Alone

I got through all this crazy stuff alone. I mean the 3 people in my house are here, but they’re going through it with me, so they’re worried too.

I just feel so alone.

These Bad Boys…

My sons are the sweetest! I’m pretty certain as sweet as they were was because of me, however I think they’re as sweet as they are to me now because of the way they’ve seen their dad treat me over the last four years.

I’ve been spoiled and treated like a princess. I’ve “wined and dined” although I don’t drink wine and dining is sometimes a meltdown waiting to happen. The menu causes me anxiety so I’ve learned to read the menu and pick what I want before I go. Because their dad said, “you know I think the menu causes you a lot of unnecessary stress and I want to treat you to a nice meal that doesn’t cause you to panic.” And even when I do meltdown and cry at the table he is reassuring and understanding. He’s even realized that the darker the atmosphere the more likely I am to eat a full meal…dark environment meant for the first time ever I ate a 14oz steak and a baked potato…a full meal.

My sons they hear him comfort me and reassure me when I tell him to, “never take me out again because all I do is ruin everything”, damn Autism! They reassure and love to spoil me too now that they like dad work.

I have to admit it’s a little awkward and uncomfortable sometimes and I always feel like I need to do pay them back or do something special for them in return. They make sure to know that I am offending them by that mindset of mine.

These fine young men make me feel like I’m the most special person in there life, even when somedays I can’t feel it. I once told their dad that, “I’d be honored if my sons turned out to be half as good as he did”, and you know I taught the fundamentals. I taught them the basics. I was mom/dad when their adoptive father was too ill to be dad. But my Love came along and showed them how to treat a woman. Really treat her.

Even through the ugly and bad he is showing them how to get through it. He showing them that mom is struggling and she loves you and this is how we help the woman we love get through these things. He is showing them that loving a woman and a family isn’t easy, and most of all he is showing them how to love through it all.

So let’s talk about the title of this blog; “These Bad Boys”. Well I bet you thought this would be a complaint post, but actually as you see its not. What I’m actually referring to is this photo:

These air pods fell out of their case that was clipped to my key chain in my “Gameboy” case( I finally got my Gameboy, 😂 read the green leash blog) and clipped to my Love’s belt loop. We lost them on Labor Day at the Kankakee State Park. We had walked the trail and it was a beautiful day.

Well Wednesday night I wanted to use my AirPod Pros, opened my case, and they were gone. I immediately said, “I think someone ganked my AirPods out of the case. My son bought them for me and I was sad that we lost them and I was certain they’d be gone.

Well Thursday I actually won one. Finally! We took bikes and rode the trail and found them off the beaten path. I fell before we found them off the bike. I had some kind of heart episode that I chalked up to P.o.T.S., but now we’re not so certain.

The first incident was scary enough resulting in some scrapes and bruises, but I didn’t careen off the cliff into the Kankakee River and die. I chose to go limp and drop onto a very cushy, yes very cushy tree root system. It had clearly had the earth cover removed from it because of the rushing waters of the river when it’s flooded over; the roots were rotted and soft, and I knew my chances of getting hurt were small, so I told myself “go limp” and I did. With minimal injury just superficial scratches and some bruising.

On the way back from finding the AirPod Pros, I felt like I literally had a heart attack. The sad part is that I couldn’t go to the hospital because had it not been a heart attack and just my P.o.T.S. I would have been forced to pay the bill because my Indiana Medicaid is only allowed to be used out of state in a “true emergency”. You see if I had Medicare I could have called an ambulance if I wanted or had my permitted son to rush me to the hospital just down the road. But nope I have insurance that is only allowed to be used in Indiana.

I called my doctor the next day, by that point since I wasn’t having any real symptoms at that point, besides some discomfort we believed was from my heart being 200bpm or more. By the time I came through and looked at my Apple Watch ⌚️ my heart was at 184bpm and my chest hurt so badly.

This pain in my chest was like no other before. My whole left breast all the way up under my armpit, around to my back and it stayed pretty much on the left side, and up into my shoulder and neck. I did not have left arm pain in any way. I couldn’t catch my breath and I was profusely sweating.

I threw the bike and myself down and said, “No, no, no I have to sit my chest hurts”. I begin stripping my clothes off right there on the trail where I was sitting. My 17 year old right there and I absolutely could not say “I think I’m having a heart attack”. I lost all track of time I don’t know if it was 5-10 minutes, or 10-15, or 2 minutes, but my son said that I didn’t look good at all. He was quite worried. In the car I told him what I had thought had happen. He was as cool as a cucumber 🥒 and kept asking if I was ok.

He began suggesting getting something cold to drink and he was glad that I had not panicked at all because it “would make it worse if I was or did have a heart attack”. Me I didn’t panic once. Even telling myself, “if I panic or get upset in anyway they won’t believe me and they’ll chalk it up to anxiety and a panic attack.” For so long we have trying to figure out this flutter and cough and swelling, and so much, well maybe I should have told my doctor what I thought it was a long time ago, not fear it, but speak up.

I see him Thursday and I’m pretty certain I have CHF and have been in CHF for a while. You know I want to be a doctor and I am a horrible patient. Probably because I know my body, I’m kind of a Medical Savant. Like I’ve always known medicine and understood things about the human body without any formal training. When I was around 10 I visited the nursing department at Purdue University Calumet and I got at 98% on the nursing school entrance exam. The head of the department said they should advance me to college, I think she was joking, but I think she was serious too.

The worse patient because I’m usually right. I don’t want to confirm CHF, even though I know it is manageable and that I can live a happy healthy life where I manage it and help my heart do it’s job more efficiently and effortlessly. I’m pretty certain the stressful life I lived has caused a lot of this damage. I know it’s also partly genetics 🧬. I’m just glad I have a team of medical professionals I trust.

I’ll see what is going on Thursday. For now I’m just taking it easy. Just relaxing. Trying to keep my heart from spiking in rate because if it spikes I cough and can’t breathe or catch my breath. So just going to chill for a little. If you’re the praying type, will you pray for me. It’s scary at 35.

All in all we found the AirPods and I feel like I won one. I had a great dream last night. I know I must pursue medical school and that God will help my doctors get me through. God called me a “Medical Savant” in my dreams last night over and over again I heard it. I have never referred to myself like that. Makes sense though. I will be Dr. Ge someday. So please pray for me.

Eff…

Fuck it all!

That’s how I’m feeling today.

Fuck it all!

I have no filter.

Who the fuck cares?

I have no filter.

Fuck rape!

Fuck unwanted touch!

Fuck white men of power!

Fuck it all!

I’m so fucking over this country!

Fuck it all!

Legalize sex with children so it can’t be a crime.

What the fuck?

Seriously are you fucking kidding me?

Why are we even entertaining this?

Fuck it all!

A president…

Fuck him!

Fuck it all!

The Swear Word

That word.

That one five letter word.

A word meant to identify,

Now a swear word.

An unfortunate series of events to make it that way.

That five letter word is a beautiful word.

A five letter word passed down.

That five letter not a swear wird to you.

They made it that way to me though.

That five letter word.

Kelly

Day One

I have to start somewhere. Why not day 1?

First time I am taking medication for anxiety. First time it’s during the day. I hope this isn’t a placebo effect. I haven’t woke up feeling this well in a long time.

I diffused two situations with my boys this morning all before 9 am. And guess what I didn’t raise my voice. I used a technique that I was taught in therapy to use little words. I actually did it.

I kept it together twice. The second time more tense than the first, but I did it. I shut down the behavior, diffused the situation, and kept my cool.

I really hope this isn’ a temporary thing. I haven’t felt this relaxed in a very long time.

Not Only

Last night I actually slept.

Not only did I sleep I dreamt.

No only did I dream I remembered my dream.

Not only did I remember my dream, I awoke with a smile.

Whoever said, “sleep is overrated”, has never walked a day in my shoes.

Sleep is not “overrated” it’s a beautiful wonderful thing, when it doesn’t torture you.

Doctor, doctor…

At the doctor today. It seems like just a couple months ago I was here for my depression. I’m here again. More so because my panic attacks are causing me depression.

When I panic I fear that all will walk away. I fear that this episode that will push them all away from me.

Fear drives panic and panic drives fear. It’s a never ending vicious cycle. So today I sit here courageously doing again what I thought I would never do, get medication.

I used to fear some of these drugs. I still do, but as a believer in medicine I believe that when all other therapies don’t work, pharmaceuticals are probably the next tool I need in my tool box. It’s foolish to not utilize the tools available to us when we need them.

So today’s agenda something to handle the panic attacks that is quick and effective. Hopefully sleep is the result from that.

Sleep

I think if I could actually just sleep I’d be a lot better. You know if I could just close my eyes and not be tormented for once in my life?

I can’t tell you what it is that has me awaken feeling like I need to run. I need to go far away. I’m not sure why I awaken with this feeling of panic, fear, and anxiety.

I said it this morning. It just rolled off my tongue with tears in my eyes (of course), “My subconscious knows that my conscious self is so my subconscious is attacking me the only way it can.”

It’s so true I see it now, clearly why it came pouring out of my mouth like it did, no thought behind it, just came out. And in that moment not only did I feel like, “Hey I really am in control here”, and like I could and should celebrate the fact that I have come so far that I cannot be attacked while awake anymore.

Sure there is the occasional PTSD trigger for me, but for the most part I am in control of my conscious self now. That was the goal of therapy. When I am upset and nervous about being upset I try so hard to consciously fight everything going on inside my head and body.

The shaking, the tightening chest muscles, the overwhelming amount of sweat pouring from my body, feeling like my face is on fire…I fight through it, consciously inside saying, “hey you’re okay, you can be upset, it’s okay”, but everything in my head is spinning out of control and I can’t fight my subconscious, but in a panic attack with Autism and ADHD my head is spinning so fast that I try to navigate it all.

I haven’t had a lot exposure to people or stressful situations that weren’t hurtful and hurting me. So I’ve only learned how navigate this all at a young age and as an adult it’s hard. I try. I fail.

If I could sleep maybe I’d have some more strength. If I could sleep maybe I’d me be again. A peaceful restful sleep is all I need.