All posts by Kelly Ge

About Kelly Ge

I'm just a mom trying to heal myself from my traumatic past. Sharing my journey through the past, my current struggles, my life with you. I hope to heal myself through sharing my stories of hardships and how I have or am overcoming them. Telling the truth about the lifelong effects of childhood adversities, abuse, eating disorders, neglect, PTSD, and more. I am so excited to be sharing this with you. Writing it out is so helpful, but knowing that just one person can and probably will read it, makes it so much better. It makes me feel finally heard. PSA there will probably be triggers for some in my stories, so please be aware of that.

Downgrade

I told my Love this morning that, “after being on a low for the last couple days, a pretty tough one, and waking up feeling like I’m reaching that middle going back to the high that people are going to make fun of me.”

He heard what I had to say about it, which is way less detail now, “they called me bipolar and made fun of me about it at these times, I’m scared you guys will too when I start to come back up. But I am Bipolar and I understand now,” he basically responded with, “we all understand that, and we don’t want to hurt you like those people did. They meant to hurt you, we do not.” I suffer from panic disorder because of the PTSD and we agree that because my lows are so few and far between that I panic when I have them, I make make them harder than they have to be because I’m panicking about them. Like I told him, “I’ll figure it out. I always do.”

I hear him and sometimes my little Loves only explain to me when I’m scared and confused, “you’re okay, you’re safe, there is nothing to be scared about, no one is going to hurt you…” and for some reason these last couple times my Love has slipped in there something along the lines of, “this moment is just because you are bipolar and it’s okay” he told me today that I “panic when these days come”, I wholeheartedly agree with him.

I’m glad that he is doing this because as I write this I realize that he is using a technique that my counselor has taught he and I, “Reality Therapy”, it is extremely helpful. For some reason I don’t get mad at him for saying this to me, I just let the tears fall and melt into him, because I believe him even though everything inside of me is telling me to run and not trust him. I realistically know he is genuine because without thinking I respond the way I do; quiet down, melt, and tears falling. Needing and wanting and allowing myself to feel his embrace. And even though I may circle back around and we have to do it all over again, we do, do it all over again…together.

I feel like my growth has been huge. I feel like I am aware of my highs and lows. I feel like I’m okay saying, “I’m not sure what’s wrong with me. I don’t know what I’m feeling…” Maybe I should become okay with saying,

“A long or steep downgrade is coming and I’m not sure the percentage or for how long, I just see the signs. And I most definitely do not know how rough the ride will be or if you’ll need the runaway truck zone, but I know you have to go down to go up.” (I hope my traveling buddies like that)

A bikini

I’m not sure what I’ve become. I am healing that’s what’s going on.

I’ve learned it’s okay to be this free, now I am starting to believe it.

My first initial reaction seeing this on was, “oh my goodness I look terrible”, then I reminded myself my 16 year old son was getting disappointed in the local Wal-Mart that they didn’t have swimsuit for me (his first time traveling at an age old enough to understand how a tourist town works 😂, he loves tourism by the way).

They were about to close, I finally found bottoms. But tops?

Um do you see what I was left with. He found it. And I was like, “um Joe I’m not sure I’ll look good in that. He’s silent for a moment, (just like his dad not because they are thinking of the right answer, but because they need a moment to process their own feelings) says to me, “we are going to a hot tub to chill, you are okay, wear that because I want to go in a hot tub with you”.

You see ladies your children need you to be this confident, daughters and sons alike. They never see you as fat or ugly or anything. To them you are the most beautiful woman in the world; yes even with every “flaw” you find. This confidence has been because of these “two and a half men” I’ve been given.

I see that abdomen and I think “Wow! If people only knew the history behind this body. The scars on my abdomen visible. The flabby skin. The dimples. The cellulite. If only they saw…wait why the hell do they have to see anything?! I am unapologetically me and my son thinks I’m beautiful”. So ladies/moms/grandmas it’s okay to have hesitation, but don’t hold yourself back. It is the best thing you can do for you, and the little people who look up to you and follow your lead.

By the way the hot tub was to full and my little love decided not to get in the pool, so needless to say this went on and came off dry. I love my Aspie ❤️

A lot of work has gone into not seeing this as fat, effort and energy are used to believe it. 4/15/2021 bathing suit put together by my 16yo.

Did you know?

Did you know I run a homeless street ministry?

No?

Now you do!

It’s called Freely Love Outreach and I with the community’s help do a lot of good. So many items donated and distributed since 2019, I believe somewhere around 6,000 items.

Now I need a truck that I can frame and put a drawer system for food, socks, underwear, hygiene products, and more. And if space allows hanging racks for clothing. The idea is that each person would be able to come in and “shop” for exactly what they need.

This mobile pantry wouldn’t only serve the homeless as I am homeless and prevention services. So one way to prevent homelessness is to go areas of poverty and provide the essentials, so the poor can pay their bills.

Together we can end and prevent hunger and homelessness, one-step-at-a-time. The next step for us is a truck, then we’ll talk about our first property.

If you’d like to check us out on Facebook at Freely Love Outreach please do so. You can see pictures, keep up with the bank account balance, fundraisers, items for sale, food and supply drives and so much more.

If you’d just like to donate directly you can make a donation through CashApp $FreelyLoveOutreach

Thank you all for your generous support. This is my way of healing myself and doing what I live to do; give. But now I’m giving to the right people not the wrong people.

Your help feeding people is your way of living people from a distance. Your love is felt by them with every bite, every warm glove, every hand watery, ever sip of water…your love is felt. Keep loving them. I believe when we love strangers, we are blessed more than we could ever imagine.

“We only know what we are taught…”

Today is way better than Friday. Did I fail when I struggled with a trigger ?

Not at all, even though it felt like I was failing. In all reality “some things came up that were good and necessary and ultimately healing, so therefore it is therapy”.

In the moment it does not feel like “therapy” and it definitely does not feel like a “good thing”, but it has proven over the last 3 years to in fact be very healing and better off for me.

I’ve learned some very scary realities through those break downs.

I’ve worked through them. I’ve caused damage along the way.

I‘ve learned to not take responsibility for others faults or actions/inactions that have caused problems.

I’ve learned to speak up for myself, and I’m learning to do it appropriately.

I’m just learning what relationships look like and how they work in therapy and my doctors office. I’m literally being taught that relationships “ebb and flow” that “they are not a consistent feeling, because feelings change every day.”

I’m being taught that it’s like, “Dancing the Cha-Cha; one comes forward, the other goes back, the other comes forward, the other goes back, and sometimes, hopefully most of the time, they meet in the middle, but once in a while we have to back and forth from the middle so one person doesn’t feel smothered or overwhelmed, and that it goes both ways. It’s okay, normal, healthy, and necessary.”

I mean I’m 36 years old and have no clue how this works so I learn about it. It’s kind of embarrassing, but you know what I don’t think I have anything to be embarrassed about because we only know what we are taught and if we were never taught we don’t know, at least that my philosophy.

Remember my loves if you are like me 30 something or 40 something or whatever something just figuring things out about what makes you tick. Why you are the way you are. You will also learn the real you, you will still be you always you, but you will be the better version of you, you know the version you feel you are.

When you stumble and have a bad day, know that you are not alone. Imagine I’m standing next to you, holding your hand, saying, “You are strong. You are beautiful. You are loved. You are cherished. You are good. You are worthy. You are courageous. You are healing. You are growing. I love you. I am proud of you. And it’s a good thing!”

I have people telling me that and you may not, but now you do. I will always be your cheerleader. I’ve been on the defense with a cheering section, now you have a cheering section too.

Just like in football you can fumble the ball and recover it too.

The clergy coaching network shared this.

My Life

This is my life.

My life only.

I may shame my life with you,

But this is my life.

I draw the lines.

This is my life.

I say who comes

And who goes.

This is my life.

I have power.

This is my life.

I have say.

This is my life.

I am in charge.

This is my life.

I am in control of me.

This is my life.