting on the floor wondering why I am so stupid that I don’t know how “lift” works and even my 16 year old can eloquently explain how and airplane is able to fly and stay in the air.

Me a question I’ve wanted for so long and never really cared about it until an electric plane was brought up and I didn’t understand how that could possibly even work.

This happens so much. My childhood including my education was robbed from me by the very people who should’ve have helped me grow, thrive, and achieve. But if they did that I wouldn’t be around to take care of them, well guess what I still am not around to take care of them. Just now I have no way of caring for myself.

I feel so defeated sometimes.

Me and my “aerotears”


You know sometimes being triggered can be really productive. Being triggered by a discussion, a seemingly harmless conversation usually defeats me, not tonight though. I did cry and that’s okay, but I’m pretty certain I’ve figured something very beneficial out.

Tonight’s trigger made me realize why I want to run away from those that love me most whenever there is the slightest bit of tension in my relationships.

Maybe my parents should have rethought the words, “If you don’t like it leave. Stop your bitching or move the fuck out. Cry and complain, cry and complain Kelly if it’s really that bad and you don’t like it that much just go to Nikki’s and don’t come home. Shut up and only speak when you’re spoken to. If you don’t like it tough shit do it anyway.”

I think I panic during tension in my relationships because I fear being pushed aside and forgotten about just because of a bad day or two. Like I am not worthy of someone going through all the things of life with me like I would do for them.

I totally love people so much that I’d lay my life down for people I love and I think everyone is worthy of that kind of love. Yet, because of my parents I learned that everyone is everyone else, but me.

The best thing about telling her to, “Take an Long fucking walk off a short fucking pier”, and allowing myself to really grieve the loss of my parents (yes I know they are alive, no difference though), is that I am starting to remember who does love me. I’m at that stage of grief where you decide to take back your life.

The point where even though you may need to talk it through out loud and internally practice your coping mechanisms, all while allowing yourself to feel the overwhelming emotion, all while trying to stay in reality, and saying “I am so afraid you three here will just push me aside and forget about me too”.

Personally for me I’ve prayed and worked hard to get to a point where I could become my own counselor. When my loves aren’t around these past couple days I’ve been practicing a new technique.

If I have a negative thought I will combat it with a truth that I have been told. Maybe it’s confirming statement like, “yes you are difficult to love some days, but so is everyone somedays.”

Then I follow it up with an example of when someone I love was difficult to love. Maybe it’s a time when my then 8 year was stripping his clothes off at 8 pm every night regardless of where we were just because of sensory overload. Maybe it’s when some said something that hurt my feelings. Just anything really that made that person difficult to love; a behavior, a comment, an action or inaction. Whatever it may be.

Once I identify that moment I then ask myself a very important question, “Did you still love them afterwards?” The answer is yes, and if it is ever anything other than that it will be time to examine why; that’s what happened with my parents. I felt no love for them and I needed to understand why. I mean I love them as people and wish only the best for them, but there is no real like daughter-parent type love there. I examined why and I made that decision 2 months ago, life is getting better and better every day because of it.

I then ask myself, “how does it make you feel when so-and-so is hard to love?” I identify how I feel and say to myself, “if you feel this way what do you think they feel? Why would they feel any differently than you would? If this hurts you why wouldn’t it hurt them?”

Asking myself these things helps be able to understand the most important thing at the end of it all, that just like me, just because I don’t like something or someone for that moment it doesn’t mean I don’t love them, and that is no different for me.

It’s okay for someone to be mad at me and not like me so much in that moment, without me thinking they’re going to banish me from their life and kick me out of my home, and take everything I have and love away from me forever. That what was my normal was extreme and what normal is to have healthy tension and get through it in healthy ways.

Running is not healthy and I don’t like feeling like I want to run away before someone has the chance to throw me away. I am so thankful to God for all the triggers He gives me, because I learn from them. It may take a long time to figure out what He is trying to reveal to me, but I do know if I am continually fighting the same demon and I’m failing and failing and failing, I better listen harder because I’m probably missing Gods voice in there somewhere.

I am also so thankful that God led me to the counselor He did. He is a progressive type counselor and his goal is to get you off his couch and out in the world (that’s how I summarize what he does), and he uses a technique called Reality Therapy. It is the very technique I just walked through with you. Just consider it “A Day in the Life Of Kelly” type thing.

Again another conversation that ended in tears; what’s new with me right? This time the tears and the pain was very productive. Once I’m aware, usually if I make my love and little loves aware one of them will hug me, but all three of them know what and how to help me fight for my freedom.

Red Lips

Yesterday I came across some interesting information on red lipstick and why women wore red lips WWII. I would have been one of these women I know it.

Here is some interesting history for you. Supposedly Hitler hated red lipstick. So much so that he decided to enforce strict rules about what the “ideal” German woman would look like.

Over in America though we women we weren’t silent. I’m starting to notice a trend here within our society and in my personal life, women are loud and noise makers and that’s offensive to some, but us loud women we get stuff done. We lead the way in changing society and drawing attention to societal flaws. At least I know I do. I lose so many relationships for this.

But anyway, American women decided that it was time to “speak out” so to speak. They refashioned the red lip and brought back red lipstick during the Great Depression which caused them to hoard their favorite red and caused a whole lipstick shortage. It’s real look it up.

They weren’t just looking for an excuse to go out and spend money in a time where money was scarce and jobs were low and such a low time in our history, economically that is. They did this to send a loud and clear message. I’m pretty certain that message was, “Eff you Hitler and you’re effing racist bs and fascist way of life! Eff you! Eff you!” They knew I’m sure that this was the best way to be seen and heard in a “mans world”.

In the 1940s women wearing red lipstick charge into factories and the battlefields wearing bright red lipstick telling Hitler and his supporters that they will not tolerate hate anymore! And thus led the lipstick war during WWII. There are so many, many, many interesting things about this movement that you should look up. When you learn women’s history you feel empowered.

Yesterday I vowed to wear red lipstick everyday to speak out against systemic racism, systemic oppression, segregation, fascism, and anyone who feels the need to marginalize or hate another human being.

I am also starting the #redlipsforBernie hashtag because I believe that Bernie Sanders is the answer to the problems we are facing today. I do not believe Joe Biden or Donald Trump are fit to hold office. They are liars and manipulators and will do and say whatever it takes for your vote.

Bernie has been fighting for equality and justice for ALL since well before I was born, so please people he is still on the ballot, you can still vote for him. Also you do realize that we don’t need him to campaign we can do that for him. He stepped back to do his job as a United States Senator, so let’s do ours and help this country change. I will not give up hope!

I wrote Bernie in 4 years ago and I am prepared to cast my vote for him this November as well. Don’t seek your morals to the devil. Either one this November.


Creative Parenting

I’ve let depression and anxiety take the best parts of me away for far too long. I’m coming back!

I’m literally sick and tired of one of my sons thinking that he can say one thing and then when someone calls him on it he can say, “oh no I said this”. It’s frustrating because it’s like “damnit I know what I heard!”

It’s even more frustrating when you’re trying to keep your cool because he knows that his dad knows that you loose your cool and yell and if he can pair you as hysterical then dad will automatically be on his side, so your just like “please stop talking and go do your homework”…shouldn’t it just stop there?

Yeah no it doesn’t he has to keep talking and when you say, “stop talking this why arguments start because you can’t just stop and I have to get louder than you, so just shut up and go do your damn homework.”

Yep there it is I finally lost my cool now your father will think its all my fault because I yelled at you, not realizing that I’m the thing was going on two whole minutes and I finally had enough of the disrespectful mouthy teenager who can’t accept that I don’t accept excuses.

So here is my creative parenting moment.

“When we have to have the last word in the conversation regardless of how wrong we are, we are the escalator bringing all parties to the argument, willingly or unwillingly.” —Me

His wife

My biggest fear is dying today or tomorrow and living my whole life without being his wife.

Waisting all my love on the wrong people my life, and now giving more than I have ever given. Baring more of me than I ever have before to anyone. Carrying the wrong last name. The men who “made” me were all wrong; I carry one of their names and it’s a constant reminder of where I have come from.

I have big dreams and goals and ambitions and because of those “men” I may never be able to be taken seriously and always just be a “day dreamer”, but I seriously want those things, but I’m mostly not emotionally stable enough to be in society let alone to handle the stress that would come with trying to become a lawyer or a doctor. I never know what will trigger a PTSD Panic Attack thing and it’s embarrassing when it happens; when I lose control.

If I do achieve those things tomorrow the only man who has ever given me strength, confidence, love, courage, encouragement, asked me how I am doing, and literally has changed my life and gave me a life gets no recognition. His hard work, his efforts, his patience, strength, love, support, all of it…His love for me shown to everyone every time someone calls me by his name. What an honor!

If I die tomorrow at least I can say for one day I was his wife, what a privilege it was to have that honor. Biggest fear never being his wife and having the life I always fantasized about.


I asked my youngest son what we should have with the chicken tonight and he told me, “carrots and potatoes”.

I found organic rainbow carrots which at that point I decided I needed to make a colorful dinner. If you know me you know that I am a very picky eater and I don’t typically go for veggies.

I am trying to be a better version of me and find myself along the way. I want to be healthy and live a longe healthy life, so I decided to try a bunch of veggies tonight. I loved my creation.

I love to cook so I usually just get creative. I like to think of my kitchen a never ending episode of Chopped.

While at the store I decided to grab the produce for tomorrow night as well. Tonight we had chicken with roasted Little Potato Company potatoes, onion, organic rainbow carrots, yellow squash, and various seasonings.

Tomorrow curry…yum❣️