All posts by Kelly Ge

About Kelly Ge

I'm just a mom trying to heal myself from my traumatic past. Sharing my journey through the past, my current struggles, my life with you. I hope to heal myself through sharing my stories of hardships and how I have or am overcoming them. Telling the truth about the lifelong effects of childhood adversities, abuse, eating disorders, neglect, PTSD, and more. I am so excited to be sharing this with you. Writing it out is so helpful, but knowing that just one person can and probably will read it, makes it so much better. It makes me feel finally heard. PSA there will probably be triggers for some in my stories, so please be aware of that.

You’re Okay

Home alone again.

It’s the hardest thing for me to be.

This subconscious fear.

This anxiety.

I fight hard to distract and be okay.

I know I’m okay.

I know I’m safe here.

I know when they’ll be home.

I know that they’ll be home.

I’m home alone again.

Nothing to worry about.

I want to cry.

I’m not sure why.

I can over come this too.

A new season I’m in.

A new season we are all in.

My new season is a trigger of a past season.

Remember Kelly you know what’s real.

They went to work.

They will be home.

They can’t wait to come home to you.

You know what time everyone will be home.

You are loved.

You are wanted.

They left home.

They didn’t leave you.

Most of all though.

Remember;

You’re okay.

Initial panic…

I am not sure how someone like me with P.o.T.S. is supposed to do things in life right now. One things we cannot do is stand, but almost everywhere we go right now seems like there is a line just to get in the door.

I totally get and understand why, and honestly appreciate how well our society is approaching the Coronavirus, even if our federal government is failing us. It just sucks. I hate need long special attention and I fear asking for accommodations to make my life a little easier.

I get annoyed when my love is always asking anymore, “Do you have a gluten free option?” To constantly need accommodating wherever I go is a little bit frustrating.

I seriously don’t need to bring attention to the fact that I have these issues every single time I’m anywhere new. I hate being the center of attention or that “picky” person.

My love though he is my hero like always and asks and now I’m starting to be okay with asking. I initially panicked when I pulled up to the BMV and saw the line to get in. I was like, “Oh no! What am I going to do? I can’t like go in that door without cutting in front of all these people, and I don’t want them to think I just skipped ahead of them. Oh man!”

You know I got out of Pria (my Prius) and walked to the front of the line and asked “Do we have to get a number?”, the other customers informed me of how it worked. I was replied, “oh I’m well if I stand in this line I may pass out because of a heart condition.”

Quite opposite of what I expected people were like “go inside this door and they’ll let you sit inside we don’t want you passing out.” People were actually understanding, not rude, and helped me get inside to a seat so I wouldn’t get sick unnecessarily.

It’s so hard for me to speak up for what I need. It’s extremely hard for me to get my needs met. When I was growing up I struggled with not only living in an environment that wasn’t very nurturing to the needs of my brother and I, but I now know Asperger’s Syndrome Autism and ADHD. Those conditions already make it hard to not only express needs, but to get them met.

If you don’t know how to ask for what you need, you won’t. If you do figure out how to speak up for what you need and you’re met with nothing but ridicule, and remarks of “get a job” or “want in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up faster”, you learn that what you initially thought to be true is true…”silence is best and you need nothing”.

Once you’ve been met with so much negativity around your needs you automatically assume that what you need is insignificant and that you don’t deserve anything.

I know that’s how it is for me. I’m so shocked that I got up the courage to ask, and quickly. Now I am sitting down waiting for my number to be called and I’m not having my heart race feeling like my blood is in my feet and I’m going to pass out.

Even though my heart was pounding like crazy getting out of my car knowing that I needed to ask that hard question, “What should I do?”, but I did it. I told security, she got me a seat, the lady got me a number and did my VIN check while I wait. She explained that I didn’t line jump that I was actually the next one to need a number. I was happy by this. I would have felt terrible if I got in before someone who had waited longer than me.

Love thank you once again for giving me the courage and confidence to do things like this for myself. You are a true leader. It’s because of your “annoying” example that I am getting secure in the fact that, “the whole world won’t end” if I ask for what I need.

Inside the BMV

20,000

Man it makes me cry.

I just want to help everyone.

It’s time to overcome my insecurities.

Believe in me because God believes in me.

Make videos.

Reach more.

Connect with people on the streets.

Detroit I’ve heard your cry.

I’m on my way.

I’ll try my best to help you out.

Maybe one of those old schools can start the process.

Lord I pray for you to guide my way.

Ending homelessness and hunger for ALL is of upmost importance.

20,000 cold.

20,000 hungry.

20,000 fearing for their lives.

20,000

20,000 brothers and sisters alone.

20,000

In one city is way too much.

20,000 beating hearts.

20,000 breathing lungs.

20,000

People.

I’m not sure what happened…

Just like that they’re both at work.

Young men starting their lives.

I’m alone.

Missing them.

Excited for them.

Proud of them.

Their very presence missed.

I’m not sure how this happened or why I encouraged it, but it’s here.

I miss them.

I wonder if they know.

I love them.

I am proud of them.

I love them.

I hope they know.

I can’t believe this day has come.

I prayed to give them these opportunities in life.

I’m pleased that we’ve made it this far.

I am sad to let them go though. My life changes every time theirs does.

This new season of life is here quicker than I thought it would be.

I miss them.

I wonder if they know?

Consequence for my decisions

Too often I had been told that my giving nature was a bad thing, then I found out that being nice and giving and serving others isn’t a bad thing, it’s using it on the wrong people that’s bad.

“But, Kelly everyone is deserving of kindness”, yes that is true. Kindness like love is to be freely given, but that doesn’t mean it is taken advantage of either.

I went through counseling over the last 4 years, been off the couch for 6 months now (whoa!), I would always hold firm to the belief that my giving spirit is just who I am and it makes me feel like me. It’s my happiness. My peace. My thing.

My counselor would reassure me that it’s okay to want to do for people, but not if the people I am doing for are hurting me, Will always hurt me, and have hurt me. That there was a population of people that would appreciate my “goodheartedness”.

I didn’t understand him at first, but then I began to realize that he was right. That the wrong people to serve were the very people who were hurting me in the first place. I thought I understood him then, but boy do I really understand now.

You see this past Thanksgiving after making the decision that I would only focus this gift on those who truly need this gift and will appreciate it. To use this gift of service and feeding and healing for the betterment of our society, not just a few in my life who decided it was theirs and theirs only, not even mine.

So on Thanksgiving we loaded up the Tesla and headed over to a mission in Chicago who I just found out had had some very serious discrimination allegations made, and because they don’t accept state or federal money (Catholic Mission) they are not being held to the same standards and are allowed to freely discriminate against who can even get a meal. Now because of this I refuse to take anything there that I cannot distribute to tent cities in and around Chicago, Northwest Indiana, and anywhere else I feel called…Detroit has been on my mind a lot lately, I wonder what’s up there…

You see how passionate I am about feeding people? I can’t even talk about Thanksgiving without ranting about the unfair discrimination from a place that claims to be founded and ran on “Christian” principles! I am a Christian and I don’t discriminate, I’m all inclusive, and that’s what Jesus taught me, “…red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in his sight, Jesus loves the little children of the world”…

Anyway back to Thanksgiving…

I had asked my little family if they would mind if instead of me cooking a full Thanksgiving meal since I knew we’d be having a feast later in the day, and we always feel bad when we are already too stuffed to eat once we get there, and I wasn’t feeling very well the last 8-12 months, so I just wasn’t up to cooking a big meal. My 3 loves were absolutely fine with it and actually really loved my replacement idea.

I thought, “Hey let’s get some blessing bags and necessities for the homeless donated and we will go pass them out on Thanksgiving and the items not accepted on the streets we will give at the mission.” They were excited to do so. We collected so many items and when we got to Chicago we found that the people I usually collect and they help me distribute for were already taken care of by very generous people. This made me my heart smile so big!

We had a great time! We really did. It was such an awesome way to spend thanksgiving morning. We headed back home, rested, and just like expected a feast later at my loves dad’s house. It really was a blessed day. I had been wanting to do this on Thanksgiving for some time now, so glad I got to see that the need is before Thanksgiving, and like we had been doing after the 1st of the new year.

By now you’re probably wondering what the problem is. You’re probably asking yourself, “Wasn’t this about you and you’re giving nature being bad?” Yes, yes it is.

You see this great day that obviously no one can see the problem in this day, this day was a huge turning point for me. Actually July 4th, 2019 was a huge turning point in my life. I mean once you’ve been to Pike’s Peak, are a donut at 14,000 ft elevation, and been proposed to, in what is what I believe to be the most healing and magical place in the world, there really is nothing in your life you cannot do.

View of the Rocky Mountains from Colorado Spring Colorado, July 4th 2019.

July 4th, 2019 that mountain changed my life in more ways than one. It probably actually started the day before during the trip up to the Alpine Visitor Center…yikes! Alpine Visitor Center road or Pike’s Peak Highway, Pike’s Peak for sure!!!!

Those mountains, making it to the top of mountain peaks is a very healing experience, trust me. For me I conquered a fear of heights, I even went back on 6/22/2020 and drove up to Pike’s Peak (mile 16 mandatory shuttle due to construction), I did it. No one else. I drove down too. Huge victory over my life right there.

That day my love, the love of my life proposed and made all those promises he’d been promising for so long a reality. I had waited so long. I was so shocked and so surprised when I realized he wasn’t just being an ass with that donut as a proposal, that he actually had a ring in his boot. I cannot even remember what he said, just he was red and tears running down his face too. He changed my life once again that day.

Little did we both know that, that proposal and that mountain would trigger so much in both of us, but for me another huge wave of healing was about to start unbeknownst to me.

When I got home and went to see my little sister, my mother, and my step-father. My mother she is literally just the woman who made me in my eyes now. If you’ve been following along and continue to follow along you’ll understand why. She wasn’t very interested as usual and had to steer the conversation a way that was beneficial to her. All she cared about was the size of the stone and her new grand baby. Not all that it took for me to get up that mountain to get that ring that I didn’t know about.

So I kept working in therapy and at home to keep putting boundaries up with her and he, to keep, “keeping it businesslike” so I wouldn’t be hurt. I was also working through some very real current hurts on top of past hurts and having her continue to hurt me was not allowable. So I kept working at it and was getting better with it with her.

A few days before Thanksgiving she text me to ask if I was cooking dinner. I told her that, “I decided that my family and I would spend the day serving the homeless in Chicago and that my little sister is welcome to join us if she’d like to”.

Side note I have a terrible time making decisions for me or anyone else. I am not looking for things to do with people or looking to tell people what to do because I cannot even decide what I should eat most days.

I swear I feel as am I’m writing this you and I are learning something about me at the same time.

Making decisions for me is so hard. I feel like every time I make a choice someone is let down. Someone isn’t happy. That I hurt someone in someway and I end up paying the price for it in the long run. So why like anything? Why want to do anything? Why be any different then the people around me? Because if I am there will be big consequences for it.

This decision that was very hard for me to make and I immediately felt guilt for, and actually caused problems in my family, from the moment I made it, because I just knew. I just knew what her wrath would be like.

Just after Thanksgiving I was scheduled for surgery and the day before I had asked her a question. And the conversation went south fast. I kept my calm though because I wanted her to see she couldn’t get me worked up. I wanted my growth to be known. Then she said something that set me so far back in my progress.

It set me so far back! I don’t think anyone even realizes how far it set me back. I mean behaviors have gotten worse, feelings of insecurity are taking over, and it’s all because of her I’m sure. That day before my surgery exactly 5 months since I came down off that beautiful, beautiful mountain, my life was broken again.

That day she told me, “your brother and you better be damned lucky I didn’t give you up for adoption when I knew I couldn’t take care of you anymore!”

Soul crushed!

In that moment as my youngest son, who I adopted along with his brother, stood by my side as slowly made my way to the floor in tears.

“No she I am not in anyway lucky! All I ever wanted was a better home. To not be hungry. To not be hurt. To be loved. To have an opportunity. I wasn’t lucky with her.”

I was so mad and I responded with, “No we are not lucky, lucky is what my sons were, they got an opportunity to be loved by a woman who would walk through heaven and hell with them; not use, abuse, and abandon them”.

I kept her at a very long distance. Even though she is only 4 minutes down the road. I cannot wait to move away from her and here. It’s a lot of mental effort to keep her at a “long distance” when she is so close (again something no one gives me credit for because they don’t know how much work it takes).

It doesn’t mean I don’t feel the effects. I believe I’m grieving more than anything. I think I realize that now. I recently told her and my step-father to take that “long fucking walk off that short fucking pier”, to use their quote against them. Maybe I should have told them to, “tie a rope with a rock to your foot so you’ll sink faster”—assholes—yes I used to hear that whenever I’d voice a complaint or make a request or whatever, amongst other things. I told them, “You don’t get to deny what you did to me, either of you. None of it. You don’t get to do that to me. You don’t get to tell people that my truth is a lie when you were the ones doing and allowing it. You can take your shame and guilt to the grave with you. I’m tired of you controlling my life like this. You don’t get to ruin it anymore. You’ve ruined my life already now I want you to stop doing it. I want to marry the love of my life, not have him resent me. I want to be happy, and as long as I even know you exist I just cannot be free from your guilt and shame. You don’t get this control over me anymore.”

A couple days later on 6/22/2020 when we were supposed to be camping at home, but it was cancelled due to a storm cell coming in, we were spontaneously in Colorado, this time I drove to the top of that mountain. I may have liked at the top, but I made it up and down. I literally moved another mountain in my life. I closed a door and gave myself permission to lock it and throw away the key.

If there is one thing I have learned to be true living a life solely based on the faith that God will get you through is not easy, but it is truly the only thing I’ve ever had. I’m pretty certain that God said forgiveness is for me not for them. They have to seek their own forgiveness and I cannot forgive them if their ultimate sin. All I can do is forgive, try to reconcile, and if reconciliation fails, know that God had that planned all along too.

Now I’ve climbed that mountain again. This time with the love of my life in the passenger seat and my youngest son in the back. My oldest at home starting the newest chapter in his book with a new job, and me looking forward to actually planning a wedding. I cannot wait to be dancing with him that night. I have so many slow songs planned because that’s the only way I’ll get him in the dance floor, and that’s okay cause his arms are the safest and nicest place to be.

I have a couple insecurities that clearly just decided to read their ugly head again, probably because of what I’m dealing with in another area of life. I’m sorry that they do get the best of me and they cause me not to trust, but once you’ve been hurt a certain way before it can take a really long time to believe it won’t happen again.

So when the consequence of making a choice is big dramatic over the top responses like this, it’s no wonder I fear that every choice I make will be the end of the world. I am trying to fight this feeling so much. I want to make choices. I want to be able to ask for the things I need or want even. But I’m scared to. I know that it causes unnecessary stress, but what if I let my guard down all the way? What then?

Do I get the love and help that I need or do I get ridiculed and demeaned for not being able to do it myself? I’m not sure yet? I’m trying to figure it out. I guess I just need people willing to be in my life a lifetime showing me that it’s okay for me to want and get my basic of basic needs met. I try so darn hard to only do for myself. I don’t want anyone’s money or guilt.

These people have made it such a bad thing for me to have decisions or a life that wasn’t theirs. I fear that if I don’t plan a wedding the way everyone expects it to be then there will be terrible consequences. I imagine people taking about how much money was probably spent or judging the decor or whatever. I fear that people will think I’m spoiled or the center of attention. I fear all of things and so much more. Over the last year and having to do what I have had to do with my parents, it’s been a very hard topic to discuss for us.

I know that this most recent trip up and down that mountain have lead me to say and to do some things I wouldn’t normally do, but I’m glad I got it out of my system quick, because I have way better things to do in my life than to let my insecurities drive my actions.

I used to be secure in my new life, because I knew that God sent it to me, he promised me long before I got here. I’m pretty certain I seen my love in my dreams before I met him. I think because I still hadn’t released myself of them yet I couldn’t be truly free of it. Now I feel like there is nothing I can’t do. Like I should be saying, “Watch me now bitches…” but I won’t, 😂

I’m excited to plan a wedding that isn’t cheap for cheap sake. After a very wonderful and sweet woman heard me talking to her daughter and just listening, she wouldn’t let me pray before I left her house. I knelt beside her as she held my hand, and some how she knew exactly what to pray, and I the word that came out of her mouth could have only have been put on her heart by the one who truly knows mine.

She’s right you know? I am loved by so many, but my insecurities are keeping me from that love. If you all could just remember to remind me that my insecurity is showing it will help me. Imma huge “reality therapy fan”, don’t sugar coat and please don’t be vague.

Because of my mothers inability to live correctly, my step-father and his inability to love appropriately, and my “sperm-donor” (bio father) being in and out of prison as a child and him and his sins, it’s kind of hard to trust that anyone will ever just love you correctly no strings attached. That they’ll just love you expecting nothing and keep you forever. It’s so hard to feel worthy of that security. That stability. It’s a natural desire that all of us have. So congratulations I’m normal, I guess.

I can only try to fight my fears of it all being a “waste of time, energy, and money, because it’s not going to last forever anyway, because no one ever loves me forever or ever truly loved me anyway, they just love what they can get from me…” type thing. The thing is though until recently I don’t think I actually had the “freedom” I needed to be free of that mindset.

I do now think I have the freedom from the very things that were holding me back, from being free of this. Does it mean I won’t have hard days were it’s easy to feel these things? No. It just means I’ll cope and move on, not let it run my life.

If there is one thing my love is that I am not it is patience. I want my problems to be solved now. Right now. I want to do the work hardcore and it to perfect the skill instantly. In reality though this is a process and even if he and my sons don’t believe it I am so thankful that I am going through. I’m sorry it’s scary sometimes, but remember how scary it used to be?

Remember how terrifying it was when I decided to let the three of you really love me? Thanks for going through all this with me. We moved another mountain in my life, together, again as a family, and I’m so thankful.

Now here’s to wedding planning and not dreading it. She doesn’t get that control anymore. I was excited a long time ago at the thought of marrying my love and even though we’ve done life together and it’s not been easy, I’d still choose him over and over again, so I guess that’s saying something.

I have learned that the ones worth my energy and “good heartedness” are the ones who God intended me to love enough to change their lives. I will continue to dedicate myself to my charitable business to end homelessness.

I cannot wait to have raised enough money to start building my first homeless rehabilitation and prevention center, free of discrimination of any kind.

For now I’ll keep sleeping very little to figure out how to raise the money, where the needs are, feed, and connect with the homeless and so many others in need.

I knew I was called to work with the homeless since I was 7, so I will use this gift to help those who truly need it, and that is what makes some people mad. That’s okay because this is what I’m called to do. I’m called to love and to serve others. Such a fulfilled life it can be.

Allowing myself to feel this live and to be living in my true spirit of giving I am allowing myself to feel loved and secure again…slowly…but I’m getting there again. Working with the homeless and planning a wedding seem to me a great way to focus on love.

Insecurity

Tiring.

Exhausting.

What’s real?

What isn’t?

Whats he think?

Whats she saying?

What are they looking at?

Not good enough.

Not pretty enough.

Too loud.

Too quiet.

I’ve heard them both.

Too kind.

Too gentle.

Too caring.

Too compassionate.

Too aggressive.

Too loud.

I’ve heard it all.

Too ugly.

Too fat.

Too tall.

Too “boyish”.

Too dramatic.

Talks too much.

Laughs too loud.

Loves too hard.

Too faithful.

Too loyal.

Cries too much.

Know it all.

User.

Loser.

Fatty.

Bitch.

Spoiled.

Brat.

Worthless.

No good.

Ditzy.

Dumb.

Blonde.

What happened to my name?

I’m certain they forgot it.

I love you.

Buy me this.

I love you.

Do this.

No!

Fine you don’t love me.

Their voices.

Their words.

My head.

One way…

One way I have healed, continue to heal, and obviously dealt with my life as it was happening is by giving to those in need.

Over the last two years I have single handily organize the collection and distribution of over 2,000 items to the homeless and those in need (well those brave enough to ask).

What started off as gift baskets for new moms…Grandma finally spoke up about the real need without shame. I am paying for help like this out of my personal finances. This is why we’ve started fundraising.

I have come to find out the reason why I felt God has called me to this since a young age. I feel it’s because the missions we have now, especially those acting in the name of God, are so discriminatory and that is opposite to God’s love.

A small portion was kept for blessing bags, everything else was delivered to two “tent cities” in Chicago on 6/18/2020, thank you to Living Grace Church of Merrillville Indiana and MeMe’s Place of Crown Point Indian, and all the individual donors as well. We will have that vehicle and trailer soon. I’ve run out of floor space 😁 great problem to have!!!

I believe God knows I will love anyone and everyone no matter who they are, where they have been, or where they are going just like He loves them, even if they don’t love Him. Because God’s love is free and universal. You don’t have to earn it you already have it and everyone is deserving of being loved the way God loves them, without borders or conditions.

We need more blessing bag items. Think lunch box foods, hand sanitizers, bags, toilet paper, and more. Thanksgiving 2019

If you’d like to see pictures of what we’ve been doing so far please check the gallery on the Freely Love page of this website. If you’d like to support our efforts please head to our fundraiser group please do so, Freely Love Outreach Fundraiaing Group, we are currently raffling off $10 Dunkin’ Donuts gift card. $1 an entry, 5 for $4.

$1 a ticket, 5/$4

Since I have been working so diligently over the last week to raise money for our first vehicle so I can go mobile, I have felt a tremendous amount of freedom and have even found some strength to tell the two most toxic people in my life to just go away and leave me alone, and feel good about it.

Serving…

I find that I am happiest and at my truest peace when I am serving others in any capacity. Even the smallest of gestures that make someone smiles really just fills me with joy. I guess when you give with a joyful heart your cup flows over with joy.

I’m working so hard to meet the needs of the most vulnerable communities, especially the homeless and at risk communities. I have been working so hard over the last two years reading laws and collecting items and trying to figure out what is the best way to go about this whole charity. It’s been countless hours and sometimes, like now, exhausting.

The only thing that keeps me from my goals with Freely Love Outreach is my inability to be confident in me. I guess my doubt for this is a like doubting God since I know he called me to do this, I should just trust that he’ll provide it all.

I’ve officially started fundraising something I haven’t done in the two years I’ve been collecting and distributing items of need to the homeless and those in need. I am opening a bank account for the charity and so many wonderful things are starting to happen.

I have a short term goal of purchasing some kind of vehicle/trailer in order to become a “mobile pantry”. I am reading so many bad things about the places I’ve been serving that I’m torn between giving them the items or just handing them out myself. I want to take the mission mobile. Meet people where they are.

I imagine eventually having Tesla Semi Trucks, but in the short term it would be awesome to purchase a Tesla Cyber truck with the cook/prep tops. That way I could haul the pantry and offer at hot meal. That’s not cheap. I’m a single stay-at-home-mom I cannot do this without the support of the community.

Please check out the small gallery of what we’ve been doing on the Freely Love Outreach page. Also head on over to Facebook and join the fundraising group; Freely Love Outreach Fundraising Group, and help us make life a little brighter for someone else.