Doctor, doctor…

At the doctor today. It seems like just a couple months ago I was here for my depression. I’m here again. More so because my panic attacks are causing me depression.

When I panic I fear that all will walk away. I fear that this episode that will push them all away from me.

Fear drives panic and panic drives fear. It’s a never ending vicious cycle. So today I sit here courageously doing again what I thought I would never do, get medication.

I used to fear some of these drugs. I still do, but as a believer in medicine I believe that when all other therapies don’t work, pharmaceuticals are probably the next tool I need in my tool box. It’s foolish to not utilize the tools available to us when we need them.

So today’s agenda something to handle the panic attacks that is quick and effective. Hopefully sleep is the result from that.

6 thoughts on “Doctor, doctor…

  1. I’m so sorry you had to get medicine for your depression..but then again I was on medicine for 2 years after I had Eva..cause of me and my mom after I had her mt mom would have bickering fights with me and I’d cry..tell me I wasn’t doing this good enough or that..she told me I needed I went to the doctor..I got it..and by golly I quit mt goddamn crying so she wouldn’t see it..she would say to me I needed to stop crying..she didn t know why I was WHY??? Lol.. Seriously..when you just have a baby or in a very emotional state yeah and have someone bicker over what ur not doing then ok see how happy u are ..I tried to talk back with her too tried to stand up nope with her her voice gets higher and she has to win..but I couldn’t cry she said calm down babies startle easily..I did realize that cause I held Eva sometimes when wed have it out..and Eva cried if I raised my stinks it does..but I took myself off of it this year..sense me and her don’t talk..we hardly see one another..hardly do things like we did..its ok though..but see Kelly u shouldn’t feel upset you have to go on medication for it at all theres a lot of people on it..yes there’s side effects to some ..some people it helps others its doesnt..I was on Welbutrion I loved was mt 1st depression medicine..I needed something cause yes I was in my.mind a lot after having Eva and getting left and how like in ways I felt mt parents didnt want Eva round before when I was pregnant they weren’t expecting a grandbaby yes but ive always wanted kids..they love her now..but it hurt me with alot of things but now idk if I will or wont have another baby cause of some things ..I’m happy where I’m at 1 is good for me..but still I wouldve liked more loving grandparents more accepting like when I was pregnant instead of making me feel like I was an outkast I already felt like that fot left at 3 months along..but with this family shoot its why my brother I hope to God still continues to wait to have kids..I swear if mt mom goes to his baby shower I will flip bitch..but I think its also why my brother has waited our family is torn and hes not married etc..I get it..anyways sorry for long comment didnt mean for it to be this long ..I will always be here for you..just write me up if need be!!! Loves you


    1. When someone has a baby they go through PPD and your mom is a “nurse” she should know that. Let me tell you the hardest thing to do in life is stand up for yourself. People never will like it, but if they really love you they’ll help you not hurt you. I’m so proud of you for standing up for her. And don’t be sorry that you got to feel how much your daughter loved you even at that age. She loved you so much that you were upset and she was upset that her mommy was upset. That is love right there. She helped you keep it together as much as you did. You are way better off without your mother, just like I am with mine.


      1. That is very true we are better off without our mothers..we are better people cause of it I can be a better mother without her telling me how to raise my own kid..or I mean yeah I will listen to advice but don’t tell me how just like give advice ..if need be..yes yes she did love me through it all when I was upset she sure did..and I really tried a lot not to cry and even just cry a bit not let myself cry for like a good length or get wayy upset..but she surely did love me through all of it and I appreciate her loves but man ..all ik is depression isn’t an easy road and dad when during my times of depression would go” its your choice you can come out of it ” you got yourself in it..I say sometimes its not that easy ..he doesnt. Understand cause he doesn’t understand how like emotional people really can be over just anything he gets irritated about it I think..but he gets sad he just doesnt show it he’s all like trying to be giddy a lot..which this is what gets me too I wish men would show emotion sometimes ive never seen dad cry ..if he brings up old storied of his dad or mom he might have small tears but no not all out crying..I think men think cause they have to be the big guys and all they feel they have to cry behind closed doors they don’t want to show there woman there tears it may make them look weak..where me if say I had a spouse and he cried id be talking to him bout be ok if he was emotional about things one says have to be strong all the time..I feel like sometimes women only have emotions..I get a man to cry is something else..I mean I’m not trying to be mean by all means I’m just being serious and even men get depressed but they try to go about it differently then us women of course..they dont like get all into there emotions like we do..but men dont wanna do that cause they rather not think about how they are feeling is how I feel..its how I think I should say..but idk mybe I’m wrong..Ughh..


      2. Most people don’t understand that depression is chronic and if given a choice we’d choose to be free of it if it was that easy. Those of us who suffer we totally understand your struggles. I’m starting to celebrate the small things, like eating a whole meal.


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