Another day…

It’s just another day for me. I try so hard. There are very real feelings in me and I don’t know how to handle and navigate them all.

I can’t go one day though it seems without tears or something happening. I feel like I can’t catch a break and never will.

Life is so hard for me sometimes. It’s a struggle somedays. When I’m feeling good and being myself I fear that I’m being judged and worry about what others will think if I do this or that, or don’t do this or that.

I live under so much pressure to always be better than what I am today. I live under the pressure of trying to balance it all…make it all work…keep it together.

I’ve been the strong independent one taking care of everyone including myself since I was a child. Do you know that in third grade when my grandfather was dying I missed almost my whole school year caring for him? For some odd reason everyone thought I’d rather be at home being my grandfather’s caregiver (along with grandma) instead of in school making friends and learning.

I’ve had to always do for myself. Fight for myself. Fend for myself. When my brother and I disagreed we were encouraged to fight it out instead of parents helping us work it out together. Now I’m scared to even interact with my nieces even though it has been one of my greatest desires and fights to do. I just can’t get over fear of our relationship. My fear and anxiety surrounding people from my family and my past is crippling and ruins my life most days.

My CPTSD is crippling and some days I can’t even get out of bed and will not eat because I just can’t emotionally do it.

I don’t know how to be loved. I know how to love and I know what it takes to make people feel loved, but I don’t know how to let someone love me. I know it sounds weird, but it’s true.

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