Panic This A.M.

It never fails, it seems. Something I’m excited for can cause me a panic attack. It keeps me from doing things in my life and it affects the people I love. I am conscious of it though and that is the best thing for me.

Being conscious of the problem and realizing what’s happening at the moment it is happening is huge progress for me. Today’s panic attack wasn’t me yelling, maybe I said something I didn’t mean, but by the time my love got up off the couch and walked to the kitchen and embraced me I was able to say, “I am panicking about a lot of things”. He lovingly reminded me that it’s all okay and I was able to bounce back so quickly and move on with my day.

Sure there was tears, sure I was shaky, and sure I felt the urge to scream, but I didn’t. That’s huge. I am a firm believer in CBT because of the behavior modification part. The part of CBT where you have to actively apply what is said to you in that room while you’re on the couch, and apply it to your everyday life in between weekly sessions and report back…I actually really enjoyed that part.

I did my “homework” per say, and now today I am actively noticing what is happening inside my body and applying those coping mechanisms i was taught in 4 years of counseling (that should have been taught to me when I was a child by my parents), and almost 4 years of being loved by the most patient man I have ever known.

I also added some medication back in February for my mood disorder and I am finally starting to be able to feel mentally steady and calm, so I can really feel what’s going on in reality and I know I don’t like what I see sometimes so I tell myself, “I don’t like that about me, so I’m going to become a better version of me”, then I try to do just that…

Become a better version of me. The version I know is possible. I’m making me who I am. My love is my teammate and supporter in this. My little loves they are my number one fans and they let me know it all the time. I’m pretty certain if the 3 of them believe that there is nothing I can’t do, then there really is nothing I can’t do.

So that panic attack this morning had no victory over my day. I feel this deserves a treat 😉

My heroes

Did I ever tell you that my sons are my heroes? No? That’s surprising, it’s all over my Facebook and Instagram. They really are.

You see 17 almost 18 years ago I never would’ve expected life to go the way it has. It has been full of surprises and twists and turns. It’s been full of battles ending in tears wondering if it’s worth it. Wondering if I am making mistakes, but holding firm on what I thought was right. They saved me as much as I saved them.

I’ve been blessed enough to go from “Aunt Kelly” to “Mom” in the last almost 18 years of my oldest sons life. I never thought when he was born I’d be his mom, my youngest though I should’ve seen it when I dressed him in the NICU and carried him out of the hospital. These last 8 years of being their mom has really put in to motion some much needed healing for me. Loving them meant they love me. A reciprocal unconditional love.

These last 3 years though they have done even more growing and loving. I met my love almost 4 years ago and my healing and growth has just been so substantial, I still have way more to go, but my guys love so hard. I am not sure who taught my loves so much about unconditional love, but I’m so glad I’m on the receiving end.

My sons began saving my life 8 years ago when I had to learn how to love them properly. I had to be calm and bite my lip and hold my tongue. I had to be able to be vulnerable without being weak. I had to share my own stories that I never knew I’d have to tell that could be reassuring and comforting, but I did. I didn’t realize my own abuses until I started saying, “I’m sorry buddy but that is not right and you definitely didn’t deserve that”.

I guess by parenting them and hearing their stories and making home a healing place, I realized that if it wasn’t okay when it happened to them, then it wasn’t okay when it happened to me either. I was their mom for 3 years before I started getting involved with therapy of my own, and 4 years before I started a full progressive therapy program.

I knew that if I wanted them to heal, that if I wanted them to believe they can overcome and learn to live a free life that I had to show them it was possible. That I had to become free, but free of what exactly? I just knew inside I was hurting from the couple things that my whole life wouldn’t leave me alone, and I needed help with that, and healing from my abusive marriage.

Here I am 4 years ago and still not able to predict a PTSD trigger, but that’s why they are triggers. I needed know when or where they will come from. I will stay away from news and tv and radio and try to shelter myself from the unexpected triggers, but life is unpredictable and I cannot possibly know when or where a trigger will be hiding. For me this is because of the types of and the length of time exposed to a traumatic environment or experience. It took my 31 nearly 32 years of life to be free of my abuse and neglect. Sometimes I fear my love made a mistake by “rescuing” me, but then I remind myself that I didn’t need him to rescue me even though it was a hard situation. I just needed love to soar.

That love my sons started long before 8 years ago when I got to love them before they were mine, but once I became mom and they confided in me that I truly began to become free of my bad stuff.

Today I still wonder about every word I say to them, every interaction, every good and bad moment if I am messing them up. When I fail or fall short I feel as if they deserve so much better than me. I feel they don’t deserve a depressed and sad mom, but it’s because of them that I’m even able to feel anything.

I feel that my love deserves a partner isn’t depressed, that my sadness is bad for him and ruining his life, just as much as I feel it ruins mine. I feel like I’m hurting them. I feel like I’m the worse thing for them.

Even though I have these feelings I know reality. I know consciously the truths, because they tell me them, because they truly love me I truly believe them. I just struggle. I have no confidence in myself and I am affairs that I’m going to make them leave me, putting too much pressure on myself to be perfect and to never mess up, because my subconscious and conscious cannot seem to get on the same page.

My heroes I love you so much. I know it’s hard to believe some days, but I do. My sons you will never know how much you have saved my life. Your smiles, hugs, laughs, kisses, tears, every last bit of it has helped me become free. Your love has encouraged me to do things I would’ve never done before.

My love you are one of those things my little loves encouraged me to do. To finally contact you—them, to go on a date with anyone—them, and then you can along to help them love me the way no one else ever could. You don’t understand how amazing you really are, and I haven’t been well this last year and a half and I have forgotten to make you feel how amazing you are.

You have picked up the pieces that were already on the floor and put them together again. When they broke apart again, but this time in a pile way bigger than the first. This puzzle needed more work, more effort, more time, more energy, more of your strength. Even in your weakness your strength showing through. You are the glue that holds these pieces together once you put them back together. I will never be able to repay you for every little thing you’ve done.

The three of you save my life everyday. Even when it’s what feels like the end of the world to me, you three reassure me that we are a family made of love and that I am loved even when I feel like the worse thing for anyone. My loves you have my whole heart.

I’m sorry depression runs my life sometimes. I’m sorry my depression hurts you all too. I keep working everyday to be the best version of me. I’m sorry my trigger has lasted 2 years and I promise to keep working on being the real me again. Gentle, kind, compassionate, caring, loving me…I will be her again.

I will set myself free from, “what others may think”, and just be free. I promise I’m getting there. I love you 3 for giving me the courage to set myself free from the things that control me.

“No More”

Walking away from them. Not allowing them to live in my life anymore means she uses people I care about and love and want in my life to get to me.

Walking away from her means I have to leave everyone we have in common. I’m pretty certain the next thing is she’ll show up at my church. She invaded every aspect of my life when I say, “No more!”

Okay

They’re okay.

He’s okay.

I’m okay.

We’re okay.

Okay?!

Growing up part 2

“There you go Kell you can become a doctor and buy us that house”, or “Hey their probably a lawyer see…you can become a lawyer or a doctor and make a lot of money and take care of us”. Looking back I see that I was just a free ride…a meal ticket.

I grew up with this mindset that my only job in this world is to take care my parents…my mom couldn’t take care of me so of course it was my job to care for her. I was born to a mother and a father who were in no way ready, capable, or equipped to take care of themselves let alone two children…add in my step-father and we had 3 ill equipped and incapable of being parents that children needed.

My sperm donor of a biological father

7/23/2020

Who am I?

I am not certain and at 35 I am not certain how to figure that out. It’s hard to figure that out. It’s so easy for people to look at me and think I should have it all figured out because I’m an adult, but the thing is I was forced to be an adult before I ever should’ve had to have been one. I had no childhood. My soul purpose was to survive not thrive, I know now there is a huge difference between surviving and thriving.

So while my needing to explore who I am and what it is I want for me and my life may look like instability it’s not, it’s exactly what most now adults looked like as teenagers, only it was “acceptable” then, because that what you do as a teen figure out who you are and what you want in life. You do this so at 35 you’re taken seriously not looked at as a fool who is unpredictable and unstable in life.

Here I am though at 35 trying to figure it all out. I’m trying to figure out what I do to make my life whole and trying to figure out how not to sacrifice anything or anyone I love. I’m not taken too seriously though because I’m bouncing ideas around as I’m trying to figure it out. I’m trying to figure out exactly what I was told to do, “What happens when Kelly is no longer “mom” to someone? Who is she? What is she going to do with the rest of her life? Who is she?”, now that I’m trying to make a plan and try something different and figure out who I am, I’m looked at as I’m not serious, but I am.

I am 100% serious about wanting to leave Indiana and I’m 100% serious that I don’t know exactly where yet. I know that several places seem nice and they all have their pros and cons. The biggest con for any transition in my life is my loves. You know the thing that makes figuring me out is it’s not just me. I love my love and I love us and I don’t want a move to another state to be the end of us.

I know there isn’t anything really here for me and I’d like to explore some options in other places. I want to figure out who it I want to be for the rest of my life. I cannot just sit around doing nothing while everyone lives their lives and gets to be whoever it is they choose to be. I was conditioned to only care for people, especially my mom and step-father. Now that I’ve cut them out of my life completely, I know that I have every opportunity to be the best me possible simply because of the way I’ve been loved over the last almost 4 years.

I promise I’m not unstable or irrational, I’m perfectly rational, I’m trying to find me, something I should have been allowed to do 20 years ago. I’m sure I’ll figure it out. I know I will if I can get over the guilt and feelings of selfishness for trying to figure me out.

Sometimes…

it takes me a long time to write and complete a blog post. Like days, weeks, months…just depends on the initial trigger.