When does it end?

Yesterday was one of those days where I just stayed in my room. I allowed myself to not eat for over 24hours which is not good. I did however manage to shower and get dressed, only to go right back to bed.

Consequence of the night before. I’m not certain how it happens or why it happens, but those freak-outs are not cool! When does it end? Seriously! When?!

I feel so detached from my body during them. Like I’m not in control. I’m just watching it all happen wishing it would just end. Wanting it stop. Willing it to, and it doesn’t!

My heart pounding in my head. Sweating. Shaking. Tears pouring down my face. A level of loudness that clearly I don’t realize how loud it is. Panic. Head spinning. The room is spiraling out of control.

I must move. I cannot be still. Flail my hands. Louder still! Can’t someone help me? Please just make this stop!

Embarrassed and ashamed I hate myself after. No one deserves to live like this, especially the ones I love. I don’t understand why they just won’t let me go. They cancel important dates and remind me how close they are to being able to leave home, but I am not allowed to leave them.

They don’t understand. I have never wanted to be the one who hurts the ones she loves. I still don’t want to be. So I want to go away from them so they’ll be free from these moments. So they can live peacefully, without the broken woman.

I love them more than they know. I love them enough to sacrifice a life with them, just so they can’t say I fucked them up someday. So he can’t say I ruined his life. So he doesn’t regret the choice he made. He and they are worth so much more than me.

A broken mom is what I had. I never wanted them to have one too. 5 days to 8 year gotcha day and instead of focusing on that special day, all I can see now is how much better they’d be if I was to just to walk away.

A broken past leads to a broken present. No matter how much effort I’ve already put in, I’ll always be broken. I continue to try. I’m humble enough to admit my flaws and apologize. But I’m not willing to hurt anyone along the way. I’ve done that enough since this process began. He and they should have never loved me the way they did.

2 thoughts on “When does it end?

  1. But you should let them love you you should feel it and let it in..because yes its hard and its very trying at times..but your such a good woman and u help so many people and u should allow yourself to feel the love by your spouse and your kids..and you should just take it all in..cause you deserve to you have given so much in life not to feel that great word..u go above for anyone and u also put urself second because u are like me like putting others first..then we can get to us next..but I loves you too your my family my best friend my only REAL friend ..and yes I believe in you ur a strong woman you are for everything you have been through and how now you see life its not your fault st all nothing is sweetie..I love that your writing and this is your time to tell your story this is your time..I’m proud of you for doing it..its hard to go back and write about life like that true events but then again least its out in the open ..your letting others know its okay to tell there story too..letting them see how hard it is but hey reading the story or hearing the story is what it is the truth..its how it gets out..how you get to that peace..and I’m proud of you writing I am..I loves you girl..

    Liked by 1 person

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