You know sometimes being triggered can be really productive. Being triggered by a discussion, a seemingly harmless conversation usually defeats me, not tonight though. I did cry and that’s okay, but I’m pretty certain I’ve figured something very beneficial out.
Tonight’s trigger made me realize why I want to run away from those that love me most whenever there is the slightest bit of tension in my relationships.
Maybe my parents should have rethought the words, “If you don’t like it leave. Stop your bitching or move the fuck out. Cry and complain, cry and complain Kelly if it’s really that bad and you don’t like it that much just go to Nikki’s and don’t come home. Shut up and only speak when you’re spoken to. If you don’t like it tough shit do it anyway.”
I think I panic during tension in my relationships because I fear being pushed aside and forgotten about just because of a bad day or two. Like I am not worthy of someone going through all the things of life with me like I would do for them.
I totally love people so much that I’d lay my life down for people I love and I think everyone is worthy of that kind of love. Yet, because of my parents I learned that everyone is everyone else, but me.
The best thing about telling her to, “Take an Long fucking walk off a short fucking pier”, and allowing myself to really grieve the loss of my parents (yes I know they are alive, no difference though), is that I am starting to remember who does love me. I’m at that stage of grief where you decide to take back your life.
The point where even though you may need to talk it through out loud and internally practice your coping mechanisms, all while allowing yourself to feel the overwhelming emotion, all while trying to stay in reality, and saying “I am so afraid you three here will just push me aside and forget about me too”.
Personally for me I’ve prayed and worked hard to get to a point where I could become my own counselor. When my loves aren’t around these past couple days I’ve been practicing a new technique.
If I have a negative thought I will combat it with a truth that I have been told. Maybe it’s confirming statement like, “yes you are difficult to love some days, but so is everyone somedays.”
Then I follow it up with an example of when someone I love was difficult to love. Maybe it’s a time when my then 8 year was stripping his clothes off at 8 pm every night regardless of where we were just because of sensory overload. Maybe it’s when some said something that hurt my feelings. Just anything really that made that person difficult to love; a behavior, a comment, an action or inaction. Whatever it may be.
Once I identify that moment I then ask myself a very important question, “Did you still love them afterwards?” The answer is yes, and if it is ever anything other than that it will be time to examine why; that’s what happened with my parents. I felt no love for them and I needed to understand why. I mean I love them as people and wish only the best for them, but there is no real like daughter-parent type love there. I examined why and I made that decision 2 months ago, life is getting better and better every day because of it.
I then ask myself, “how does it make you feel when so-and-so is hard to love?” I identify how I feel and say to myself, “if you feel this way what do you think they feel? Why would they feel any differently than you would? If this hurts you why wouldn’t it hurt them?”
Asking myself these things helps be able to understand the most important thing at the end of it all, that just like me, just because I don’t like something or someone for that moment it doesn’t mean I don’t love them, and that is no different for me.
It’s okay for someone to be mad at me and not like me so much in that moment, without me thinking they’re going to banish me from their life and kick me out of my home, and take everything I have and love away from me forever. That what was my normal was extreme and what normal is to have healthy tension and get through it in healthy ways.
Running is not healthy and I don’t like feeling like I want to run away before someone has the chance to throw me away. I am so thankful to God for all the triggers He gives me, because I learn from them. It may take a long time to figure out what He is trying to reveal to me, but I do know if I am continually fighting the same demon and I’m failing and failing and failing, I better listen harder because I’m probably missing Gods voice in there somewhere.
I am also so thankful that God led me to the counselor He did. He is a progressive type counselor and his goal is to get you off his couch and out in the world (that’s how I summarize what he does), and he uses a technique called Reality Therapy. It is the very technique I just walked through with you. Just consider it “A Day in the Life Of Kelly” type thing.
Again another conversation that ended in tears; what’s new with me right? This time the tears and the pain was very productive. Once I’m aware, usually if I make my love and little loves aware one of them will hug me, but all three of them know what and how to help me fight for my freedom.