I think if I could actually just sleep I’d be a lot better. You know if I could just close my eyes and not be tormented for once in my life?
I can’t tell you what it is that has me awaken feeling like I need to run. I need to go far away. I’m not sure why I awaken with this feeling of panic, fear, and anxiety.
I said it this morning. It just rolled off my tongue with tears in my eyes (of course), “My subconscious knows that my conscious self is so my subconscious is attacking me the only way it can.”
It’s so true I see it now, clearly why it came pouring out of my mouth like it did, no thought behind it, just came out. And in that moment not only did I feel like, “Hey I really am in control here”, and like I could and should celebrate the fact that I have come so far that I cannot be attacked while awake anymore.
Sure there is the occasional PTSD trigger for me, but for the most part I am in control of my conscious self now. That was the goal of therapy. When I am upset and nervous about being upset I try so hard to consciously fight everything going on inside my head and body.
The shaking, the tightening chest muscles, the overwhelming amount of sweat pouring from my body, feeling like my face is on fire…I fight through it, consciously inside saying, “hey you’re okay, you can be upset, it’s okay”, but everything in my head is spinning out of control and I can’t fight my subconscious, but in a panic attack with Autism and ADHD my head is spinning so fast that I try to navigate it all.
I haven’t had a lot exposure to people or stressful situations that weren’t hurtful and hurting me. So I’ve only learned how navigate this all at a young age and as an adult it’s hard. I try. I fail.
If I could sleep maybe I’d have some more strength. If I could sleep maybe I’d me be again. A peaceful restful sleep is all I need.